wrestling / Columns
The Wrestling News Experience: 03.26.12
Monday, March 26th, 2012
From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
Crazy. Also Inaccessible And Probably Too Dark
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and my wife is out of town for the evening, so you know what that means. That’s right, I’m eating potato chips in bed tonight!
Just kidding, hun.
Anyway, nobody here has said that I can or cannot continue my podcast, but enough people paid attention to week one’s attempt, so we’re going to press on until someone shuts me down or everyone stops caring. It’s like all those shows that ripped off Jackass except nobody gets seriously injured. So far. Anyway, the totally unauthorized by anyone but me TWNE After Dark podcast, episode two, is already up on Spreaker.com for your listening pleasure, or you can just click the picture.
This week’s topics include Lord Tensai, FCW, and I list the top three Mania matches I’m looking forward to in order, plus the usual tangents that come with not having a real script. Also, I swear more than the first one. Anyway, Thursday night seems to be the best night for me to churn these out, so if you don’t want to wait until I promote this on Monday, there will be a new episode this Thursday night, and I will be totally live starting roughly around 10pm EDT. As long as everything works right and I don’t hit the wrong button again.
Moving on.
Last week, everyone talked about their matchups for WrestleMania. The Rock talked about Philadelphia. Triple H, Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels talked about Hell in a Cell and what it’s going to take to end the Streak. CM Punk talked about his family. Chris Jericho talked about CM Punk’s family. Daniel Bryan talked about himself, mostly. In fact, it’s hard to believe that wrestling took place on Raw last week at all!
But anyway, this week, it’s the very last Raw before WrestleMania XXVIII, so you can be sure that everyone involved will be on top of their game in an attempt to gain that last bit of momentum heading into the show.
Also, with Team Johnny and Team Teddy having announced four participants each, the last man for each team is set to be named tonight! Who’s even left to take part, you might ask? Well, I’ve got heavy betting on Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio, but that might just be wishful thinking.
Plus, this is pretty much the last chance for anyone who isn’t involved in WrestleMania to make their case for squeezing onto the card at the last minute. Miz, I’m looking at you.
All this and lots more, I’m sure, because the hype machine will be in full gear tonight for the hard sell on the last Raw before WrestleMania!
Evan Bourne Not Yet Fired
I can’t tell if this counts as lucky or unlucky, but Evan Bourne, who had just finished his second Wellness suspension in the last four months, announced last week that he had, and I want to make sure I get this right, dislocated his foot in five places and broken it in four as the result of an accident last Monday. I didn’t know you could do that to a part of your body. There are pictures, which I’m not looking at or linking to, because who wants to see that?
I suppose the good news is, we can keep speculating what will happen to him when he finally returns to the ring? Will it be the firing line? A feud with Jack Swagger? By the time he fully heals, will WWE Network actually exist and he’ll become a major part of the rumored cruiserweight show that will never actually happen? Evan Bourne’s potential future is as vast and varied as your own imagination!
Did You Know: Kevin Nash Is On Plavix
Kevin Nash has come out and talked about why his feuds with CM Punk and Triple H played out so oddly, what with Punk never actually getting a match with the man who cost him the WWE Title and then forgetting about him while Nash and Triple H ended up recreating the same feud they had the last time Nash was in WWE for some reason. Turns out, due to medication that Nash was taken due to a genetic disposition towards heart issues (I can’t remember the name offhand, so I’ll just glance back at the interview where he mentions it roughly five hundred times. Plavix, it’s called Plavix. I wonder how much it cost them to get Kevin Nash to shill for them), Nash was rendered unable to pass a physical and thus, unable to compete in the ring. In order to pass the physical, he stopped taking Plavix, but by the time it was out of his system, the feud with Punk had been quashed and he ended up having a match with Triple H instead, I guess just so the whole thing wouldn’t be a complete waste of time. Apparently, Nash wanted to make it clear that the fault was entirely on the side of Plavix, and not WWE Creative.
Of course, that doesn’t explain why WWE Creative decided the best choice for a big feud with their newest and hottest face was a sixty-year old with bad knees and a known history of heart problems (both real and imagined) who hadn’t worked for the company in nearly a decade and had been considered broken-down at that point, and then when the inevitable happened rather than can the whole thing they decided to transition the whole thing onto Triple H without said new and hot star actually getting anything out of the deal other than losing the WWE title for no reason, but I’m sure it totally wasn’t their fault.
A Draft More Pointless Than Major League Baseball’s
Word has come down the pipeline that Vince McMahon is totally focused, laser-like in his intensity, upon the next big event for WWE…the Draft. Seriously? The WWE Draft? The thing that was barely relevant at the best of times, but now, with Raw Supershow and also Raw talent showing up on Smackdown when necessary, plus the fact that both shows will (allegedly) be united under a single GM after this very Sunday, is a complete farce that will eat up three boring hours of TV and actually change nothing of importance? That Draft?
Well, not so fast, says Vince. Apparently, he has a master plan. Despite all of television completely ignoring the brand extension, the house shows still, for the most part, keep the lines intact. And because WWE has always favoured Raw to the point of insanity, it seems like Raw house shows are doing fine, but Smackdown shows are a little weak, given that Raw can headline with John Cena, and Smackdown…cannot. But if the brand extension is meaningless on TV, that means that Vince doesn’t have to be ridiculously paranoid about drafting, say, John Cena to Smackdown (this time for real!), since he can be on Raw every week anyway, and in the meantime, he can headline Smackdown house shows and get them drawing a bit better. It’s a plan that’s so insane, it can’t help but be effective!
Seriously, if they want to announce the WrestleMania 29 main event next Monday so badly, here’s an idea. Drop all pretense of the brand extension, but keep both World titles and announce that next year, the WWE Champion will face the World Champion to unify the belts forever (or six months, whichever), and then promote that for the next year. I don’t know what you do with the Rumble, but hey, maybe they’ll be forced to get creative with that too.
– TNA Head of Creative Bruce Prichard reportedly spent a few days in the hospital last week after suffering two small heart attacks. I hear he named one “Bischoff” and the other one “Hogan”.
– You know why I’m really glad Mania is next week? Because then every other news item will stop being “John Cena/The Rock responds to The Rock/John Cena on Twitter”. Seriously, guys, you’re starting to look like teenage girls having an argument online.
– The early buyrate estimate for Elimination Chamber (which, as I understand it, is done without actually counting any buys) is bad. Anyone shocked? Anyone?
– Apparently Vince McMahon likes to pretend that The Undertaker was never “The American Badass” character because it ruins the mystique of The Undertaker. Funny how that never bothered him when they let him do it in the first place and then run with it for nearly four years.
– Some people are upset that John Cena came out during the show and mocked Lillian Garcia for mistakenly calling Zack Ryder “Jack Swagger” during his intro last week at the Smackdown taping. To be fair to Lillian, it’s not like calling people by their correct names is 99.5% of her job or anything. Hell, the guy from Psych did it without flubbing, and he (probably) didn’t get paid for it!
– Kurt Angle said crazy things on Twitter. I’m less shocked about this than anything I’ve already said. Even things which I claimed not to be shocked about at all were more shocking than this statement.
Look at him. He thinks just because the other two guys in the storyline can’t make two facial expressions between them, he can get away with making clever faces behind their backs to get the crowd on his side, even though he’s not even actually wrestling. He’s right, but it’s not nice to point it out like he did on Raw. |
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Any time you can get the censors to lean on the button for that long, especially in PG WWE, when the two words he had to have said were definitely on the high side of “yeah, that probably shouldn’t be said on TV”, and you’ve got some excellent intensity from the man who can really give a good intense promo when he wants to. Plus, you know he probably wouldn’t say that without permission, so good on WWE for relaxing the reins there. |
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And on the other side of that promo is the man who, if being gleefully evil was a job description, he would be overqualified. It’s not just that he can make you angry at him when he’s ostensibly apologizing sincerely (you can tell he out of character when the accent returns, right?), but it’s the moment after that, where he pauses and goes, “Oh yeah, by the way…PSYCH! I’m still a total dick and your sister performs sex acts for cocaine and stuff!” |
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Look at them. Even if one of them is the US Champion, it’s pretty clear that you couldn’t have created a more loveable group of charismatic underdogs. And so ethnically diverse! (“Leprechaun” is still a race, right?) I’ve seen enough Disney movies to know how this one’s going to end, haven’t you? |
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Brodus looked less angry on Smackdown and they actually let him go longer than a minute, so I guess they must think he’s no longer an embarrassment in the ring or something. Next week, we shoot for three minutes! Maybe a heat segment on his opponent, maybe! |
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At this point, I have no idea…is she really that oblivious and in love, or is she playing the longer game here? Is she a good girl, or is she just playing us all for chumps? Remember what that heel turn did for Trish? Yowza. |
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It seems like everyone has finally realized that thing’s been hanging in the rafters since WrestleMania. I swear I saw more people point to that sign last week than I have during the last two months. You know that means we’re serious now, we’re pointing at the sign. It’s the universal signal for “Oh, it’s on now!” |
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I’d imagine (and hope) that those will be the last words he speaks until after WrestleMania, and they were good ones to go out on. It’s hilarious because a) it’s true, Shawn is better than Triple H, and b) even though they’re best friends, it has to eat Triple H up inside every single time he hears it. Probably in real life, too. |
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I’ll give him credit, at least he tried to explain why the whole thing never made any sense. Plus, he put in a good word for Plavix, for those of you suffering with genetic propensities for heart disorders. Awareness is the first step, you know. |
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Don’t anyone tell him that his match is considered fourth-most important on the Mania card at best. He’s going into Mania at full throttle and it’s got to be hard to bet against him at this point. |
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Inactive List as of 03.19.12
WWE Raw
– Evan Bourne, out 60 days as of January 17th (Wellness)
– Kharma, out indefinitely as of January 2012 (personal)
– Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of August 23rd (knee surgeries)
WWE SmackDown
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)
– Wade Barrett, out 3-4 months as of Februrary 20th (dislocated elbow)
TNA
– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely (ear)
– Jesse Sorenson, out at least one year as of February 12th (spine)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)
Transactions
– Evan Bourne, RAW, out indefinitely as of March 19th (foot)
WWE
WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 127 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Chris Jericho, WrestleMania XXVIII
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
– 99 day reign, defeated The Big Show by cashing in Money in the Bank on December 18th (TLC PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Sheamus, WrestleMania XXVIII
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 227 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)
– Next title defense: vs The Big Show, WrestleMania XXVIII
WWE United States Champion: Santino Marella
– 21 day reign, defeated Jack Swagger on March 5th (Raw)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Epico and Primo
– 71 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne on January 15th (house show)
WWE Divas’ Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 169 day reign, defeated Kelly Kelly on October 2nd (Hell in a Cell PPV)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 144 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)
– Next title defense: vs James Storm, Lockdown PPV
TNA Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe and Magnus
– 43 day reign, defeated Crimson and Matt Morgan on February 12th (Against All Odds PPV)
TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 191 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)
TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 134 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: ODB and Eric Young
– 18 day reign, defeated Gail Kim and Madison Rayne on March 8th (Impact)
TNA Television Champion: Devon
– 8 day reign, defeated Robbie E on March 18th (Victory Road PPV)
Napier has Handicapping The News.
De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.
Rutherford has The Wrestling Sandwich.
And the Countdown to WrestleMania covers X-8, XIX, and XX.
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Here it is, your Moment of Buddy
If Buddy Wasn’t Neutered
This Picture Would Be Highly Offensive
Instead Of Cute
Have a good one, and always be a fan.
