Friendly Competition 1.06.07

It’s the all Florida edition of Friendly Competition this week, as this week’s episodes of both ECW On Sci-Fi and TNA Impact came from Florida, my favorite fucking state. ECW On Sci-Fi was entertaining for all the wrong reasons, like much of what you find in Florida. Impact, on the other hand, was actually entertaining and set up some real cool stuff for Final Resolution.

ECW On Sci-Fi Results 1/2/2006
Live from Lakeland, Florida

-Test brings us up to speed on the events of the past few weeks and tells us that he’s a winner, but the fans voted for RVD to get the title shot anyway. He’s won a lot of matches, so as the Impact Player of ECW, he considers himself the #1 contender.

-Test defeated Sabu. Hey, anyone remember when Sabu wasn’t a jobber?

-Sandman promo, he likes to drink beer and cane people.

-Elijah is out with Terkay and poses the question is not whether they’ll win the match tonight, but whether they’ll win by knockout or tapout. Turns out it’s by tapout, as they beat the FBJ (Full Blooded Jobbers) when Terkay makes Mamaluke tap to the top hammerlock.

-Matt Stryker is here to give us expert analysis on next week’s CM Punk vs Hardcore Holly match. Holly interrupts and tells Punk that he can’t beat him or make him tap.

-We see a recap of the Great Khali’s repeated attacks on Tommy Dreamer, and then Joey asks Tommy if he has a deathwish by continuing to go after Khali. Tommy says that’s just who he is, and he wants Khali to know that he’s not going to stop coming for him. I for one think that Tommy has a great chance of winning this feud.

-RVD thanks Bobby Lashley for getting rid of Heyman and Big Show, and tonight he’s going to beat him for the ECW Title.

-Brad Armstrong joins us on commentary again this week, and has his usual entertaining sniping match with Tazz while Kevin Thorn scores a really boring win over Balls Mahoney that appeared to have a botched finish where Balls looked to have taken a hard knock.

-Bobby Lathley cometh out to tell uth that he ith pwepawed to defend againtht opponenth of any thtyle becauthe he’th been wrethtling all hith life and ith twained in evewy fowm of combat. Oh yeth, and he wethpecth Wob Van Dam.

-We take a look back at the Tribute To The Troops show, and after such a display of American patriotism, we come back and have an interview with that fucking Communist Vladimir Kozlov. He like ECW, loves Dub Dub E, and can beat both Lashley and RVD. At the same time. With just his penis.

-“Greenhorn” Bobby Lashley and RVD have a crappy match where they miss tons of spots, Greenhorn again gets totally exposed as being totally not ready for the spot he’s in, and then they have a really crappy ending where Van Dam gives him a flying clothesline outside the ring, and the ref stopped the match. The announcers prove themselves as the smartest people on the brand by just keeping their mouths shut and not saying a word instead of trying to explain this crap.

TNA Impact Results 1/4/2006
Taped on 12/18/2006 in Orlando, Florida

-The show opens with Joe storming Jim Cornette’s office like Angle did last week, and says he wants Angle tonight. Cornette tells Joe that Angle has a match already tonight and doesn’t want Joe getting involved. He asks Joe to leave the building, and Joe says he promises not to hurt anyone but Angle.

-Robert Roode sends Miss Brooks to the back while he wrestles Rhino, but she comes back out anyway and her presence is enough of a distraction for Rhino to roll him up for the win. After the match, AJ Styles rushes the ring and he and Roode double team Rhino.

-Eric Young thinks Jeremy Borash is some kind of stud, so he asks him for sex advice. Miss Brooks threatens to fire Eric, so Eric asks JB for money.

-After commercial, a now broke JB interviews Joe, who says that Angle couldn’t accept that he had lost and had to attack an innocent skank to get his attention. Joe says he’ll leave like Cornette asked him to…after he’s done his job.

-The Voodoo Kin Mafia comes out and says that after four weeks, still no answer from the McMahon camp on the Million Dollar Challenge. Isn’t that the name of the gimmick Ted Dibiase had back in the 80s when he would tell a kid to dribble a basketball 20 times, then kick it away at 19? Anyway, since Shawn Michaels is lazy and sits around at home a lot, they challenge him to show up at the Alamo and fight them for a million bucks. They promise to have footage next week. Oh boy, five minutes of them sitting around making fun of Big Dick Johnson while Shawn doesn’t show up. At least this time he’s not supposed to.

-Austin Starr wins this week’s PCS event: Musical Chairs. This stuff is genius.

-Borash interviews Gail Kim, who has no explanation for why James Storm turned on Chris Harris. Harris comes out with a chair and makes some racist jokes, then says she has seven days to choose between them.

-Homicide beats Brother Runt in a Lucha Cabellero Video match when Hernandez gives Runt a Border Toss into a ladder. After the match, Konnan tells LAX to fuck Runt up, but Team 3D makes the save.

-Jim Mitchell and Abyss are at the prison where Abyss did time for credit card fraud. Mitchell smacks him, calls him an idiot, then makes Abyss give him a handjob. While he’s getting cranked off, Mitchell says that Christian and Tomko only know part of the story and if Abyss doesn’t give him a good handjob, he’ll reveal the whole story.

-Jim Cornette bars Tomko from ringside for his match with Kurt Angle, but before we get our main event bait-and-switch, Joe comes out and attacks Angle The Skank Killer and they brawl all over the Impact Zone. Cornette gets so pissed off that he announces that they will face one another in a 30 minute Ironman Match at Final Solution. Oh, and Cage runs in the ring and the bell rings, but Cage and Tomko double team Angle until Sting makes the save and they chase Christian and Tomko off.

Overall Top Ten Ranking

As voted by me. This ranking includes wrestlers from both groups and is entirely subjective.

ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley (Champion Since 12/3/2006)
NWA World Champion: Abyss (Champion Since 11/19/2006)

1)Samoa Joe
2)Kurt Angle
3)Test
4)Sting
5)Christian Cage
6)Rhino
7)CM Punk
8)Sylvester Terkey
9)Rob Van Dam
10)Kevin Thorn

Dickhead Of The Week: Bobby Lashley

It was bad enough when they had Lashley cutting promos with that horrible lisp and lack of ability to say anything interesting. Hell, they expose the shit out of him every time he steps in the ring with anyone who hasn’t been wrestling for at least 20 years. But now on top of all that, you make the guy look like a total pussy who needs the match stopped and medical attention because he can’t take a clothesline? Honorable mention definitely goes to Rob Van Dam for DELIVERING the move and being “injured” as well, but Lashley is supposed to be the champion, you know? The guy is so green I had to nicknake him “Greenhorn”, but on top of everything else you make him look like a complete and total pussy who can’t take one of the most basic moves in wrestling? I mean, Van Dam could have at least given him a piledriver or tornado DDT on the table or something, but a clothesline? This is that Ninja Gaiden kind of Nintendo logic where a bird slamming into you hurts worse than taking a bazooka blast to the face. Are we really dealing with bookers now who book wrestling like it’s a fucking Nintendo game?

ECW News

Nothing doing again this week, but the ECW talent ought to be glad about that given the rumors that have been swirling lately about upcoming talent cuts.

TNA News

TNA is confident that SpikeTV will expand their show to two hours, and SpikeTV is very happy with TNA and wants to expand the show and air more TNA specials, but at this point it’s just a matter of working out the finances and logistics.

This would obviously be a move in the right direction. Obviously, it would give them more TV time, but I think it would benefit TNA by allowing them to have longer matches. Vince Russo is a master at getting everyone on the show as much as he can. The problem is that it usually means 2-6 minute matches, including the main event. With TNA’s roster being the size it is, he’d most likely still be able to get everyone in and also allow them more match time with the second hour. It’d be cool if they could get this rolling by June.

That was Samoa Joe’s real life girlfriend used in the attack by Kurt Angle on Impact last week.

Yeah, the one I called a skank. Whoops! Hope Joe doesn’t recognize me next time I’m at an ROH show!

Konnan updated us on his medical condition, he had gone to get hip replacement surgery in Mexico and discovered that his kidney was badly damaged and he would need a kidney transplant.

He also left contact information for anyone who was willing to help or donate a kidney. I’ve never seen anyone on dialysis, but from what I hear it really sucks. I feel bad that he wound up in that kind of condition because he’s not really all that old.

Final Resolution Control Center

Some new stuff added to the mix this week:

NWA World Title Elimination Match: NWA World Champion Abyss vs Sting vs Christian Cage

Now that this has become an elimination match, it changes things just a little bit. Are they going to pull the trigger on Christian’s first loss in a three-way match? This might seem to make him the odds on favorite to walk out with the title, and maybe now that he’d have what he wants, he might drop Abyss’s little secret (or the part he knows) anyway. Still, I can’t help but figure that Abyss is meant to run with the title a little longer.

30 Minute Ironman Match: Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle

This new Ironman stipulation would seem to address the criticism that the first two matches were too short. But with the added dimension of them definitely hitting the time limit, is it possible that we’ll see them go to a draw? I haven’t heard about any kind of overtime stipulation as of yet, but then we rarely do until it comes up. That would be a unique way of blowing off the feud for now, and then giving it a reason to pick back up later when one of them has the NWA Title.

X-Division Title Match: X-Division Champion Christopher Daniels vs Jerry Lynn vs Chris Sabin

This would have Match Of The Night written all over it if it weren’t for Joe vs Angle. I’ve always been a big fan of both Daniels and Lynn, and Sabin has really been impressing me the last couple of months after the heel turn. I expect miscommunication to lead to Sabin getting the win, and then Lynn and Daniels transition into a singles feud while Sabin does something else with the X-Division Title.

NWA World Tag Team Title Match: World Tag Team Champions LAX vs Team 3D

This will be the true test as to how well LAX can carry a match when thrown in with a couple of slugs. The Dudleys are generic at best workers, I’ve never liked them, even when they were the cool team to like. I’ve always thought they were mediocre at best and just appealed to the knuckledraggers who watch wrestling just for table spots. I also don’t think they have a very good chance of winning the title here.

Last Man Standing: Rhino vs AJ Styles

AJ’s totally winning and we all know that…BUT WILL HE HAVE ROBERT ROODE IN HIS CORNER???

Vital Social Issues N’ Stuff With Stuart

I started reading Eric Bischoff’s book Controversy Creates Cash this week, and I’m about a third of the way through. I must say, it makes for some interesting reading. For as much heat as Bischoff gets from nearly everybody, his presentation of events is interesting and, I must say, I feel like I believe a lot of what he has to say. Politically speaking, he’s not at a point in his wrestling career where he has to dance around a whole lot of people other than the McMahon family. I think one of the reasons Bischoff gets so much heat is because when he was running WCW, he did things the corporate way instead of the old-school wrestling way. When he took over WCW, he was put in a position where he had to cut the financial losses (which, according to his numbers, he did a real good job of doing) and also to get WCW over as a true national company. To do that, he had to take WCW, get rid of the Southern stigma, and rebrand it into something that would appeal to a broader audience. His logic that there wasn’t enough paying fans of the old style to support doing things the old way made a lot of sense to me, as did the thinking that bringing in Hulk Hogan, even if it didn’t directly lead to increased ratings and buyrates, would establish WCW as the real deal instead of “that promotion in the Carolinas.” In fact, I look at Kurt Angle coming to TNA as being a very similar situation to Hogan coming to WCW in that, by taking a key player from the WWF/WWE, they show that they’re a viable alternative that the top names would be willing to work for as an alternative to working for Vince.

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Can somebody please explain to me the train of thought that led to Hernandez’s finisher being called the Border Toss? Like okay, I understand that he’s Mexican, and there’s a border between Mexico and the US that Mexicans use to illegally enter the US so they can be held down by the white man, but I never head of Mexicans actually TOSSING one another across the border. I would think that this would call a little more attention to them than they’d probably want. And while we’re on the subject…the Gringo Killer? Come on, that’d be like a white guy having a finishing move called the Nigger Killer. A southern redneck telling an Asian woman to go back to working at the Chinese restaurant? A PPV called Final Solution? I’m really starting to wonder about this company.

The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles

In my personal homage to Kenny from South Park, in this section I will execute my least favorite currently active wrestler, AJ Styles, on a weekly basis. As my way of giving back to the man, Mr Styles can be assured that, if he does nothing else in a given week, he has guaranteed column space here.

Late in December, I got a great suggestion for this from FC reader Robby Boydston:

Hey, I really enjoy the new column you’re putting up, espescially the (ever-growing in popularity?) portion that you dedicate to killing one AJ Styles. I had an idea on how to execute him in an entertaining fashion and please improve it if you think it needs more.

Execute AJ using to old execution method of eight sharpshooters in towers aiming at him with snipers while he is against a brick wall with nowhere to go. I think it’s only done in Utah now or maybe it’s been outlawed. I was thinking that you have different weapons for each shooter to fire at AJ like: a flamethrower, a crossbow, a shotgun, a rocket launcher, etc. Maybe you could hang him from the wall while doing it?

Okay, I like the idea, but to be fair to AJ, let’s just go with the four you suggested: flamethrower, crossbow, shotgun, and rocket launcher. But to make things a little bit more interesting, instead of tying him to a brick wall, let’s have a little homage to our recently executed friend Saddam Hussein and hang him in the middle of the yard, and then swing him back and forth and let the sharpshooters try their aim.

So here we go, we’ve got AJ tied up in the middle of the yard and…hey, who’s that guy chanting over there? Hey, Daivari, get outta here! And take your camera phone with you! Fucking Ay-rabs. Okay, so we’ve got AJ strung up, aaaaaaaaand…..whoa, that trapdoor dropped FAST! So did AJ, come to think of it. Ewwwwwww, that’s a really disgusting look on his face! I guess Saddam wasn’t faking it. Okay, let’s start him swinging. We’ll just have to send somebody out there to give him a nudge and start him off. Let’s seeeeeee, who gets to be the lucky winner? Hey, Shannon Moore, why don’t you take a little jog out there and give AJ a nudge? Come on, you know you want to after that whole trophy thing last year. Go on, just go, I promise you’ll be fine. There you go, just-HEY! Okay, who shot Shannon Moore? Nobody? Figures. Well, he wasn’t that important anyway.

So AJ’s swinging back and forth, now the guys need to start taking turns shooting at him. Okay Crossbow, you go first. You missed! What kind of lousy sharpshooter are you? All right, fine. Shotgun, your turn. WHAT?!?! You missed TOO??? You guys are-wait a minute…Team 3D? What are you guys doing here? Jesus Christ, not only can you not wrestle, but you can’t aim either! You two are really fucking useless, you know? WWE’s better off without you. Speaking of which, get the fuck outta here! go on, hit the bricks! Okay, let’s try to salvage this one. Flamethrower, your turn. This is gonna be cool. Whoa, look at AJ go up! That’s much better. Even a Dudley can’t miss with a flamethrower. Wait a minute, the fire’s burning the rope! NO FAIR! Oh, he fell. Now he’s just laying on the ground burning and with a broken neck. I really hate this guy. Okay, rocket launcher, just blast him and get it over with. Yeah, like that. Better give him a second rocket just in case. There we go.

Well, it had the right ending, but this one didn’t go as well as usual. Well, maybe next week. So thanks to Robby for at least trying, it is much appreciated. If you have any ideas of your own that you’d like to contribute to our little weekly execution, please send them along to [email protected].

If you have any suggestions for fun ways to execute AJ Styles, please send them along to [email protected].

Links To Stuff You Can Read

The plug of the week has to go to my good friend Ari Berenstein for his massive, four part Final Column 2006 edition of Column Of Honor. Yes, I make a guest appearance, but I’m really pimping it because a)I’m an ROH mark, and b)it’s a really good read. So here’s Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. Also making an appearance is Ari’s friend Chris, who I’ve also met at several live ROH shows and is a really cool guy as well. A lot of work and a great job by Ari.

Also a major deal across the board this week on 411 is the 411 Wrestling Year End Awards. Basically everybody here got involved, and is definitely worth a read. It beats going out and paying seven bucks or whatever it is for PWI’s year end issue. Here’s Part 1 and Part 2. Big fucking props go out to JT for putting this whole thing together and doing an awesome job to boot.

Daniel Wilcox takes us back to Hard Justice in Schmozzes And Screwjobs and talks about the time Christian Cage screwed Sting out of the NWA Title…and it went nowhere.

Julian Williams comes to us with his list of favorite gimmicks in The Top Ten.

Michael Bauer, the New Dude on Hey Dude, comes to us with this week’s Ecw On Sci-Fi Report and JD Dunn has The ECW eXperience.

Steve Cook brings us yet another edition of Ask 411 Wrestling.

As if he didn’t have enough going on already, JT goes head to head with Julian in this week’s Fact Or Fiction.

We return to the usual Impact reporting crew this week, as Larry is back in action with this week’s TNA Impact Report and Ryan Byers is back with The Impact Crater.

Samuel Berman comes at us with this week’s Shining A Spotlight.

The man who is amongst my favorite bosses, Larry Csonka, RRReturns with Wrestling’s 3R’s.

Thought you’d get through a whole column with no self-pimping? Foolish human. Go read about the glory days of the Intercontinental Title in That Was Then.

What Did We Learn This Week?

In all things, there is at least one lesson to be learned. Here I will impart upon you what I took away from each week in ECW and TNA. You are encouraged to send in your own life lessons learned from such men as Kevin Thorn and Sonjay Dutt.

This week on ECW On Sci-Fi, I learned that…

-“ECW Original” is WWE-speak for jobber.

-Getting fired while recovering from neck surgery and then bitching about it for a couple of years is the formula for getting rehired and given a main event push,

-Getting the crap kicked out of him by Finlay, getting beaten up by the Big Show, and walking through five men in the Elimination Chamber barely scathed Bobby Lashley, but one crappy flying clothesline from Rob Van Dam sparks a major medical emergency. That’s Nintendo Logic for you. Maybe Greenhorn thoud thitck to cutting pwomoth.

This week on TNA Impact, I learned that…

-Racist southerners still make great heels, especially if the people running the company are a bunch of politically incorrect hatemongers.

-Jeremy Borash and Eric Young would make a much better team on Loveline than Dr Drew and Adam could ever dream of being.

-AJ Styles must have really pissed someone off to wind up in an alliance with Robert Roode.

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And the first edition of Friendly Competition of 2007 is in the books. It was dead for a few weeks there, but I expect more stuff to start happening as the new year gets going. Thanks again for reading, and as usual, if you have anything you’d like to contribute to the column, whether it be suggestions for The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles, things to add to What Did We Learn This Week, or any other thoughts that you’d just like to send along for the hell of it, please feel free to drop me a note at [email protected].

See you all next week! Until then…Belgium.