You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 11.08.07: Daniel Wilcox

Raw completely did not suck this week. I mean, sure the actual wrestling matches were completely worthless, but after a decade of Vince’s Re-Education Program, I’m thoroughly convinced that all wrestling matches are worthless, and merely serve as a backdrop to the lovely segments that take parts in-between the semi-naked-men-groping-each-other competitions.

I loved Marella’s previous gimmick in OVW of Russian shoot-fighter Boris Alexiev. Essentially Boris was Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and he abused the fuck out of people with a really stiff style that looked awesome. Why did it look awesome? Because it looked like he was legitimately hurting people, and he no doubt was. I really wanted Boris to come to WWE and threw a Grown Man Hissy Fit when I found out about his lame Italian gimmick. I think the last time I saw somebody jump from the crowd and join in a match it was Steve Blackman. It made fuck all sense in 1997 and it makes fuck all sense today.

But Marella’s heel turn and Austin feud has been awesome, and whilst I am completely NOT okay with him touching Maria, his segments have shown how good he can be with his new, arrogant and annoying European-dick character.

So what is there for me to make fun of this week? Well the following suggestions came in.

Mark
For the next, or a future ‘Idiot’ column, you should do D.H. Smith, seeing as how he was just suspended for 30 days for violating the Wellness Policy, and I think it speaks for itself why he’s such an idiot.

Mike Campbell
I’d just like to make an official nomination for next week’s idiot: Drum roll please. DH Smith! A whole two weeks into his WWE career, and he’s suspended for wellness violations.

These are all good points. First of all Teddy Hart screws up the new Hart Foundation group by being a douche. Then the WWE screw up DH Smith by having him debut…a week after the England tour?!?! Then After being on TV for two weeks and getting and great little push, he gets himself busted for violating the Wellness Policy. All good points. So, is DH Smith this week’s Idiot?

No. Frankly I’m sick and tired of writing about another muscle-head getting busted for this crap. Unless this happens to a top gun, main event performer, I official Don’t Give A Crap. I doubt I’d be able to ring any new jokes out of the situation anyway, which would make for a crappy column. And let’s face it readers, I already phoned it in last week. No, no, it’s true I did. You can criticize.

So what about this week Idiot? Super Crazy and ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan embarrassed the crap out of the World’s Greatest Tag Team this Monday night, further burying one of the few tag teams the WWE has to offer. Is this Idiot Worthy? Fuck no. The WWE doesn’t care about Tag Teams and we all know it. Furthermore, whether separately or together, the WWE have been shitting all over Benjamin and Haas for years now. A loss to Super Crazy doesn’t even register against Shelton’s Big Fat Momma valeting him to the ring and screwing his opponents………out of matches you sick freaks, screwing his opponents out of matches.

Yet another return of DX? Hornswoggle, Boogeyman and Khali joining DX for the night? Is this Idiot Worthy? Not a chance. It was an hysterical segment by the two very best in the business today, Michaels and Hunter. Both guys were on top of their comedy game and this was a riotous way to open Monday night Raw.

Could it be Nick Hogan? Nick got arrested this week for something I haven’t bothered to read about because he’s not a wrestler and I don’t give a shit. Something about crashing a car and killing a hobo. Whatever. Look, if I make Nick Hogan this week’s Idiot, then what? Paris Hilton next week? Lindsay Lohan the next? Drunken vehicular manslaughter can only get you so far in life, and it’s time Nick learned that lesson.

So who is gonna be this week’s Idiot? I’ve really got to dig deep to try and find who I hate this week. Who I am angry at the most in the entire world…who has offended me to my very core…

This Week’s Idiot: Daniel Wilcox!

Yeah that’s right, Daniel F’ing Wilcox! The 411 writer responsible for The Raw Report. The guy who writes Thoughts From The Top Rope. Everybody knows that Maria is my girl. The readers know it. All the guys at the 411 Office know it. My defense lawyer in the Harassment Case filed against me by Maria knows it. Everybody. And yet week in and week out in his Raw Report, Wilcox keeps referring to her as “My Maria”.

Last week during the Divas Halloween Ball, Wilcox was practically drooling over her!

Frankly readers, I’m sick of having to read that kind of bullshit. I’ve had words with Wilcox before over this. As I’m sure many of you know, Wilcox and myself used to be amigos over at for The Fink’s Payload. But what none of you will know is because of Wilcox’s unhealthy obsession with my best-girl Maria, tensions between us ran so high that I was forced to leave the Payload. Now I’ve sat back and endured months of this crap, but I can’t take it anymore.

Wilcox, I’m gonna say this one last time for you. Keep your eyes and your keyboard-typing-fingers away from Maria. I’m the one she dresses up all fancy for every week. I’m the one she makes eyes at through the TV set every week. Remember when she used to blow that kiss? Well guess what sucker, that kiss was being blown in my general direction!

This shit has got so bad that I’ve spoken to The Boss Csonka, and he’s told me Wilcox is going to be forced to take a little…’sabbatical’ from 411mania until he can get his shit together and learn to keep away from girls who are SPOKEN FOR!

You’re An Idiot Because – Maria Is Mine And You Know It!

I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to get a colleague in trouble with the boss but a man has got to protect his territory.

Come back soon Dan. I’ll be waiting.

Feel free to direct any hate-mail my way. This means you Wilcox fans.