The Thanksgiving Small-For-All News Report: 11.27.08

Nope. Not going there again this week.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Thursdays are a gift and curse, I guess. The gift of writing on Thursdays is that you don’t have to worry about recapping a PPV and normally get those juicy (albeit mainly bullshit) stories that break later in the week. The curse of writing on Thursdays is that you normally write on at least one holiday a year – this year, in addition to Thanksgiving, I have Christmas duty and New Year’s. Fuck. Well, I guess my streak of consecutive weeks of writing won’t pass five this year.

The only positive of writing on a Holiday is that no one cares what you are writing about because chances are you will either be bored to tears watching the Detroit Lions stink up another football game or half-asleep thanks to eating too much. And for most of you, it will be both!

Small Reviews Survivor Series

You know who I feel bad for? Vladimir Kozlov. Seriously. The dude could not have been in a worse situation at Survivor Series. First, the WWE decided to pull Jeff Hardy from this match after only adding him two days prior. So the crowd, who is looking forward to watching Hardy possibly win the championship, is now pissed that he’s not performing. Not to mention there’s not even a good chance that the live crowd had any idea what was happening. Sure I heard that Lillian Garcia gave a quick “As reported on TMZ.com, Hardy is doubtful for the show”. But wouldn’t that confuse and piss you off more?

Mark my words, Kozlov was fucked beyond belief. Not only was the most popular wrestler in his match gone, but Survivor Series marked his PPV debut. Yes, Kozlov has yet to wrestle a long match in front of a PPV audience – hell, outside of his squash of Charlie Haas on Raw, he had yet to wrestle a LIVE match. And who was his wrestling partner to possibly help him through this match – that’s right, Triple H: the supposed “ring general” of the Smackdown circle. Yup, Kozlov was fucked. Now look, I like Triple H, but he’s not the guy you want to be wrestling in your first major match. Kozlov was thrown into in a lose-lose situation as he would be blamed for the WWE’s misgivings.

As for the match itself, Triple H/Kozlov was not nearly as awful as most people make it out to be. Technically sound? Yes. Boring? Absolutely. Worst match of the year? C’mon, JBL returned as a wrestler this year! Let’s cut Kozlov a little slack here – it’s way more the WWE’s fault than his as to why his match failed to live up to the hype. And thankfully, judging by the Smackdown spoilers, he won’t be near the main event scene for the time being. This will give him some time to learn to wrestle a better PPV match with a real ring general (Matt Hardy).

As for the entire Survivor Series show, I enjoyed it. Unlike most PPVs where I watch the stream on my computer alone, I was blessed with company this time. I spent the day with two of my work friends drinking beer and watching football and then the PPV. I don’t know how I convinced two non-wrestling fans to order the show over an Indy/San Diego game (oh wait, I promised nudity in the women’s Survivor Series match) but I’m glad I did. Hell, I think my buddies had a good time even without any nip slips. Really, any PPV is better watching it in a group – you get to collectively awe at the cool stuff and shit on all the bad stuff. I’m kind of glad I didn’t participate in the Instant Access after the show (like I normally do) since my ratings were a lot higher than what my colleagues think. Hell, I do believe CSONKA was particularly harsh on the show. Such is life.

Next month, after Armageddon, I’ll rank all of the PPVs I’ve seen this year. If I had to guesstimate, it would be on the lower end of the scale (but not the lowest) due to the E having a strong PPV year.

Now let’s begin.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Why The Small-For-All Rules

Okay, so since his return at Survivor Series, all anyone seems to talk about is Edge’s beard. Now I should be all souped up about this seeing as facial hair rules but deep down it really pisses me off. You see back on the Halloween edition of the Small-For-All I reported Edge’s new look. Hell, I even included a picture just in case any Smallophile did not believe me. Yes, four weeks ago, the 411 Universe was blessed with the knowledge of Edge’s awesome beard. So why are people creaming about it now?

Look, I take pride in the Small-For-All! I report exclusives for a reason. So please kids, just remember when you see something crazy happen on your TV screen involving facial hair, character changes, and more importantly, the Great Khali, just remember where you read it first. Unless it’s PWinsider. Then disregard the information at will.

The following is another Small-For-All exclusive:

No RVD Has Not Resigned

Roughly a month ago, it was reported that the WWE has become fed up with those superstars that would repeatedly fail their marijuana test. Unlike any banned substances, marijuana only leads to a $1,000 fine, which led to many superstars paying the fee outright in order to continue their addiction. This was all fine and dandy up until a month ago when a few wrestlers were told outright to curtail their use or face much harsher consequences. The following is a case of a wrestler who saw his push disappear thanks to the sticky icky.

According to the Wrestling Observer, there has been “one wrestler who has failed his marijuana test at least 11 or 12 times.” This wrestler is THE Brian Kendrick.

In case you were wondering why Kendrick’s push suddenly ended after Unforgiven, now you know the real reason. And just in case you don’t believe me, here’s a picture to prove it!

And just in case you think I’m slandering Kendrick’s name for the hell of it, I’m not. I like Kendrick. Hell, I have nothing against weed. It’s just that he’s a fucking idiot for choosing his addiction over his standing in the company. The dude’s making a good amount of money and had a chance at breaking into the upper mid-card. Now his push his as good as dead until he gets his priorities straight. A fucking loser if you ask me.

Also of note is a recent quote of Kendrick’s in WWE magazine. According to pwheadlines, “The latest issue of WWE Magazine features an interview with SmackDown wrestler The Brian Kendrick. When asked what his holiday wish is, he makes an interesting quote. Kendrick said, “A world without laws. I don’t like the idea of people telling you that that there’s a right way to live and wrong way to live, and that’s what laws do.”

You know what would be great: a RVD/Brian Kendrick tag team. Now if only we can get RVD to resign…

Speaking of someone who just recently resigned with the WWE…

The Problem Solver Has Returned!

According to the main page, “The word going around the Smackdown tapings last night was that Tyson Tomko has signed a new deal with WWE. Tomko had been having discussions with WWE about a possible return for 6-8 weeks.”

A great pick-up here for the WWE! When Tomko originally quit the WWE, he wasn’t anything special. After a decent debut match against Chris Jericho at Bad Blood 2004, he killed any sort of push by being a part of the worst match I’ve ever seen in professional wrestling: Tomko vs. Stevie Richards at Unforgiven 2004. After he left, Tomko did the smart thing and began a career in Japan. In Japan, Tomko learned how to work and was part of a formidable tag team with the Great Bernard (A-Train). He left New Japan for TNA and we all know how that worked out. He got himself over but never had a chance at breaking the glass ceiling. Now with plenty of experience under his belt, Tomko is back for Round 2 at the WWE!

Tomko should receive plenty of chances to get himself over in the E. He’s a lot more seasoned, not an awful talker, and already has a history in the fed. Throw in the fact that his running mate Christian should be returning to the WWE sooner than later (nothing’s signed as of yet) and there is a chance that Tomko could see himself in a major angle come Wrestlemania time. Seriously, how awesome would a Edge, Christian, and Tomko stable be?

I See Brackets

Here are the full brackets of the recently begun Intercontinental Championship tournament:

While I should applaud the WWE for finally pushing the IC’s value, after Monday’s Raw, it appears that the IC tournament is only being used to push the recent “History of the Intercontinental Championship” DVD. Boo!

As for who will probably win this tournament, my money’s on CM Punk. While it does not make much sense for an ex-World Champion and current Tag Team Champion to be involved with the IC Belt, either he or Rey Mysterio would be the only logical guys worthy of a match with William Regal at Armaggedon. As much as I would like John Morrison to win this match, a Morrison/Regal match would totally suck.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Black Friday for TNA

According to TNA Wrestling.com, “Starting Thursday (Thanksgiving) on ShopTNA.com will be the biggest sale in the history of Total Nonstop Action, as Don West brings you our first-ever “Black Friday” extravaganza!

Official TNA Home Video DVDs (Pay-Per-Views and Compilations), Superstar T-Shirts, Winter Gear, Hats, CDs and so much more will be on sale at never-before-seen prices at ShopTNA.com.”

Throw in free shipping over any $40 purchase and that’s one hell of a deal. Sadly, after looking over ShopTNA.com, it’s painfully obvious that the majority of T-Shirts suck. Take this one for example:

Who in the blue hell would want to wear a T-Shirt that just states “FLYING FOREARM?” Seriously, hasn’t TNA noticed that the WWE has done a great job of getting away from shirts that look like wrestling shirts? Unless of course you were the one fucking person who picked up The Guru Sonjay Dutt’s “Peace” t-shirt (which looks like one of Maddox’s kids drew it).

T-shirts aside, this deal is really worth it for the DVDs. The majority of DVD sets hover around $20 so any TNA fan/collector/DVD junkie could make out like a bandit on Thursday.

As a business move (and I’ll let JP cover this in depth), it will undoubtedly make the company zero money (normally Black Friday sales focus on a few items allowing customers to purchase other items at full price) but should increase brand exposure. Then again, I don’t know how cool TNA looks when a little six year old kid is hawking a FLYING FOREARM shirt.

Biten’ Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources!

Sting is currently not being involved in any of the Main Event Mafia’s beatdowns for two reasons. First, it’s so he can be looked at as the Godfather of the group. Second, when he turns face, he can use this to gain trust of other babyfaces.

That’s actually the best role for Sting. Other than being retired.

Speaking of Sting, he will not be going on the UK tour in early 2009.

Because who needs the champion of your company in order to sell out 25% of the building’s capacity! Seriously, for reasons like this alone, Sting should NOT be TNA Champion.

TNA has interest in both Super Crazy and Kenny Dykstra.

Why would TNA have any interest in either of these two men? Outside of being ex-WWE wrestlers, neither man would really bring much to the table. Crazy is old and fat while Dykstra seems to have graduated from the Randy Orton school of headcases. I think TNA needs to work with what they already have rather than go after two members of the WWE’s deadweight.

There is talk of bringing an international star to wrestle Awesome Kong at the next PPV.

I guess this didn’t work out seeing as Christy Hemme of all fucking people will be getting a PPV title shot!

What I’m Thankful For

Originally, I was going to make a list of everything I’m thankful for this year (Khali’s face turn, CSONKA allowing me to be late each week with my Small-For-All, Tootsie’s) but then I realized that it wouldn’t be much fun. Rather, I’ll leave you with the one fun thing I am truly thankful for: former wrestlers pimping crap on HSN!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Join me next week as we delve into TNA salaries – from who makes way too much to those that need a second job – it will all be covered next week in the Small-For-All. Until then…

Happy Thanksgiving.