The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks 12.12.08

Welcome back, all — and thanks for checking out your regularly scheduled week end dose of intrawebz ‘rasslin optimism. The holiday season is in full swing the world over, which means that peace on earth and good will toward men continues to permeate the backstage areas and locker rooms of some of our favorite North American professional wrestling promotions. As a result? Not a whole lotta’ big-ticket news items on tap for this week’s FreeThinks. But as usual, there are at least a few smaller stories that warrant our attention nonetheless.

Also —

To help ring in the holiday spirit (read: pad out the relative brevity of this column), I’ll be padding out decking the halls of the latter half of this week’s Friday news report with the second installment of our gratuitous holiday-themed top ten countdown. Surprisingly, just about all of the negative feedback directed at last week’s column came NOT in the form of “WTF do Christmas movies have to do with professional wrestling!?!” snipes (answer: very little, actually… unless you include Santa With Muscles, of course), but rather in the form of “you tool! Why did your list of Christmas movies ignore [insert movie title here].”

As such, kindly allow me to start this week’s column with two noteworthy — and perhaps indeed glaring — omissions from last week’s list:

Though neither film rates in my personal Christmastime top ten, I can certainly understand the fan support that both of these flicks have garnered. As such, Scrooged fans, do accept these gratuitously oversized .jpgs as my official 2008 Christmas gift to you.

(And to all of my Jewish brothers and sisters out there who may have inadvertantly felt left out, my sincerest apologies as well.)

All that said, I will admit to being terribly surprised that nobody named this little gem among their favorites…

Oh right — WRESTLING NEWS!

In this feature, we’ll make a quick note of those mini-news story items that have either already been covered in greater detail by other writers, or that haven’t quite yet materialized into full-blown mega stories of their own. In either case, these items seem to warrant a brief mention nonetheless so that we can keep better tabs on what all’s developing (and — in theory — end up with a better perspective in the long run) along the way.

The Doghouse: Performers who’ve landed in hot water over the past week.
WWE Creative Staff (WWE) – ordered by Vince McMahon to do something with D.H. Smith “immediately.”

Notes: This is a welcome change of pace, as WWE’s creative staff is reported to have been admonished by company CEO Vince McMahon for having let a “pedigree kid” (second-generation star) fall through the cracks and toil away in WWE’s developmental system. Word has it that Vinny Mac is feeling particularly protective of the business these days, largely on account of the high-profile flakeouts of such new-to-the-business stars like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley, both of whom were pushed at great expense to the company only to leave WWE in abrupt and unceremonious fashion. As such, Vince has asked his team of writers to find something to do with a second-gen star like Smith, whom McMahon believes will be less inclined to leave the business on account of the fact that he was raised in and around it. This may also explain the increased exposure that has been dedicated the way of Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Manu.

Word has it that DH Smith could be called up to the main roster at any time. Interestingly, however, rumor currently has it that this second-generation performer will actually be appearing on SMACKDOWN and not aligning himself with “The Legacy” stable of generational stars currently on RAW. On the bright side, distancing himself from this stable will likely allow Smith to establish a name for himself in his own right. Though a number of fans have expressed disappointment that Smith will have to make his mark without a group of fellow “legacy” performers by his side, this is a smart move in the long run for all parties involved — not only because it gives each a chance to pass or fail on his own merit, but also because it won’t water down the second-gen stable’s credibility simply by loading it with *every* new performer who ever had a famous father (which may well be a good thing, when you think about it — lest we see insta-pushes for the sons of such not-quite-“super”stars as Barry Darsow, etc. That’s pretty much begging for “nWo B-Team” jokes, right there).

The Debuts: New and/or newly returning performers of the past week.
Al Snow (TNA) – appeared in Kurt Angle’s corner at Final Resolution PPV.
“Sarah Palin” (TNA) – one-time appearance portrayed by former WCW valet Daffney.
Suicide (TNA) – a.k.a. Frankie Kazarian, made long-awaited debut at Final Resolution PPV.
Hurricane Helms (WWE) – Returned after spending upwards of 12 months inactive due to neck injury.
Scott Reed (WWE) – Made one-time appearance in a losing effort against The Boogeyman on ECW.

Notes: Whether or not Al Snow is likely to stick around the TNA landscape for an extended stay is still a question that is very much open for discussion. Though he is and always has been incredibly talented in the ring (ala Val Venis), Al Snow never amounted to much more than an upper-midcard comedy act, at best, and at age 42, it seems as if his best days to make a main event run as a regular performer could well be behind him.

Scott Reed was the Boogeyman’s opponent on this week’s ECW on SciFi broadcast. He is not believed to have signed any sort of contract for more than a one-time appearance.

The Departures: Obituaries and/or performers whose contracts have ended this week.
Curry Man (TNA) – “fired” from TNA (kayfabe) as a result of the stipulation found in the briefcase he obtained during the Feast or Fired match at Final Resolution.
Gene Snitsky (WWE) – released by WWE on Thursday afternoon.

Notes: This week’s iMPACT! broadcast revealed the contents of the briefcases obtained during the Feast or Fired match that was held this past Sunday at Final Resolution. During this segment, it was revealed that Curry Man had come into the posession of the briefcase containing the dreaded pink slip, meaning that this year-long comedy character had officially reached the end of his run with Total Nonstop Action. In last year’s match, the “fired” briefcase was obtained by none other than Christopher Daniels — the same man who has spent the past year donning the Curry Man gimmick. Given the onscreen release of Daniels’ alter-ego, as well as the repeated mentions of this TNA X-Division pioneer over the past several weeks of TNA programming, it is widely believed that an onscreen return for The Fallen Angel could indeed be imminent.

From the storyline to the unemployment line, we turn now to the story of Gene Snitsky, who was legitimately released by his employers in WWE late on Thursday afteroon. Snitsky’s release comes on the heels of a late-year housecleaning by World Wrestling Entertainment, and his firing was likely done strictly for budgetary reasons on account of the company’s efforts to cut costs across the board. Several weeks ago, Snitsky’s name was bantered about as one of the lower-card performers who were most likely to receive his walking papers in this time of financial crisis. Though the easy joke here is to say that the firing “wasn’t Snitsky’s fault!,” the simple truth of the matter is that it wasn’t all that much of a surprise, either.

The Drama: Developing scandals and/or budding backstage rumors.
JBL/Joey Styles (WWE) – Got into an off-screen fight during WWE’s recent tour of Iraq.
Victoria (WWE) – Rumored to be retiring in the very near future.

Notes: The Joey Styles/JBL story is covered in complete detail below.

The Victoria situation is covered in complete detail below.

The Disabled List: Performers who’ve gone down to injury or suspension in the past week.
Rhino (TNA) – Missed Friday house show in Troy, Ohio, due to elevated blood pressure.

Notes: Rhino was pulled from TNA’s go-home house show last Friday morning as a result of the Ohio State Athletic Commission recommending that the performer seek hospitalization for what appeared to be an alarmingly high blood pressure. The good news is that Rhino took doctors’ advice, and does indeed appear to be fine. It is also good to hear that TNA performers are subject to random physicals performed by officials representing the various state athletic commissions at tour stops along their schedule.

Joey Styles Stands Up to JBL
WWE.com Guru Knocks Out Former Champ While in Iraq

In your late-breaking contender for offscreen story of the year, it was reported this week that WWE announcer-turned-webmaster Joey Styles actually managed to knock out former WWE Champion JBL by landing a punch to his eye in an offscreen scuffle during WWE’s recent tour of Iraq.

(To beat a dead joke into the ground once and for all, there’s still no word yet from WWE headquarters on whether or not the company would indeed be going forward with a “JOEY’S GONNA’ KILL YOU” t-shirt.)

As for the story behind the story —

Apparently, it’s something of an unspoken rule that anyone who falls asleep on a WWE plane ride overseas automatically opens themselves up to a world of prankery (such was the case several years back for Michael Hayes, who wound up with an impromptu haircut on a plane ride across the pond). This time around, ring announcer Lillian Garcia ended up falling asleep on the plane to the U.K., which earned her a bucket of ice over the head — courtesy of one JBL.

But Lillian was hardly alone in her hazing plight, as Bradshaw has always been notoriously rough on the younger performers and those with less experience than he. As such, he took particular glee in rousing trouble with WWE web guru Joey Styles, largely on account of the fact that the recent Tribute to the Troops tour was Joey’s first trip with the company to Iraq — a trip that Styles was looking forward to making for some time now. Over the course of the company’s trip to the military bases overseas, Bradshaw continued taunting Styles — both verbally and physically, even going so far as to intentionally spill a drink on the former ECW announcer.

One night, a drunken JBL apparently said something so offensive that Styles decided to retalliate, and the former “Voice of ECW” managed to land a punch square on the face of the self-proclaimed “Wrestling God,” leaving Bradshaw lying flat on the floor with a black eye for his troubles. Bradshaw’s injury was so obvious, in fact, that he had to appear wearing make up and a low-tilted cowboy hat on this past Monday night’s RAW — and even then, viewers could still make out the traces of facial bruising (YAY HI DEFINITION!). The backstage reaction to the event has — understandably — caused Bradshaw to be noticeably more withdrawn than usual, as the former WWE Champion is reported to have spent most of Monday’s show keeping to himself, skipping out on normal locker room socialization in favor of e-mailing on his Blackberry and the like.

In the end, while many fans and wrestlers alike are chalking this one up to a well-deserved case of karma (on account of the fact that Bradshaw is a notorious backstage bully, and has been for years), the Styles incident was seen as doubly embarrassing for JBL, first because he was legitimately bested by a non-wrestler, but largely because he was humbled during the Tribute to the Troops tour — an event that Bradshaw has been instrumental in organizing over the past six years.

Victoria Planning to Retire?
Former Women’s Champ Could be Hanging Up the Boots

This week, various rumors have begun ciculating that former WWE Women’s Champion Victoria has submitted her notice of resignation from World Wrestling Entertainment, and could be wrapping up her onscreen tenure in the very near future. Victoria has been under contract with WWE since 2001, first as one of The Godfather’s “Hos,” and then as a regular performer beginning in 2002, and is widely considered to be one of the best (if not THE best) women’s wrestlers to have been employed by World Wrestling Entertainment over the past ten years.

Unfortunately for Victoria fans, she has seen her star fade quite a bit since making the jump to Smackdown! in the supplemental draft of 2008. Since her blue brand debut in June, the diva once feared as WWE’s resident heel headcase has undergone something of a dramatic personality shift, and has since become more of an undercard comedy character. While a lot of web fans in particular have bemoaned this onscreen “devaluation” of one of the company’s top female perfomers, it bears noting that most reports have confirmed that this new onscreen persona was actually Victoria’s idea, as the woman who plays the part (real name: Lisa Marie Varon) felt that a rule-breaking goofball was actually more in line with her real-life personality.

Finally, it is also worth pointing out that Victoria has been fighting a particularly nasty injury throughout much of her career. In the WWE Unscripted book, the WWE diva spoke openly about the fact that her right knee has been particularly problematic ever since her onscreen performances in and around the time of WrestleMania XIX. The former Women’s Champion was advised to take time away from the ring in order to undergo knee surgery, but — at the advice of fellow performer Steve Austin — she opted instead to wear a heavy duty knee brace while performing in the ring. Victoria still wears the brace some six years later, and one has got to believe that putting off what may well have been a much-needed procedure for (literally!) upwards of 2000 days’ time simply has to catch up with her health in the long run.

MeeThinks?

If Victoria’s dead set on walking away from the wrestling business at this stage in the game, then she should by all means feel free to do so knowing that her fans will have nothing but the utmost respect for her decision when all is said and done. Victoria is and always has been a performer who navigates her career on her own terms — first by applying for a job rather than being scouted, then working from the role of valet into an in-ring performer, next by refusing to pose for Playboy magazine even if it meant a stagnation in her upward mobility, and again by choosing her onscreen character in accordance to her own demands — and so it seems fitting that this longtime star would likewise leave the business in the very same way that she worked through it in the first place. For a performer that has consistently delivered high quality in-ring performances in spite of working for an industry that often neglects the talent of the very women it employs, it only seems fair that Victoria have the opportunity to retire not because some promoter told her to, but rather because she and she alone had decided that the time was right.

Outside of the wrestling industry, Victoria owns a motorcycle shop called Black Widow Customs, and is reported to be quite successful in that line of work. As such, if Victoria is really ready to walk away from the professional wrestling industry at this stage in her life, it seems pretty foolish to keep grinding her knee down to the point where she risks a lifelong injury solely for a paycheck that she can clearly do without.

WWE Presents “Armageddon” This Sunday
December Card to Close Out Company’s PPV Calendar Year

With news being light again this week, I guess its only fair that we spend a few quick minutes breaking down the card for this weekend’s Armageddon PPV. On paper, I’ve gotta’ admit that it looks pretty freakin’ impressive. Jericho and Cena have always shared tremendous chemistry, while the Jeff Hardy quest for the gold over on Smackdown! has built the kid up to his highest peak of popularity yet. The undercard is strong to boot, with TWO matches from ECW on the same PPV, the long-awaited “first ever” clash of Orton versus Batista, and the Punk/Mysterio tourney finals sure to work the fans into a frenzy (I’d peg this one to open the show).

Let’s take a closer look at each of the matches below:

ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Vladimir Kozlov (Non Title)

Non-title matches almost ALWAYS end up with the challenger coming out ahead, and I really can’t see the ‘E flushing away Kozlov’s “unbeaten” gimmick in a B-level PPV like Armageddon. Vlad is still unpinned and the ECW title is still not on the line at the time of this article’s writing, and so I’ve gotta’ believe that Kozlov will be walking out of this one with his hand held high.

Finlay vs. Mark Henry (Belfast Brawl)

Does anybody even remember the last time that Finlay managed to win a singles’ PPV match? Yeah, that’s not a good thing. And with the ECW title not (yet) being defended at the PPV, it stands to reason that the brand is still pretty freakin’ hard-pressed to come up with a credible challenger for its top prize (sorry, Jack Swagger — I’m just not buying it yet). Giving either man a big win here would be a great way to cement a number one contender. Since Hardy vs. Henry has been done to death, I’ll pick the Fightin’ Irishman and hope for the best.

Batista vs. Randy Orton

Either Batista or Orton would make for a credible challenger to John Cena for the next PPV. Thanks to multi-man brawls, tag contests, and singles outings, both men have virtually split their wins and losses against the current World Champion, and so it’s certainly no stretch to see either combination of ’em lock horns again in a rubber match to determine who the better man is once and for all. I’ve gotta’ believe that a revist to the Batista/Cena feud makes the best business sense for WrestleMania though — and so if Cena beats Jericho to retain, I’d bank on Randy Orton to win here in order to buy the company some time before the inevitable Cena/Batista rematch for WrestleMania.

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk – Intercontinental Title Tournament Finals

This match comes as something of a surprise to Mee, as I thought for SURE we were going to see the road to the Intercontinental Championship lead through a war between the tag champs to the point where it came at the expense of the PunKingston title reign. Though a CM Punk win would certainly put his singles’ career on the fast track out of Kofi-town (Kingston?), all signs thus far have indicated that William Regal is actually pulling for the Straightedge Superstar to pull out the victory here. And heck — if the ‘E plays their cards right, they can stretch a Punk/Regal feud over the IC strap all the way out through WrestleMania.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho got his ass handed to him two weeks ago on RAW, but last week’s episode saw him getting the better of Cena with a killer beatdown to really hammer home these two men’s rivalry. Since this week’s RAW ended with Cena giving chase but not quite giving the fans that revenge beatdown that Jericho so richly deserves (although, when you come to think of it, wasn’t it Cena who the first punch in the fight after Survivor Series?), I’m going to go ahead and pick ‘Da Champ to retain his gold here. Jericho would make a great champion, but the Road to WrestleMania is just around the corner, and we’re going to need a clear-cut title picture to emerge in short order to get fans pumped for the Silver Anniversary of The Grandaddy of Them All.

WWE Championship: Edge vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H (Triple Threat)

No matter how good this match may be, there’s absolutely no chance it’ll top the all around awesomeness contained in the three-way-dance below:

Oooh right, prediction? I’d say Edge retains.

GRATUITOUS HOLIDAY-THEMED TOP TEN COUNTDOWN
Because December is Upon Us and ‘Rasslin News is Light

As we continue through the holiday season, I thought it’d be fun to take a quick minute away from what was once again a relatively light ‘rasslin news of the week in order to spread a little holiday cheer. This week’s gratuitous top ten? My personal picks for the very best modern day ORIGINAL Christmas songs. That means you won’t find a “Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town” or a “Jingle Bells” here, folks. Insead, I wanted to take a few minutes to look past the scads of covers and re-releases of traditional carols in favor of paying a bit more attention towards a handful of ORIGINAL Christmas tunes (well alright, there’s one cover on the list — but it’s a cover of an original song, at least!), particularly those released in the past 25 years or so.

And since it’s practically a whole entire sub-genre unto itself, we’ll likewise be ignoring the ever-popular Christmas comedy/parody songs (sorry, “Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo”).

Right, so — onto this week’s gratuitous holiday top ten. It’s by no means definitive, of course (and entirely subjective, at that) — but as we trudge through the home stretch toward the 25th, here’s a few of my personal favorite “Original Christmas Songs That Don’t Suck” to help break the monotony of that umpteenth rendition of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” As a bonus, I’ve even included links to mp3 samples of each of the songs on the top ten (the links below each will open the file in a new window, and play through your default music player).

Honorable Mentions:

NewSong, “Christmas Shoes” (GOOD LORD how I despise this song! In his 2006 book, I Hate Myself and Want to Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You’ve Ever Heard, author Tom Reynolds actually names this song as the single most depressing song in modern music history.)

10. Ben Folds, “Lonely Christmas Eve” Geek-punk singer songwriter Ben Folds lent this song to the soundtrack for the 2000 live-action remake of Dr. Seuss’ “How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” and some might argue that it’s the single redeeming quality to come out of the entire affair. Well ok, that and the fact that it introduced the world to a pint-sized Taylor Momsen, now famous for her backstabbing high society antics on The CW’s “Gossip Girl.” Disaffected with spunk, it’s a great bah-humbug take on the holiday season.

9. Dido, “Christmas Day” For the sake of all things manly, I should probably start by saying that I’m not a big fan of Dido. That said, my best friend from college is a diehard fan of all things metal. Iron Maiden, Metallica — you name it. And believe it or not, the guy has a soft spot in his rock & roller heart for — yup — Dido. That’s how I stumbled across this particular ditty, and it’s surprisingly tolerable.

8. Ron Sexsmith, “Maybe This Christmas” This track was catapulted to mainstream exposure in 2004 thanks to its inclusion on the third installment of the soundtrack series to FOX’s then-teen ratings juggernaut, “The O.C.” Seth Cohen and his fellow indie music fans around the world rejoiced at a collection of Christmukkah tunes from lesser-known artists that were a bit off the beaten path. And for my money, Ron Sexsmith’s “Maybe This Christmas” is the best of the bunch. Humble, understated and honest — it’s a great song.

7. John Legend, “Refuge (When It’s Cold Outside)” This track isn’t strictly a Christmas song, but it certainly spends enough time singing about snow, cold and clouds to warrant inclusion on any worthwhile list of winter ballads. Touching and heartfelt, Legend imbues the track with gratitude and warmth all over. And as an added bonus? He ends it with a recorded answering machine message from his parents, showing just how all of these holiday songs don’t always have to be of the romantic love nature.

6. The Dave Matthews Band, “Christmas Song” Get over the fact that it’s Dave Matthews, for a second, and you’re in for a treat. The original recording of this song runs for a steep 10:54, and the last few minutes are dedicated to nature sounds — which makes it virtually useless in a holiday playlist set to shuffle. But if you’re willing to slap it on the end of a homemade Christmas CD? It’s really quite a well-written lullabye and the perfect track to close out an album, as it does beautifully on Dave’s oft-overlooked debut disc, “Remember Two Things.”

5. James Taylor, “River” Legendary folk uberstar James Taylor has certainly gotten a lot of mileage out of his cover of this Joni Mitchell classic — and with good reason, too, as his version of “River” may well be even better than the original. He first released his take on this tune in 2004, when it appeared as a free download on his website as a bonus track to his limited-edition “A Christmas Album” Hallmark-exclusive CD. Two years later, he’d re-release the exact same album to a wider audience — this time, with the bonus track included on the disc itself. If you asked Mee, “River” absolutely makes the re-release the better album, by a mile.

4. The Smashing Pumpkins, “Christmastime” Don’t let the lyrics from “Today” fool you, Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan has never had a happy day in his entire life. Needless to say, the mere prospect of hearing this career downer singing a holiday carol about “the most wonderful time of the year” is almost sure to have “trainwreck” written all over it. And yet? Not so much. Instead, Corgan channels his trademark disaffected whine into a nostalgic, thoughtful holiday reflection piece. The result is a great modern-day Christmas classic, and a fantastic Pumpkins song to boot.

3. Ray Charles, “That Spirit of Christmas” Any song that’s enough to bring a tear to Clark Griswold’s eye is certainly good enough for Mee, and so it’s a no-brainer that the incomperable Ray Charles would make this list of modern-day Christmas classics for a track that appeared most famously in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (you know, the scene where Clark is stuck in the attic watching old family movies from Christmases gone by). In Ray’s own words — “it’s truly amazing / That Spirit of Christmas.”

2. Bruce Hornsby, “Lost In The Snow” Part-time Grateful Dead pianist Bruce Hornsby is, in my estimation, one of the single most overlooked talents in the entire music industry. The guy can play circles around so many of his more well-known contemporaries (I’m looking at YOU, Billy Joel), and artists from Don Henley to Tupac are forever in their debt to his behind-the-scenes knack for crafting some of the most memorable pop melodies of the past twenty years. “Lost in the Snow” is no exception, as Bruce delivers a sweeping, sunny piano riff as he sings the story of a family “slogging through the snow waist-deep” who gets lost while looking for the perfect Christmas tree. A great, great, song.

1. The Weepies, “All That I Want” Here’s where I tip my hand toward the indie end of the spectrum one last time, but there really is no denying that husband-and-wife duo The Weepies “All That I Want” is, for all intents and purposes, probably as close to an honest-to-goodness, contemporary modern-day Christmas Carol as you’re ever likely to find. In an age where over-the-top holiday consumerism mirrors the overproduced shlock of so much pop music, Deb Talan’s hushed and lulling vocals work perfectly to give this song a beauty in its simplicity, filling the track with the elusive aura of a pure childlike charm.

And With That, I’m Outta’ Here

Apologies once again for the utter subjectivity and complete irrelevance of this week’s gratuitous top ten. The economy is in the toilet and news is slow, ya’ know? More fun next week. But until then, however — enjoy the last of the “big two’s” PPV offerings for the year, GO PATS! (would someone care to tell me just who, exactly, passes for a good team in this league anymore?), and always stay positive.

– Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : 1-800-799-SAFE.