411Mania Saturday Morning’s Main Event! 01.03.09

Before we start, a very happy birthday to my grandmother who’s…hell if I know how old she is. Older than I’ll ever be, I reckon.

So…what was the news?

This was the week of “almost” stories. Some things came up that looked like they might be important, but they ended up being either minor stories or completely overblown.

There was almost one pretty big story this week, but luckily for TNA, UFC & Spongebob Squarepants, crisis was averted as Viacom & Time Warner Cable came to an agreement that will keep 19 Viacom stations on the cable service. Time Warner apparently covers 13% of these here United States, so Spike being taken off the air there could have cut TNA’s average rating down to a 0.8 or so. So that was almost the big news story of the week. But, it wasn’t.

So, I guess the big news story of the week is this Wrestler movie that everybody’s hot and bothered about. WWE had an opinion about it…

“While ‘The Wrestler’ is a very engaging movie, it portrays how wrestling was conducted in some independent wrestling circuits, unlike WWE, which is a global brand with millions of fans.”

I, for one, am surprised they didn’t work the term “WWE Universe” in there somehow. Seriously, that has to be one of the most annoying catchphrases of all time, right up there with “sports entertainment”. Gag me with a spoon. TNA also had a statement…

“We’re happy to see professional wrestling in the mainstream spotlight through the movie ‘The Wrestler.’ Mickey Rourke’s performance is nothing short of sensational; Mickey Rourke is the movie. His portrayal of an over-the-hill wrestler struggling to find his own meaning in life has already been talked about as Oscar-worthy, and rightfully so.”

From the tone of their first sentence, TNA sounds like they’re hoping that the movie will help pro wrestling get over more with the mainstream audience and bring back some of the casual wrestling fans that drifted away in the early 2000s. I’ve heard this sentiment repeated in other corners of the Internet, the belief that the movie will somehow spawn the next wrestling boom. I don’t see that happening. Mind you, I haven’t had the chance to watch the movie yet (we here in Kentucky are a bit behind most of the nation on our movies, I think Citizen Kane just hit the theaters), but the impression I get is that pro wrestling isn’t exactly shown in a favorable light. So the logic that people would want to see something that isn’t shown in a favorable light…I’m not quite sure I understand that.

The director of the movie, Darren Aronofsky, had some statements recently that struck fear into the heart of the Chairman of WWE…

“There’s really no reason why these guys are not in SAG, they’re in front of a camera performing and doing stunts, and they should have that protection. They should have health insurance and they should be protected. When I won the Golden Lion, I dedicated the film to all the wrestlers; I kind of shared their stories. They’re a unique lot. They’re not organized, they have no pension, no health care, so many of them are tragically dying at a young age. I was talking to Mickey, ‘Why aren’t wrestlers in SAG?’ If you really think about it, the Screen Actors Guild should organize them…they’re performing in front of a camera, and stuntmen are SAG.”

OH NOES~! No wonder Vince hates the movie. The thought of a union to Vince McMahon is similar to the thought of the union between Frankie Kazarian & Traci Brooks to me. We don’t like it, we don’t understand it, and we won’t condone it.

Oh…here’s some breaking news that might actually trump the movie stuff!

Representative Henry A. Waxman wrote a letter to John P. Walters, who is Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy with information about the Oversight Committee’s investigation into the use of steroids in pro wrestling. To sum it all up…it ain’t good. There are a couple of interesting tidbits that I will go over here:

“In the first year of the WWE’s testing program, which began in March 2006, 40% of
wrestlers tested positive for steroids and other drugs even after being warned in advance
that they were going to be tested.”

Only 40%? Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. As more positive commentators would point out, that means that 60% of the WWE roster wasn’t using steroids. Woot!

“The WWE hired four of five wrestlers who tested positive for steroids in “pre-contract” testing conducted in 2007 and 2008.”

So who wants to speculate on who the four were? I will say that the one they didn’t hire was Bryan Danielson. Mostly to get ROH fans really mad at me. I don’t know why I want to do that, it just sounds like fun at the moment.

“Test results from the ‘WWE’s top competitor, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, reveal that a large proportion of TNA wrestlers have also tested positive and that there are significant weaknesses in the TNA testing program.”

Well, there goes that theory I read somewhere about how fewer TNA wrestlers were getting hurt because they weren’t using the roids. Whoops!

“The Committee obtained information relating to the death of Chris Benoit. According to WWE officials, Mr. Benoit was tested four times for steroids prior to his death. He tested positive three times, but each time he received only a warning or no penalty at all. The Committee obtained no evidence that efforts were made to discourage his steroid abuse.”

And people thought Randy Orton was getting off easy.

“On September 25,2007, the Committee interviewed Dr. David Black, who is the program administrator for the WWE steroid testing program. In his interview, Dr. Black stated that this amendment was adopted because “it was becoming difficult to deal with the talent who were being suspended,” Dr. Black told Committee staff that he was “unaccustomed to programs that suspend and you’re not suspended.”

Obviously Dr. Black’s never worked in pro sports, where people frequently get suspended and then get out of it thanks to the players’ union. So maybe the need for a union isn’t as strong as Darren Aronofsky thinks it is?

“During his interview, Mr. McMahon was asked whether he knew if there are health risks from steroid use, including long-term risks. He responded: “I’m not a doctor. I don’t know.” When asked what he would tell wrestlers who asked about potential health risks, he answered: “I don’t know if there are really any long-term effects of steroid usage.” When asked whether steroids could cause impairment and risks to wrestlers and others in the ring, Mr. McMahon indicated that he had never considered the question.”

Ouch. So judging by this, Vince McMahon is either a complete liar (likely) or the dumbest man on the face of the earth (well…). And one would assume that since Vince is 63 years old, he would know first-hand whether there are long-term risks to using steroids or not. If Vince is any indication, long-term risks to using steroids include an inability to walk normally, yelling at anybody and everybody in the range of your voice, and the ability to get almost everybody in the wrestling business and most of the fans to buy into your line of B.S. OK, so that last risk doesn’t sound so bad.

Eight months later, in August 2008, the TNA issued a drug and alcohol abuse policy that includes random testing, although it fails to explain the protocol for selecting wrestlers who will be tested or provide information about how samples will be collected.

James Storm is in a lot of trouble.

Where do I stand on all of this? Well, I don’t think this letter tells us anything terribly shocking (are you really shocked by Vince lying his ass off? Of course not.), and the main function of it is to give us a little more detail into the steroid situation. A very little. It would be insane to be 100% anti-steroid due to the medical usages for them (in fact, I might have to have a steroid injection into my eyelid if it doesn’t heal by February, which would be the first time I’ve used a performance-enhancing drug instead of a performance-reducing drug). That being said, I think the concern over wrestlers’ over-usage of steroids for non-medicinal purposes is valid. Should the government have better things to talk about? Sure. But since the out-going administration wouldn’t let them talk about important things like that pesky war on terror, they had to do something to kill time. And let’s face it, steroid talk has been one of the major topics of discussion for the American public for the past few years…isn’t it kinda nice that Congress is talking about what we’re talking about?

And it’s nice that I ended up actually having something worth talking about this week. Thanks, Representative Waxman!

WWE & Barry Windham parted ways this week as a cost-cutting measure. Windham had been serving as a “producer” for the past couple of years. Barry seems like good people, but it’s probably for the best they let him go…would you really want to see him as part of the Legacy? Well, he’d probably still be able to have a better match than Sim Snuka ever will, but I don’t think he’d fit the demographic.

The comment thread on Windham’s firing amused me…it seems that you guys either think that Windham was one of the top five wrestlers of all time, or that he flat-out sucked. I don’t agree with either side of the issue, to be perfectly honest. Windham was a good talent, especially in the late 80s before the injuries started to pile up he was one of the best workers of the time period. But, that time didn’t last nearly long enough for him to be seriously considered in any GOAT discussion.

WWE is planning to release a “History of DX” book later this year. Considering most of DX’s biggest fans aren’t able to read, I don’t know who this would appeal to.

WWE.com reports that JBL has lost one hundred pounds thanks in part to his new energy drink. You know, I’ve noticed that the Wrestling God looks a bit thinner these days, but if he really lost a hundred pounds, he must have ballooned to 400 during his time as a Smackdown announcer. But I wouldn’t dare question JBL’s claim…it’s not like a pro wrestler would lie to us, right?

Right?

Nah, I don’t buy it. I mean, JBL’s been fat, but he’s never been Charles Barkley level fat. But if we hear about JBL getting pulled over and telling the officer that the chick next to him gives the best blowjobs he’s ever had…

Divas Champion Maryse (how’s that for a segue) dislocated her kneecap at a Smackdown house show last weekend, but Jim Ross reports that her injury wasn’t as bad as originally feared and she won’t have to forfeit the title. Upon hearing the news, Maryse was pissed off because “ma ceinture ressemble a merde!”

If you don’t understand that, go learn some French.

Random Smackdown Thoughts!

Do we really need Happy New Year graphics on January 2nd? I don’t know about you, but I’ve already exchanged such sentiments with everybody that I regularly talk to. And quite frankly the whole New Year’s thing is overrated anyway.

A Vickie Guerrero/Triple H extended promo kicks off the show. It’s like they’re telling me not to care.

Hey, Umaga’s coming back! I don’t buy into the talk that he’s one of the top talents in the company, but it’ll be nice to have him around again.

Seems like Hawkins & Ryder have gotten better since I saw them last. Now they aren’t getting squashed by Kahli, they’re getting squashed by Khali & Finlay! BTW, Khali & Finlay need to be tag champs like yesterday. Amazingly enough, the former Edgeheads get some offense on Finlay, but that doesn’t last long. Hornswoggle’s almost bearable in this role. That was fun.

I enjoy how any show in New Jersey is “just outside New York City” according to WWE.

Maria’s red hair still throws me off. Eve’s boobs also throw me off.

Jesse & Festus are still around. Who knew? I do enjoy how Festus has the same hairstyle as Gene Okerlund. Interesting to see a role reversal of Festus getting beat up and Jesse making the hot tag. But it doesn’t matter because nobody beats The Brian Kendrick! And the big dude that actually won the match. I like how Kendrick insists on putting his jacket back on after the match. He probably wears that thing everywhere.

Well, at least Kozlov’s pinkeye finally healed. So much for that Hurricane push, eh? OK, so Helms got more offense than I expected. That means that he hit a move or two.

Hey, there are some Royal Rumble match participants. None of which would surprise you. Shelton is outraged with JR’s lack of respect towards him, as am I. I’m sure Shelton was really outraged with Undertaker’s lack of respect, but we’ve yet to get comment from him after the chokeslam.

Is it just me, or does Kizarny look like a Jeff Hardy brother from another mother?

Michelle McCool’s apologies sound as sincere as Raven’s apology after crucifying the Sandman. There’s probably a reason for that. Eve comes down and gets beaten up. As far as I know, her boobs are ok. But I’ll do some more research on that later.

Are there actually nude Vickie Guerrero pictures on the Internet? I’m sure one of you sick bastards has searched for them at some point.

Watching Kizarny’s entrance furthers my theory that he’s a long lost Jeff Hardy brother. I do dig the facial hair. Not a bad match, but it didn’t really hold my attention. Which is a good thing because I need to finish this column before midnight. KENNEDY! His white facial hair makes him look like he’s 80.

So Triple H faces Triple Jeopardy next week. Double Jeopardy is illegal in these here United States, so I assume that Triple Jeopardy would be as well. I enjoy their usage of the handicapped symbol to signify a handicap match.

Phew, I was worried that the main event was going to be really long. Good thing Edge wanted to cut a promo. I ended up not paying any attention to the main event and instead wrote all that stuff about steroids. I realize that’s an anti-climatic way to end this section of the column, but what can ya do.

Feedback!

From The 2008 TNA Wrestling Awards Spectacular!

In case you didn’t know, Christopher Daniels hasn’t been away training, but was Curry Man up until a month ago. While I agree that he’s the guy to look out for in 2009, he hasn’t been on Hiatus

Posted By: Stephen (Guest) on January 01, 2009 at 11:46 PM

LIES! ALL LIES! How dare you make such outlandish allegations! I know for a fact that Curry & Christopher were trained at the same wrestling school and have been friends ever since. As Larry Csonka once reported, they made a pact many years ago to never wrestle each other, and have gone out of their way to avoid crossing paths. Curry Man refused to enter TNA until after Daniels left, and until then spent many years in his homeland of Japan. Everybody knows that!

“Their entrance is the best in the business”

Ummmm Melina and John Morrison would like to talk to you.

Posted By: Matt P (Guest) on January 02, 2009 at 06:33 AM

Morrison & Miz’s entrance is a close second. Melina’s has become somewhat annoying ever since she turned babyface, and what the heck was that entrance with her and Mickie supposed to be a couple of weeks ago? I wonder if Victoria took them aside afterwards and warned them about how exceedingly goofy entrances can ruin careers.

Surprised there was no mention of the Prince Justice Brotherhood – Super Eric and Stone Cold Shark Boy?!

Posted By: Guest#4990 (Guest) on January 02, 2009 at 07:32 AM

I had successfully blocked that out of my memory until you brought it up. Thanks a lot!

It’s scary considering how much I can’t stand TNA and its usual practices, but am I the only person out there who actually LIKES the Suicide character?!

If it were me I’d take a talented indy guy who is happy to use the gimmick and continue with it. Providing the guy has a similar build and can do similar things in the ring then why not. He can always unmask and become a regular later or just vanish.

Posted By: Col (Guest) on January 02, 2009 at 08:36 AM

I admitted that the idea had potential on paper, as a North American promotion had never tried to debut a character on a video game before introducing them to the actual shows, so it was an interesting idea. Over in Japan you see anime characters become real-life people all the time and it gets over. TNA’s attempt didn’t work because they waited months after the game came out to debut Suicide (which is more on Kazarian than them, though they easily could have thrown somebody else in the suit and come up with something for Kazarian to do later), nobody ended up buying the video game anyway so nobody cared, and the appearances by the character so far have ranged from embarrassing to business-exposing. The suit does look cool and the music does stick in my head, so I’ll give you that.

Angelina Love has a man face.

Posted By: Chungles (Guest) on January 02, 2009 at 02:03 PM

I’m not going to justify this lame crap with a thought-out response. Boom. Outta here.

From my last Smackdown recap!

Ummm…I hope you were kidding when you said you “Don’t know what that means” when JR said that Matt and Edge have shared a lot. EVERYONE knows what that means…LMAO!

Posted By: TheUltimateHitman (Guest) on December 13, 2008 at 01:24 AM

Nope, I didn’t have a clue. I doubt my good friend Darth Mortis had a clue either, so if neither of us knows, who could possibly know? Somebody go ask Lansdell about it.

im calling it now…brock & kenny bolin are gonna swerve the ovw audience and join forces

Posted By: ted (Guest) on December 13, 2008 at 05:34 AM

You never know with that evil Kenny Bolin. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him, and looking at the size of him I doubt I could throw him very far. BTW, that event with Brock coming back to OVW for a meet and greet is still on for next Wednesday to the best of my knowledge, so all you Kentuckiana Cook fans need to go down there and give me a full report.

“OK, there are two things I’ll miss about recapping SmackDown”

which two things?

Posted By: hiro (Guest) on December 13, 2008 at 10:01 AM

The Bella Twins, of course. I have a weakness for twins, and for hot sisters in general. Sure, they can’t wrestle, but neither can Maryse and she’s over huge on the Internet. Y’all can have Maryse and I will take the Bellas. Who’s gonna stop me? Carlito & Primo? Pfft……….Please.

You know what sucks? Having to pick between two girls that happen to be related to each other. This happens pretty often in Kentucky.

Steve, Koslov doesn’t have pink eye. I think he’s the new Terminator model.

Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest) on December 13, 2008 at 12:34 PM

Call me crazy, but I prefer my Terminators to look more like Summer Glau and less like Vladimir Kozlov.

Plugs!

Dunn has the Top 10 Matches of 2008. I’m sure his Raw recaps would make more sense to me if I watched anything on television other than wrestling and sports. I lead a sheltered life.

I think the highlight of recent editions of the Rs has been Jeremy Thomas slowly losing his mind over the fact that people think he’s Larry Csonka.

Buy or Sell presented a long year-end edition this week. The participants were determined by the results of a PWG Battle of Los Angeles bracket pool. I am proud to say that I finished in last place in the bracket pool.

Domingo is off to Chyna. Poor bastard.

Eubanks was nice enough to text me on how great the TNA awards were. Obviously he’s in love with me…but who can blame him?

Lansdell talks about our favorite writer named Vince Russo. Yeah, there’s not a lot of competition there.