The Impact Crater 01.31.08

Quick & Dirty Results

Segment #1: Dudley Boys/Murder City Machine Guns/Jay Lethal/Johnny Devine Interview Segment
Segment #2: Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave def. Petey Williams & Scott Steiner
Segment #3: Hernandez def. Billy Gunn
Segment #4: Ricky Banderas def. Kory Chavis
Segment #5: Shark Boy Interview Segment
Segment #6: Jim Cornette/AJ Styles Interview Segment
Segment #7: Angel Williams def. ODB & Roxxi LaVeaux in a three-way
Segment #8: A Prick Named Bob, James Storm, & Payton Banks def. Eric Young, Sonjay Dutt, & Traci Brooks
Segment #9: Samoa Joe/Jim Cornette Interview Segment
Segment #10: Travis Tomko def. Kurt Angle with AJ Styles as guest referee

The Main Stuff

Angle Numero Uno: Stuck in the Middle with AJ

Travis Tomko versus Kurt Angle was this evening’s main event, and I honestly cannot remember the last time that I have looked forward to a TNA main event this much. (Yes, that includes everything that they’ve done on pay per view over the last year or so.) The anticipation was created solely by the excellent job that the company has done with Tomko’s character throughout the month of January, and I was really hoping that tonight’s match could be handled in such a way that it firmly cemented Tomko as a top guy in the promotion for several months and perhaps even years to come.

Unfortunately, that did not happen. Instead of making Tomko the focus of the match, TNA decided that they were going to make AJ Styles the focus of the match, as AJ was deemed special guest referee by Jim Cornette and then supposedly “forced” to “pick a side” between the two competing wrestlers. (Gee, where have I seen this before?) Of course, Kurt Angle is AJ’s stablemate and Travis Tomko is his tag team championship partner, so this was played up as being a sticky situation for Mr. Styles. Frankly, I don’t understand why AJ was once again made in to the focal point of the show. The main event of the next pay per view is Angle against Christian for the TNA Title, and Tomko is far and away the hottest act in the company. As such, it seems far more logical to make a storyline involving one of those two men the main thrust of your show instead of once again going with Styles, who has been the main player on the program since November despite the fact that there are no apparent plans to make him in to a World Champion or even a top contender for that title. Treating AJ as more important than Tomko for this one episode fortunately didn’t do anything to negatively affect the former Problem Solver, but it still left me scratching my head and wondering what in the world the men behind the scenes at TNA are thinking.

Of course, at the end of the match, Travis Tomko did get a pinfall victory over Kurt Angle. That certainly does help Tomko out more than the opposite result would have, but the fact of the matter remains that, when the three count was registered, the Tomko pinning the World Champion did not receive anything more than a passing mention. It was treated as though it were of absolutely no consequence, with the focus once again being given to AJ. The seeds may have been planted for a future Angle/Tomko match due to the pinfall, but it was not made in to nearly the epic moment that it could have been.

Angle Numero Dos: Protracting Contracting

Tonight’s big “contract signing” with Samoa Joe wound up having no finish when Matt Morgan threw a pen at the big Samoan, causing him to snap and put Morgan through a table before ripping up the aforementioned contract. I’ve not been a big fan of Joe’s recent angle, mainly because I don’t understand how a top babyface bitching about wanting more money is supposed to get fans behind him. I still don’t understand that part of the storyline, but I thought that tonight’s segment was the best that they’ve done recently in terms of rebuilding Joe’s aura, which is still hurting from his numerous losses to Kurt Angle. In this evening’s segment, Joe felt that he was disrespected by Morgan, and he decided to respond to that disrespect by kicking the ass of the man responsible. Perhaps most importantly, he was successful in accomplishing that goal. This is EXACTLY how a character should act if you want a professional wrestling audience to get behind him. It was effective last week when they did virtually the same angle with Travis Tomko and Kurt Angle, and it was effective again this week. Whereas the Samoa Joe of a month ago would have just complained about the pen being flung in his direction, the Joe of January 31 took action . . . and that’s all you need to separate an impotent babyface from one that can get a hell of a reaction.

The only thing that I don’t understand is why Joe ultimately opted not to sign the contract, which he still could have done even after suplexing the formerly stuttering giant. That way he would’ve gotten his revenge AND all of the money he’s been after for the last several weeks, thus making him the ultimate winner. However, as I often do when there’s a small flaw in an otherwise good segment, I’ll give TNA the benefit of the doubt here and hope that they offer up some sort of adequate explanation next week.

Angle Numero Tres: If God Were a TNA Heel, They’d Book Him in 5,000 Comedy Skits

God, was the opening segment involving the Dudley Boys and the X Division a mess or what? For those who may have missed it, it began with the Duds cutting a promo in the ring, which was interrupted by the babyfaces. They were dressed up as the old school, tie dyed versions of Bubba and D-Von. Yes, it was yet another joke that half of the audience probably didn’t get because it was based on something that took place in wrestling over ten years ago. If anybody did get it, they didn’t have any time to laugh at the joke, as it was allowed to go on for roughly three seconds before the Duds stormed backstage and beat the ever-loving crap out of their opponents. Mike Tenay even yelled, “Well, this plan certainly went awry for the X Division!” as if to say, “Hey, know these guys that you’re supposed to cheer? They’re completely incompetent and failed at what they were attempting to accomplish this evening!” And people wonder why the entire division isn’t taken seriously. At least once the faces were laid out, Bubba had the opportunity to cut a fairly decent promo on them.

And the Rest . . .

~ I’ve asked this before, but I’ll ask it again: Why does Scott Steiner keep stealing briefcases from Petey Williams? Is TNA management really so stupid that they’ll give the World Title shot to the person who holds the case as opposed to the person who actually won it?

~ “The only thing that you do too well is that you absolutely suck.” Hell of a line there from Billy Gunn to Roxxi LaVeaux.

~ And why did Roxxi still use the New Age Outlaws’ music after Gunn fired her?

~ TNA is promoting its upcoming barbed wire match as a “Masochist’s Dream.” Given that the point of the match is to hurt the other guy and not yourself, shouldn’t it really be a “Sadist’s Dream?” On the positive end of things, I dug the James Mitchell promo on Abyss this evening. His delivery is always awesome, but he is usually working with such terrible material that I can’t stand his interviews overall. Tonight, though, references to the idiotic nature of the Abyss storyline were kept to a minimum, allowing Mitchell to truly shine and promote the upcoming pay per view match. In addition to that, I have to say that Banderas in the background licking the barbed wire was a pretty cool visual.

~ For those of you looking for information on tonight’s jobber in the Ricky Banderas match, it was Kory Chavis (also known as Rainman), an alumnus of NWA Wildside and Full Impact Pro Wrestling. In FIP, he had a feud with none other than Antonio Banks, the man who would go on to become Montel Vontavious Porter in WWE.

~ We had a rare misstep in the usually solid booking of the women’s division tonight. If you’re going to do a three way match involving the number one contender and the number one contender gets to beat up the winner of the match before the bell, why in god’s name wouldn’t you just have the number one contender win the match in the first place?

~ Has anybody else noticed that Bobby Roode and James Storm tag up more frequently than some of the guys who are supposedly regular teams in TNA? On top of that, they win the majority of their matches. Why haven’t they been given a shot at the titles? Oh, right, you don’t get title shots by winning matches in TNA. You get title shots by complaining to Jim Cornette until he caves in and grants them to you.

~ Hearing Fraknie Kazarian attempt to explain the gimmick match that the company is running next week made me laugh far more than his Dustin Rhodes impression. There were about twenty minutes left in the show at the point, and I was afraid that he was going to keep going on until the closing video package.

Overall

This was an odd episode of Impact. Recently, I had accused the company of not giving enough time to certain segments, as they’d spend significant portions of the television show on the main eventers and then do bits with Dustin Rhodes or Kevin Nash that lasted LITERALLY thirty seconds. This time around, there was less focus on the company’s top players. However, instead of their usual time being devoted to one other angle, it was spread evenly throughout the card. Thus, virtually every storyline on the show received between five and seven minutes, with almost no variation. I don’t mean to make a bad pun here, but the spreading out of time in his manner resulted in virtually no segment making an impact. Not as much on this week’s show was as actively bad as other weeks, but that’s primarily because the storylines were not given enough time for something significant to take place.

In short, TNA really needs to work on the pacing of these programs. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. They need to decide what the top two feuds on the show are, and they need to give those programs a combined sixty percent of their television time. To me, that seems to be the perfect way to highlight the fact that the storylines are the most important without running the risk of overexposing them. The remaining forty percent of the television time can then be handed over to three undercard storylines. That gives you plenty of time to do a total of five angles which will have enough time to get over to the proper degree. Want to do more than five pay per view matches? Fine! Not every PPV match needs a storyline behind it, particularly given the strength of the TNA roster from an in-ring perspective. I frankly don’t know that this formula would be perfect, but it certainly sounds far better than what we’ve got.

Reader Feedback

David G. sent in an e-mail which even he had to classify as a long, angry rant:

As usual, another great article. When I wrote in the last time I said I wasn’t watching TNA anymore because it was so STOOOOOOOPID. Well, now I do watch it because it is so STOOOOOPID. It reminds me of a GREAT quote I saw about Britney Spears — “It’s like watching a car get hit by a train. Then a plane crashes into that mess. Then the planet explodes.”

Well, much like last time, this turned into quite a long rant. It just frustrates me to no end that while TNA could put on matches and angles that would put even ROH to shame, they would rather put on matches that apparently literally shame their own fanbase and dig their own grave in the process. The only promise I’ll make this time around is that I will continue to watch the Britney Spears of professional wrestling promotions.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that I have a lot of people contacting me these days saying that they enjoy watching Impact to see how bad it will get. I only wish I could enjoy it in that manner. I can enjoy bad wrestling shows when the booking is awful AND the roster is largely untalented. (For proof, look no further than my UWF recaps.) However, when you’ve got perhaps in the most talented roster in all of North American wrestling being repeatedly handicapped by horrible storylines and television production, I can’t be anything other than frustrated upon viewing the shows.

And, believe it or not, clam juice is a legitimate product. It’s not sold for people to drink but instead is used mainly as a flavoring in seafood dishes. Also on the market is Clamato, a beverage consisting of tomato juice and a shot of clam broth.

JMA Scorpio is on the Corny bandwagon:

Right on the money as usual, dude. Just give Cornette the damn book! It might be old fashioned and old school but I can guaran-damn-tee it would make sense.

I’m a fan of Cornette’s booking as well. Unfortunately, it came out a couple of months back (via the Wrestling Observer) that J.C. doesn’t want a greater creative role in TNA because of the additional stress that it would bring in to his life.

TNA Impact’s Year in Review

Aaaaand my year in review material for 2007 continues to be stretched out over entirely too long a period of time. For those of you who may have missed previous installments, three weeks ago I counted down the five worst TNA storylines of the year, two weeks ago I hit the five best storylines of the year, and last week was the five best episodes of Impact in ’07. This week, we’ll be looking at the year’s five WORST episodes of Impact, and hopefully next week we’ll wrap things up with the Most and Least Valuable Players on the TNA roster for 2007.

The Worst Impacts of 2007

Number Five: October 25 (Link)

This show makes the list for combining undercard stupidity and main event stupidity in one large, flaming ball of suck. One of the undercard feuds featured on this show was none other than Black Reign vs. Abyss. That fact alone own makes this a contender for the worst show of the year. It doesn’t help that this particular episode involved Reign putting Abyss’ head in a vice and then placing a rat on it, which felt more like slapstick comedy than it did a serious wrestling angle. Also hilarious were the developments in the X Division vs. Dudley Boys rivalry, though they was not hilarious because of poor selling but rather because somebody thought that it would actually get over. On this show, we got a sitdown interview from the Duds in which they tried to explain that they were hurting X Division wrestlers in order to get a Tag Team Title shot. If that were my goal, I’d be targeting tag teams . . . but that’s just me.

The real idiocy, though, occurred in the continuation of the Kurt Angle vs. Sting feud. After Sting had won the TNA Title from Angle at Bound for Glory, we got a rematch for free on Impact. For once, I didn’t mind the big match being given away on SpikeTV. What I did mind was the finish and post-match angle. For those of you who may have forgotten it, the bout was going just fine until Kevin Nash (who had a love/hate relationship with Kurt at the time) popped up on to the ring apron. Sting ran at Nash and blasted him, allowing Angle to score the pin. Then, as I put it in my initial review of the show, EVERYBODY BEGAN YELLING. Sting yelled, Kurt yelled, Nash yelled, Jim Cornette yelled, and even Mike Tenay yelled. It wasn’t clear exactly what was going on, but we at least knew that everybody was pissed off. Ultimately, it was explained that Tenay in particular flipped out due to Nash’s “interference” costing Sting the belt. For some reason, the five hundred other run-ins that occur in TNA on a weekly basis don’t bother Iron Mike. This one, however, caused him to absolutely flip his lid and begin a tirade filled with more overacting than the heyday of William Shatner. It was poor television . . . and the quality of the program wasn’t helped with Tenay’s hissy fit caused him to leave the announce position. You know what that resulted in? Solo Don West commentary!

Number Four: August 2 (Link)

I’m sure that, prior to August 2, 2007, many of you laid in bed awake for countless nights, staring at the ceiling and thinking, “God, my life is not complete. You know what would make this mortal toil worth living through? Seeing ANDREW TEST MARTIN in TNA Wrestling.” Well, this is the show in which you got your wish, as Test debuted to a minuscule reaction. He would be gone from the company within a month. Worse yet was the fact that this episode featured the Kurt and Karen Angle domestic violence storyline, though I already wrote plenty about that when I ran it down as one of the Link)

Hot on the heels of the fourth worst Impact of 2007 came the third worst Impact of 2007. How I got through August without quitting this website, giving up on wrestling, and running off to live the rest of my life as a mountain hermit is anybody’s guess.

Normally I don’t talk a lot about individual matches in this column and prefer to break down the company’s overarching storylines. However, on this episode, TNA put together a match which was so poorly thought out on so many levels that I just had to discuss it. It was Raven’s “Clockwork Orange House of Fun,” which has always been a lousy name. More than just the name was lousy on this particular evening, though. This violent gimmick match took place with absolutely zero build and absolutely zero explanation as to what it was happening. On top of that, even though it featured two sets of singles wrestlers who were facing each other at the next pay per view, NOTHING happened during the contest to further either of those storylines. Instead, the two guys involved in the fall were the two guys in the match who had absolutely no issue with any of the other competitors. It was a failure on virtually every level, though at least Raven did a pretty cool looking dive through a table.

Worse yet was more wackiness involving Kurt Angle. Given that his wife had left him on the prior show, Kurt was despondent. He walked around the Impact Zone doing the most grating fake crying this side of Sally Struthers on All in the Family (TNA bookers aren’t the only ones who can make dated references), while Mike Tenay and Don West yelled like “He’s disheveled!” as though we couldn’t see that by taking one look at Kurt’s untucked shirt and loosened tie. This, combined with the episode in which Angle roamed the halls of the Impact Zone in nothing but a speedo, cemented his status as nothing more than a comedy figure, thereby completely destroying any drawing power he may otherwise have had.

Number Two: November 22 (Link)

Oh, the Thanksgiving show. The freakin’ Thanksgiving show. I’ll admit that there were a couple of decent matches on this card, which revolved around TNA’s first ever “Turkey Bowl” tournament. What did the winner in this tournament get? He got a check for a large sum of money . . . a check that in no way, shape, or form played in to later storylines, rendering the entire night of wrestling action meaningless. (Come to think of it, it actually ran COUNTER to an upcoming storyline, as Joe won the cash but still wound up complaining about how little moolah he’d gotten out of TNA.) Perhaps more ridiculous was what TNA had in store for the “loser” of the tournament. What’s that, you ask? How do you declare a loser in a tournament which consists of nine wrestlers? According to TNA, the “loser” is the guy who gets pinned in the finals. Yes, even though that man finished the night 1-1 while others in the tournament were 0-1, he was the loser. Personally, I think that individual should be in third place behind the winner and the guy who didn’t get pinned in the finals, but I guess that’s why I’m sitting here in my apartment in front of a laptop instead of sitting backstage at Universal Studios in front of a laptop.

The shoddy thinking behind the tournament wasn’t the worst part of the evening, though. Things were even worse in what was either Kurt Angle’s house or a sound stage next door to the Impact Zone. (The location seemed to shift based on what was convenient for a particular segment.) You see, Kurt and Karen were hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, and the entire roster was invited! Things got off to a grand start when Kurt said grace and thanked the lord that Pac-Man Jones was gone, thereby admitting that the company knew the Pac-Man angle sucked even though they continued to subject fans to it. Every other skit would feature new wrestlers joining the dinner. Every time a wrestler walked through the front door of the house/set/whatever, EVERYBODY BEGAN YELLING. There were supposedly jokes in these skits, but I’ll be damned if I could actually figure out what any of them were. Between the yelling and the ADHD inspired cuts that happen every three seconds on Impact, I couldn’t tell if I was watching a wrestling show or having a seizure.

Number One: July 12 (Link)

I put this episode on top not because one angle stuck out as something that was particularly easy to mock but rather because there were numerous prototypical TNA mistakes crammed in to such a short period of time. In fact, I think that every single one of the promotion’s most common gaffes was committed on July 12, so why don’t we just run down what those are and how they were displayed on this particular evening:

1.) Ignoring Your PPV Main Event to Push Something Else – Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe were wrestling the Dudley Boys in tag team action in the next pay per view main event, but there was literally NO issue created between the two teams. Instead, the entire focus of the episode was Kurt’s animosity towards Joe.

2.) Making a Serious Angle in to Comedy – The week prior, Rhino’s alcoholism appeared to be a solid, believable catalyst for his rivalry with James Storm. On July 12, it was turned in to something to laugh at.

3.) Cramming Too Much in to Too Little Time – Within a single two minute period on this show, the following things happened: Abyss pinned Lance Hoyt. Abyss poured glass in to the ring. Doug Basham ran in to save Lance Hoyt. Basham left Christy Hemme standing there. The New Age Outlaws ran in to attack Basham and Hoyt. Abyss tried to put Christy Hemme in the glass. AJ Styles and Tomko ran in to attack Abyss. Christy Hemme magically vanished. Sting ran in to attack AJ Styles and Tomko. Abyss cut a promo. OVERBOOKING~!

4.) Introducing an Over-Complicated Gimmick Match AND Failing to Fully Explain It – In this case we’re dealing with the Ultimate X Gauntlet Match. I was still able to ask no fewer than five questions about the rules of the contest by the time the episode was over, so somebody clearly failed to make sure that the stipulations were tightly put together. Fortunately, the match wound up being decent despite this.

And, there you have it . . . the five worst Impacts of 2007. Like I said, hopefully the year in review feature will FINALLY conclude next week, at which point I can focus entirely on the present instead of devoting so much time to the past.

I’ll see you all on Sunday with the Custom Made News Report. Until then, be sure to add me as a friend on MySpace, where you’ll receive bulletin notifications every time I post a new column on the site.