411Mania Saturday Morning’s Main Event! 02.07.09

But that won’t stop me from doing my best to entertain you fine people and present the best Saturday wrestling news column on the Internet! Is there competition for that?

Some News!

Kelly Kelly recently stated in a radio interview that there was no chance of WWE bringing back bra and panties matches due to their PG rating. You know, between the lack of bra and panties matches and having to work with Michael Cole…why does Jerry Lawler still work for WWE? I mean, bra & panty matches were always his favorite part of Raw, and I can’t imagine anybody would enjoy having to listen to Cole talk about controlled frenzies and ultimate opportunists for two hours. Me, I tuned out the guy a long time ago. Lansdell will ask me if Cole just said something totally ridiculous and my response is “I have no idea” because I just don’t listen to him or Lawler anymore. I’ve had the same thing going with Mike Tenay & Don West for the last couple of years or so for reasons that you can figure out after watching Impact for five minutes. JR & Tazz I can stand, and Grisham & Striker aren’t too bad but might be a tad overrated due to their lackluster competition.

Since WWE has gone in a more PG direction with their Divas, I think TNA needs to take advantage of this and start using the Knockouts in more risque situations. The most popular babyface in the division plays the character of a drunken slut, so it’s not like they’re portrayed as being all that classy to begin with. TNA could appeal to virginal pre-teens too young to watch porn and horny old geezers too poor to pay for it by showcasing the Knockouts in bra and panty matches, along with the occasional mud/pudding/gravy match. And most importantly, there’s a chance we can get Traci Brooks back on television…covered in pudding. Who can’t get behind that?

(I remember a time when I ranted on this very website about how women’s wrestling deserved more respect. Now I’m advocating bra and panty matches. Something has drastically changed here…I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.)

While I’m thinking about it, here’s a question…if WWE really wants their shows to be for the little kids, why does Raw end past 11 PM on a Monday night? I don’t know about you guys, but I wasn’t staying up past 11 on a school night until I was a teenager. And everybody knows that teenagers don’t want to watch things that are supposed to be for kids. That’s why the whole Attitude thing came along at the right time for me…I was a 13-14 year old kid who was all about telling people to suck it and seeing hot chicks in very little clothing. That’s what kids at that age are into. I’m not against marketing towards younger kids and getting away from some of the things that made wrestling popular once upon a time, but can’t we send them to bed at a reasonable hour?

Good God, I sound like I’m 90 years old.

And speaking of women, the news was so slow this week that multiple news reporters talked about Candice Michelle being fat. See, I didn’t notice the fat thing because I was too busy making fun of her wardrobe Monday night. And what disturbs me the most about the picture used for Meehan’s column yesterday isn’t any cellulite…

Has Candice grown two extra arms? See, that’s much more of a turnoff to me than a couple extra pounds in the belly. Maybe some of you guys are into the whole “mutant” thing, but it doesn’t really do anything for me. OK, Jean Grey was smokin back when I read X-Men. But I don’t mind a girl with a little extra padding. I emphasize “a little”. Not too skinny, not too fat. I used to be really into skinny girls until I was with one, and then I realized how annoying it could be when some bony chick…you know, this is a Saturday morning column and I better stop before things get to “TV 14” levels.

AC/DC will not be appearing at WrestleMania due to a European tour. Apparently the confusion was due to the fact that Linda McMahon said that they would be providing WrestleMania 25 with theme music, which led some to believe that they would be performing the theme music at the show. So what passes for journalism on the Internet is people misunderstanding what somebody says and not bothering to ask for a clarification. I don’t know why I’m surprised by the stupidity involved in this, honestly. Couldn’t somebody who reported this have taken a minute to look at the AC/DC website and see that on the night before WM they’ll be in Bilbao, Spain? Good God. And before somebody goes “Yeah, well they could still fly to America and do the show”, if you look at their tour dates you’ll notice that there’s a day off between each show. Let’s face it, these guys aren’t exactly spring chickens…they need their rest. So there will be an AC/DC song playing the whole night, but they won’t be there. Frankly, I think the show will be fine without them.

I’m just glad I wasn’t dumb enough to put the news in my column like this guy was.

Ric Flair will be returning to Raw on Monday, but will likely not be heading to TNA anytime soon. TNA has made offers to the Nature Boy, but Flair was overheard saying “The last time Russo booked me he literally buried me in a desert…what’s next, is he gonna tie me up and make me watch Kurt Angle & Rhaka Khan?”. I’m not exactly sure what he meant by that, but it couldn’t have been good.

Speaking of Flair, I’ve noticed that a lot of people aren’t very happy that he might end up wrestling Chris Jericho at WM 25. Of course, nothing’s set in stone, but it seems to be one of the possibilities out there. To the people who are all hot and bothered about this, I ask you one thing…why? Let’s face it, every wrestler comes back from their retirement. Why should Ric Flair be different from everybody else? If he wants to wrestle and cash a big paycheck, why shouldn’t he? I know WrestleMania 24 was such a special moment and blah blah blah, but we should all be used to seeing our favorite wrestlers come out of retirement. Hell, my favorite wrestler growing up was Mick Foley, and his first retirement lasted a month. Flair will probably wrestle again someday. Deal with it.

Remember Scotty Goldman? He’s currently working in FCW as a backstage interviewer because even though he’s considered to be the most ready for WWE wrestler in the developmental league, WWE writers have already typecast him as a jobber because he just doesn’t look like a TV star. Not looking like a TV star never held former Royal Rumble participant Drew Carey back, right? I would suggest that he grow a beard (hey, it worked for Mike Knox), but he tried to grow one in ROH a couple of years ago, and several months later it still looked like he just forgot to shave in the morning. So I’m not sure what Scotty should do.

Several independent wrestling promoters were trying to call Bob Holly after he got fired by WWE, but they had difficulty because nobody in WWE knew his phone number. To be fair, Holly doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d spend all day yapping on his cell phone. Or as the kind of guy who would even own a cell phone.

Kane is reportedly keeping a political blog at AdventuresOfCitizenX.com. He’s been doing it for awhile, but apparently nobody made the connection until this week. I wonder if Kane would be allowed to do an interview with 411 Politics, or if that part of the site is also outlawed by WWE.

Trish Stratus has been talking about coming back for a WrestleMania 25 match, possibly with Beth Phoenix. This is reportedly not in WWE’s plans, but it probably should be. I mean, what other Diva match is going to draw more attention than Phoenix vs. Stratus? No, Eve’s boobs is not an acceptable answer.

Paul London is returning to wrestling, with his first scheduled appearance being set for February 21 with Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. Obviously somebody at PWG read the Buy or Sell where I said they were going to go out of business, and they want to prove me wrong.

Eric Bischoff says he’s in talks to start a new wrestling promotion. What Bischoff isn’t telling us is that these talks take place after midnight down at his local watering hole when he’s had a few too many and all the bartenders have rejected his advances.

Feedback!

Let’s open with an e-mail from long-time reader Smitty!

“Fuck Csonka, I’ll buy the bourbon.”

Sounds good to me! You know, it sure is easy to win Super Bowls when your team is either hopped up on steroids (1970s) or pays off the officials (2000s). I don’t know why other teams haven’t thought of these tactics…the Steeler Way is surely the only way to go.

To be fair, it’s certainly more effective than the Bengal Way, which is to let other teams beat you down and make crappy draft choices.

I know its 1:20 in the morning and I have been drinking some pops, but this is the funniest column I have read in months. The John Cena remark, imploring people to ask Sforcina about Savage and what does the “The” company sell are just great observations. Kudos to you, sir.

Posted By: SuperJeff (Guest) on January 31, 2009 at 01:27 AM

When I got a bunch of positive comments last week I knew that this week there would be nothing to write about and I’d have to half-ass it. It’s the way the world works. Hopefully next week things will actually happen.

The thought of a cold Molly Holly in some form of swimwear is appealing.

Posted By: King Nikolai (Guest) on January 31, 2009 at 07:35 AM

I was very close to saying something along those lines, but figured everybody else would take care of it for me.

A few pounds on the Gov? The Gov is no more and now I have to find something else to do with my bad hairdo.

Great column this week. Very funny stuff. Loved the Jack Swagger/Larry keyboard stuff.

Posted By: thegunisgood (Guest) on January 31, 2009 at 11:27 AM

I didn’t get the Ariana reference until the ad came up on my computer for the 250th time. It’s still not as bad as the ad with the chubby stomach that refuses to go away.

What’d Jameson ever do? I’m sure I had a similar reaction at the time. Johnny V was pretty bad, but you gotta give him a little credit for managing Brutus Beefcake to a tag team championship. That’d be kinda like leading this year’s Kentucky basketball team to a national championship. Speaking of which…

Steve, us Kentucky fans do know to graduate from college. It’s just that we’re too busy banging the cheerleaders.

Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest) on January 31, 2009 at 10:08 PM

Well, of course. Everybody knows that UK cheerleaders are among the easiest in Division I. I could have got some of that action myself, but I didn’t want to catch hoof-and-mouth disease.

Plugs!

411 has listened to the people and given you all a link to JD Dunn’s article history. I would throw a divaesque fit about how I deserve similar treatment, but that would be like LeBron James’ backup (Wally Szcerbiak) claiming he deserves more playing time.

I wonder how much CM Punk paid Rodriguez to write his column this week.

Domingo says he’s taking a few weeks off to “recharge the batteries”. We all know what he’s really doing. Bayani, I hope rehab works better for you than it did for me.

On a serious note, with Domingo gone I need a new arch-nemesis. Any suggestions?

Is it just me, or does it look like Lansdell is checking out Lance Storm’s ass in that column banner?

Olivia Munn + French Maid Outfit + Pie = Greatest 411 Article ever. This can not be disputed.

And Csonka has the Rs, now with 35% more SWAGGA.