The Thursday Steve-For-All News Report: 01.31.08

I’m not much of a Whammy fan either, to tell you the truth. But I do like me some Lingo, which comes on just before Whammy every night on GSN. Two words: Shandi Finnessey. You know what Chuck Woolery’s thinking every time he looks across the stage at Shandi…”If only I were thirty years younger, I’d make a Love Connection with her any day of the week!”

At least, that’s what I’d be thinking if I were in his shoes. I’d also have a lot more money.

Hi, I’m Steve Cook and I’m filling in for young Jeffrey Small today. He’ll be back next week, but until then you’re stuck with me for your Thursday news fix. You know, I could swear that I’ve done something like this before. Reporting wrestling news on Thursdays…it seems familiar. Hmmm.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting….

Yes, yes….

LINGO!!!!!!!

Top Story: The Champ…Is Back

STAMFORD, Conn., Jan 28, 2008 (BUSINESS WIRE) — He was supposed to be injured and out of action for as long as a year, but WWE(R) Superstar John Cena shocked the wrestling world Sunday night by entering the Royal Rumble Match at No. 30 in front of a sold-out crowd of more than 20,000 fans at Madison Square Garden. Cena won the 2008 Royal Rumble Match by tossing Triple H(R) over the top rope.

Stay tuned to Monday Night RAW at 9 PM ET/PT on USA Network to see which champion John Cena will choose to face at WrestleMania XXIV. To see a replay of John Cena’s triumphant return to the ring, call your local cable provider and order the 2008 Royal Rumble in HD only on pay-per-view.

Indeed, WWE pulled a fast one on all of us and served up some John Cena action. Not even our 411 experts saw that coming, in their Roundtable their guesses ranged from Triple H to Undertaker to Shawn Michaels to Batista to Mr. Kennedy to…CM Punk? 4 votes for the Punker? Really? I guess some of our experts were smoking some funny cigarettes that night.

Anyway, they were all wrong as West Newberry’s prodigal son shocked the world. Needless to say, reaction was varied…

John Cena? wow. Awww now all the little whiny boys are going to bitch and moan.
Seriously I was quite surprised. I didn’t expect him back so soon. – Chantelle

I can’t believe I flew all the way to NYC for the Rumble that John Cena returned
at and one. I fucking hate Cena. – Last Call

Don’t worry, Larry, I’ll say it for you. John Cena wins the Rumble. ELEVENTY
BILLION STARS!!! – 411’s Andy Clark

I nearly had a heart attack seeing that fucking monkey on steroids. I cringed
knowing that he would go out and rant for 10 minutes at the beginning of Raw.
That’s it! Raw is officially the #3 brand in the WWE. Not only because of Cena,
but Hornswoggle, Orton, Beth Phoenix, shitty story lines that are totally
predictable and of course Santino. There’s probably more but I really can’t
think because of the fury I feel, my heart pounding because of the return of
that bitch John Cena. – Mari452

I tell ya, just when you think the world knows what is going on behind the
scenes, boom, come a surprise. Well to all the people who pissed and moaned
about HHH winning the rumble, now look what we got in return…CENA! For once i
thought that vince would pick the son over “the champ”, but i see how
wrong i was. – Maurice

thats it. im selling my mania ticket.cena is horrible. he sucks so bad. anyone
want to buy my mania ticket? – Guest#1681

I still can’t believe people, even in New Smark City, still cheer for HHH and
boo Cena. It’s things like these that make me wish WWE just books shows in hick
towns. Then again they probably wouldn’t get the Snuka-Piper deal. Anyways great
PPV, the Cena surprise was great, no it was fucking awesome, especially
considering he eliminated HHH. It is one of those things that goes to show
anything can happen in pro wrestling and it’s another incentive to order those
PPVs! – Henry

i think the cena win was bull. lil bastard was never iliminated i mean i dint
want him to win but he never got out. jeff hardy match was one of the matches
i was looking forward to but was disapointed with the results, jeff has been
busting his @ss every week for nothing i guess.kinda new he was gonna lose when
i seen his face expresions. i really thought show was gonna come back to night,
it would of been better then cena. he is seriously being spoonfed by the wwe
with these tittle shots even though he held the tittle for so long last year. i
mean cena, triple h and batista have had their shot at wrestlemania why not give
someone else a shot. mysterio should of won hands down with the 2 619 but no.
seriously if tittles dont change hands soon its gonna get boring. im tired of
seeing edge come out and cheat his was for the win. him having the tittle is
getting old just like cena getting another tittle shot.this ppv was ok just
need to see alot more action – JC

Oh, John Cena. Has anybody drawn a more varied reaction from these here Internets than the leader of the Chain Gang? People either love him or hate him, there seems to be no middle ground. But, this is nothing new. Go back in time with me, if you will. To a more innocent time. July 20, 2006, to be specific. The following words come from one of my bestest friends in the world, Internet or not.

I hate John Cena.

But it’s still an ugly ass belt.

Penguin’s words still ring true today, don’t they? Whether you love him or hate him, John Cena makes you talk about him. Hell, I’m not the biggest fan in the world of his, but I respect that. The guy looks like a fish out of water when he tries to suplex somebody, but he gets one hell of a reaction. And at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

But he’s still no Steve Austin. And he’s still no Rock. Nobody can argue that…well, they could but they’d be wrong.

WWE Welcomes a Wildcat

Watch Out! Wildcat is Moving to WWE!

I always remind everyone to “live the dream”. This is my dream…and it’s time to start living! – Chris Harris

From one Northern Kentuckian to another, I wish Chris Harris nothing but luck with WWE. Usually when TNA talent goes to WWE you can make the argument that WWE won’t use them as well as TNA did…but since TNA didn’t do shit with Harris the last few months he was there, I think WWE might be able to at least equal TNA.

In a press release to stockholders today, NBC Universal stated that as the writer’s strike continues, they will start moving some of their cable shows to national TV. WWE RAW was one of the shows mentioned as possibilities to be moved to NBC. (PWInsider.com)

Sounds interesting, but word has it that the writer’s strike won’t be lasting that much longer. I would click on over to the Movie/TV Zone for the latest news on the writer strike, but last I heard it seemed like things were getting better as far as an agreement goes.

The Movie/TV Zone is your home for all things on the writer’s strike and Britney Spears. Which makes no sense to me because she was in what, one movie? Shouldn’t her freak show be in the Music Zone?

Oh, it’s there too. Never mind.

WWE started a new policy at the Royal Rumble last night where any fan taking photos or video with their cell phones are ejected from the building. Digital cameras are allowed,
but not cell phone cameras. WWE is doing this to prevent people from sending photos or video of shows over the Internet before the show ends, especially in the case of TV tapings that will air later. [PWInsider.com]

Do people really want to watch cell phone videos on the Internet? You’re really not getting the best quality there, so I don’t see the point of it. And what the hell’s wrong with taking pictures? I don’t get where WWE’s coming from here at all.

CM Punk apparently has some heat on him backstage from agents who feel that he isn’t paying attention to them and that he is having lackluster house show matches. [f4wonline.com]

Gee, CM Punk thinking he’s the shit and not paying attention to people who think otherwise? I am shocked. Shocked, I say! I won’t comment too much on this because I haven’t seen his house show matches and the last time I saw a CM Punk match was…

…..

…..

On the ECW Best of 2007 show. I had to think about that one for awhile. Tuesday is Boston Legal Night and Friday is Go To A Wrestling Show Or Go Out To The Pub Night. So I don’t catch much ECW or Smackdown. Sue me!

Paul Burchill and Katie Lea were both backstage at the Royal Rumble and RAW last night, and are expected to be at the Smackdown taping tonight as they continue to fine-tune their new characters. They will play a brother and sister combination with sexual overtones. [PWInsider.com]

It’s just like Tennessee’s state motto: “Incest is Best”

*rimshot*

I kid Tennessee, they’re good people. Seriously though, I’m in favor of anything that gets Burchill & Lea on TV. Both of these Brits deserve a shot in the big time, and I hope this works out well for them. And I’m not going to poo-poo this idea like everybody else has…because damn it, I liked Cruel Intentions.

Of course, I never bothered with Cruel Intentions 2. Or Cruel Intentions 3, for that matter. Can you believe they made three of those movies? If Sarah Michelle Gellar was in all three I’d allow it, but she was only in the first. Jeez Louise.

At the moment, there are plans to do a Ric Flair vs. Mr. Kennedy match at WrestleMania, but that might change. Shawn Michaels is pushing to wrestle Flair in what will likely be his final match at WrestleMania. (WrestlingInc.com)

I don’t blame HBK, he’s gotta get something good going for WM and right now his top prospect looks like a match with…Umaga? Snitsky? The popcorn guy? Yeah, if I was Michaels I’d be pushing for a match with Flair too, even if I ended up putting the old man over.

Hulk Hogan confirmed during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday that Hogan Knows Best is now finished and that Brooke Hogan will be getting her own reality show. The show will focus on her moving to Miami. (411wrestling.com)

No word yet on if Larry Csonka will be recapping this show or not.

The doctors told me I’d be out for 6-8 weeks at the emergency room. Then, the orthopedist said 8-12 weeks. Now, it’s at 14 weeks and the fracture is still not fully healed. I had my X-rays a week ago, and while it is healing, the rate has been slowed down. Right where the break is, my chest muscle attaches to my collarbone. Normal daily activities move this area, and the process takes more time. I also had an MRI of my shoulder and biceps muscle, and they found contusions in both. Thankfully, they are minor and will heal with time, too! The doctor has said it could be a few weeks or a month – but I don’t know what to believe when it comes to time frames. It’s very frustrating and mostly disappointing to me. I promise I will be back as soon as I can. “Faith!” I apologize to the fans who have expected me to be back already due to time frames, but believe me, I’ve tried to push the doctor to get me back. (Not even flirting works! LOL.) The bottom line is this fracture healing and coming back healthy and strong! – Candice Michelle

I would make a joke about American health care, but one of my Ask 411 readers informed me that universal health care is even worse. So all I can do is wish Candice Michelle the best in her recovery and a speedy return to the ring, where she hasn’t been so bad.

It was reported last week that Germán Figueroa, better known as former TNA wrestler Apolo, missed a court date in Puerto Rico and is now serving a 30 day sentence. Figueroa, who recently signed with WWE, is in jail for a month after missing a court hearing in Puerto Rico regarding his domestic abuse case with wife Habana. Both sides had agreed to dismiss the case. The only thing Apolo had to do was show up to court. However, Apolo missed a few court dates and his latest no-show set the judge off. He ordered him imprisoned until the next court date on February 25th. Apolo was scheduled to start in WWE’s developmental league Florida Championship Wrestling at around this time. (WrestlingInc.com)

Who the hell thought hiring Apolo was a good idea? I mean, I’m sure he was a good wrestler by Puerto Rican standards, but did nobody in WWE watch his work in TNA? By the way, this story just shows you not to commit a crime in Puerto Rico…unless you’re Jose Gonzales, then you can get away with murder.

Time for some TNA news!

As we’ve been reporting, TNA started drug testing their wrestlers at this week’s iMPACT! tapings. Wrestlers were told that they will be fined $200 if they test positive for marijuana. There is still no word what the punishment will be for performance enhancing drugs or how often they will be tested. (WrestlingInc.com)

How bout TNA establishing a punishment for pot before establishing a punishment for steroids & HGH? Yeah yeah, I know that pot is illegal, but isn’t the whole point of a wrestling drug policy to eliminate steroids and things of that nature? Apparently not if you’re TNA.

Internally SPIKE was hoping for a 0.6 rating for the Global Impact special, so when the show scored a 0.8 they were pleased. TNA was also hoping for a solid number, if only to prove to some that elements they used in that special could be used well in their regular weekly presentation. (411wrestling.com)

That was a darn good show, which is more than you can say for most of TNA’s programming these days. That being said, I don’t think you can duplicate it that easily…they can’t go to Japan every week. Well, they could, but they’d go out of business pretty quickly that way.

Going to Japan isn’t cheap, kids. Just ask Ring of Honor.

TNA is very interested in Bobby Lashley but he would rather try and make it in MMA. He called joining TNA “a last-case scenario for him”. (WrestlingInc.com)

Yikes. A last-case scenario. That can’t feel good. Personally I didn’t care all that much for Lashley and his work, so if he wants to go get his head kicked off by Mirko Cro Cop it’s fine with me.

Low Ki, who has competed in TNA as Senshi, has signed with New Japan Pro Wrestling, reports the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. He will start as a regular on the 2/2 show in Sanjyo, and will be apart of the Rise group with Prince Devitt, Minoru, Milano, Goto, and Nakamura.

You know who Low Ki should align himself with in NJPW? I’ll give you three hints…

He is Hot…

He is Spicy…

He tastes Great…

CURRY MAN~!

Come on, you know it’d rule. Speaking of Curry Man…

TNA plans to have Christopher Daniels portray the Curry Man gimmick from now on, with no plans to go back to the “Fallen Angel” character. [Credit: F4wonline.com]

I am torn here. As much as I love the Fallen Angel, Curry Man is the greatest thing ever. In a perfect world, you could have Curry Man feud with the Fallen Angel, but this is obviously not a perfect world. Call me crazy, but if we have to pick one…I’m taking Curry Man. Just saying.

The reason Shark Boy is doing the “Stone Cold” gimmick is much like the reason they started doing the “Black Machismo” gimmick. Shark Boy did the impression back stage and people loved it. They also did the gimmick many months back on TNA Today, and after some delay decided to run with it on TV. [Credit: F4wonline.com]

Stone Cold Shark Boy. For some reason I actually like it. I can’t for the life of me explain why, but it gets chuckles out of me. Maybe I’m just losing it with old age.

I haven’t seen anything officially confirm this, but some sites are reporting that Raven & TNA have parted ways. If that is the case, I guess it’s not all that surprising. If my records are correct, Raven hasn’t been on TNA programming since Turning Point. It’s a shame though…I’ve been a Raven fan since the days of Johnny Polo and it’s always tough to see one of your favorites head off into the sunset. Ah, who am I kidding, it’s pro wrestling. He’ll pop up somewhere.

Lance Hoyt was appearing on a TLC show called “The Bussey Bunch” which was a reality show about the family behind Professional Championship Wrestling, an indy promotion located in Arlington, Texas. I say “was” because the show was cancelled after one week. Ouch.

Shelley Martinez, aka Salinas had some heat with the company for not attending a house show to corner LAX. She had a commitment to do an autograph signing at a porn convention. There was a feeling of a double standard among the wrestlers, as they would never be allowed to drop a date for an autograph signing.

I did a little research on this, and it seems that Ms. Martinez has quite the porn career going for herself…

Jewel De’Nyle Makes On-Screen Return in ‘The Notorious Jewel De’Nyle & Shelly Martinez,’ Set to Street Feb. 11

“This is quite a step for porn,” Marco added. “Shelly is a high profile wrestler. I mean, she has a lot of fans outside of porn. They are going to want to see this for sure. It is another step in the direction of adult and mainstream mixing it up. And Jewel, we all know how she is — she is a crazy, sexy, fun girl that loves fetish. She had a great time filming this. So did Shelly.”

This is not the only appearance of a TNA Knockout in some questionable material this month…

TNA Knockout Velvet Sky’s picture appears on the promotional poster for a women’s wrestling pay-per-view called “Wet Wrestling: Naughty Schoolgirl Food Fight” that is scheduled to start airing next Wednesday, courtesy of iN DEMAND. The poster also features April Hunter. The event was taped sometime in 2006. Here is the official preview of the pay-per-view: “The hottest school girls you have ever seen covered in cream corn, fruit tail, and vanilla pudding? This is one show you cant miss. Only Wet Wrestling brings you real school girls forced to wrestle each other by the Board of Education! The action is so sticky, icky, and oh so dirty as the gorgeous Principal Assets takes the hottest girls from Ass Break Academy and covers them in cafeteria left overs. Wet Wrestling Naughty Schoolgirl Food Fight– where the dirty girls get even dirtier!” (WrestlingInc.com)

You know, when you have TNA Knockouts appearing in porn videos and food fights it makes it very hard for me to get on the soapbox and defend women’s wrestling from the perverts out there in TV Land. But I’m going to do it anyway because…well, that’s just what I do.

Dawn Marie is training with TNA star Jay Lethal for a fulltime return to the ring. [PWInsider.com]

Did you know that Dawn Marie is 37 years old? I guess that makes sense when you remember that she first got her name in ECW like nine years ago, but…wow, how time flies. I was a pretty big fan of hers back in the day, so I’m hoping she makes a come back somewhere.

Well, it’s time for the “train wreck” section of the news column…

Train Wreck Section of the News Column!

Sent in by Michael Weaver: TMZ has an article on Chyna about how she was on Celebrity Rehab and over the
weekend, attended a swag event but went straight for the booze.

I’m probably the last person to talk about how somebody should avoid the booze…but Chyna obviously has a problem. Dr. Drew Pinsky agrees with that analysis. Dr. Drew rules, by the way. I loved listening to Loveline back in the day with Dr. Drew & Adam Carolla. Good times. What was I talking about? Oh yeah…Chyna. Poor girl.

Believe it or not, WWE approached Britney Spears last year about doing a Rumble to Wrestlemania angle, but she was a mess, thus they ended up doing the McMahon vs. Trump storyline. (WrestlingInc.com)

Believe it or not, I had quite the crush on Britney when I was in high school. Now I just wonder who is the bigger train wreck between her and Chyna. It’s really a close call, but at the end of the day I’m going with Britney. She fell a lot further than Chyna did, and Chyna hasn’t had any kids to ruin the lives of yet. (Thank God)

The Philadelphia Daily News reports that WWE has offered Philadelphia news anchor Alycia Lane an on-camera role with the company. Lane was fired from her news anchor job after several incidents including an alleged assault of a New York City police officer last month.

I had to do a Google search on this one…apparently this is the same chick who sent pictures of herself in a bikini to NFL Network’s Rich Eisen…who happens to be married. Unfortunately for Lane, Eisen’s wife shared the e-mail account with him, and she was none too happy when she saw that e-mail. She’ll fit right in with the WWE!

I must say though, the pictures aren’t so bad. Sign this woman!

“Major” Injuries?

One of the many things that drive me crazy in this world is websites printing misleading headlines. This happened to me just the other day when I was perusing another wrestling website for news to use in this column…the title included the line “2 Major WWE Injuries”, so I figured it might be useful. Unfortunately their definition of “Major WWE Injuries” is a little bit more liberal than mine, as the two people mentioned were Kenny Dykstra & Jesse (Ray Gordy).

With all due respect to Dykstra & Gordy, both of whom have a whole lot of potential in the future, them getting hurt does not equal “Major WWE Injury”. Major would be Cena or HHH or Undertaker or Orton or HBK or Batista or Flair…not Kenny Dykstra & Ray Gordy. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have noticed them being gone if I didn’t read online about it.

Here’s an injury that I would consider Major, no matter who it happened to…

Jack Evans suffered a serious facial injury in Japan and had surgery on Friday for a broken nasal cavity, broken eye socket and broken cheekbone. (ROH Newswire)

Here’s a link to a picture of the injury to Young Jack Evans. I don’t recommend clicking it if you just had breakfast. 411Mania will accept no responsibility for damage done to your computer by vomit induced by this photograph. I love Jack Evans’ work and wish him less facial injuries like this one. Good God Almighty.

Plugs

Did you check out the newest class of the 411Wrestling Hall of Fame? If you didn’t, go check it out now! The Jerry Lawler profile was especially well done, in my humble opinion.

Csonka watched the Royal Rumble and did a 4 Rs column all about it. I love the comments for the article, as people say that Larry either overrated the show or underrated it. He truly is the John Cena of the Internet.

Prag & MSD present some Hidden Highlights.

Landsell & Byers recap some joshi.

Berman recaps a Chuck Taylor match. Yay Chucky T!

Campbell makes a rare appearance in the column section to address ROH’s apparent cost-cutting. Any column that mentions Smoky Mountain Wrestling is a good one in my book.

Westerfield seems like the kind of guy I’d get along with. I base this purely off of his opening paragraph, where he admits to being a lazy drunk. However, I will forever be disturbed after reading one of the commenters saying that he was trying to help this guy get some ass. I don’t want to know what that entails.

Wilcox addresses the John Cena situation.

Sarnecky went to the Royal Rumble and was kind enough to review it for us.

Finally, here’s some Ask 411 for ya. That man deserves a Pulitzer.

Don’t forget to check out the rest of the columns today. You get some Fact or Fiction, my arch-nemesis Domingo, and probably some other stuff too. Sorry, it’s been awhile since I worked Thursdays. I don’t recognize half these people.

Final Thought

There are few things on Earth I enjoy more than attending wrestling shows. I went to the ROH show in Dayton, Ohio last Friday night, and I’ll likely make it to the Shimmers Tavern in Ft. Wright, Kentucky for some NWF action this Saturday night. There is nothing like watching pro wrestling live and in person…I figure most of you know this, I mean, how many people would dedicate themselves to reading about pro wrestling online if they hadn’t attended a show live? I’m sure there are plenty, but I’m going to assume that most of you have been to a show or two in your life.

I have always argued that wrestling fans have the right to cheer and boo whoever they want. If fans want to cheer John Cena, that’s all right. If they want to boo him, that’s all right too. There are people on these here Internets that want fans to cheer and boo the way that the promoter wants them to, and I think those people are missing the point of pro wrestling. You don’t have to react the way the promoter wants you to. That’s part of the beauty of being at a live show.

However, if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s when the fans don’t respect the performers. Specifically, when they don’t respect the female performers.

One of the matches on the ROH card last Friday night pitted Daizee Haze against Lacey. Daizee & Lacey have faced each other many times in ROH & other promotions across the United States. Both are fine competitors that don’t need to rely on T & A to get over with a crowd. But for whatever reason, some fans out there think that’s all that girls like Daizee & Lacey are out there for.

You hear the fans yelling things like “Make out with each other!” or “Rip her top off!” or other comments that really have no place in a civilized society. Honestly, I don’t think it’s their fault. If you watched Raw Monday night you likely saw the Maria vs. Melina match. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing either of the women involved in that match. But most of the main spots in that match pandered to the type of wrestling fans that would yell things like “Make out with each other!” or “Rip her top off!”

Quite frankly, I think it’s appalling that women wrestlers have to be subjected to such things. You don’t hear ladies yelling for John Cena to make out with Randy Orton, do you? You don’t hear them yelling for Carlito to pull Cody Rhodes’ trunks down, do you? Of course not. So how come whenever two women get into the ring and want to put on a wrestling match, people feel the need to yell sexually suggestive things at them?

I know what you’re thinking…this is pretty rich coming from a guy who makes comments about women all the time in his columns. A guy who’s obsessed over Traci Brooks for years and gets his picture taken with Sara Del Rey so he can get one over on a fellow 411 writer. A guy who says he wants to move to Dublin, Ireland so Rebecca Knox can be his personal trainer. Hell, earlier in this column I made a comment about wanting to make a Love Connection with Shandi Finnessey. Who the hell am I to tell you to be respectful to woman wrestlers, right?

The difference is this: I say what I say for entertainment value in an Internet wrestling column. I don’t yell at women about how nice their breasts are. I don’t walk up to Sara Del Rey and say that I want to have her babies. I respect her far too much to even think about saying something like that. I know I’ve been talking a lot about Death Rey lately and some of you are probably growing tired of it, but she’s become one of my favorite wrestlers in recent months and not because of her looks. They don’t hurt, that’s for damn sure, but quite honestly I haven’t seen an American woman wrestle on her level in my eighteen years watching professional wrestling. That’s why I put her over all the time. I’m sure she doesn’t mind the attention from horny guys like myself, but I’m sure she appreciates it more if you respect her wrestling ability than if you try to make a lame pass at her or tell her how hot she is.

Yeah, a lot of the women out there don’t mind being treated solely as sex objects. I’ve highlighted a couple of them in this very column. They know that sex sells, and they don’t mind flaunting their bodies in pronos or weird fetish films, they don’t mind posing nude for lots and lots of money, and they don’t mind doing a broncobuster to get a cheap pop from horny males who haven’t gotten laid since the first Bush Administration.

Maybe I’m being naïve, but I don’t think all women are like that. I think they deserve your respect, the same kind of respect you give to your favorite male wrestlers. You wouldn’t yell for Ric Flair to show you his boobs, would you?

That’s what I thought.

The next time you go to a wrestling show and see a hot girl in the ring trying to show off her wrestling ability, avoid the urge to loudly compliment her breasts. She and the fans around you will be grateful.