The CookThinks Friday FreeThinks 05.29.09

After that I decided to take a brief hiatus from 411, as they’d found somebody to take the Saturday news report off my plate, and I wanted to wait and see what the new people in political power did before judging them in the Politics section. That will come someday, assuming they will have me. As for wrestling, I was running out of things to say that weren’t completely negative…and it’s not healthy to sit in front of a computer and write negative things all day. So I did other things. I’ve enjoyed my break, but now I think I’m ready to entertain you fine folks again.

As usual, I’ll be breaking from the usual format. I do this partially because I can’t do justice to how the usual authors of these columns do things, and partially because I’m too lazy to rig up all the pictures and banners. Let’s get to the news, shall we?

News!

Apparently Ric Flair wants to come back and wrestle. He has previously stated that he will not do so unless Shawn Michaels gives the A-OK, but speculation is starting to mount. He’s returned to WWE television, the Associated Press had an article on how Flair would like to wrestle again, and judging from his biceps it seems that he’s been hitting the gym. This is what I said on February 7, 2009 on the topic of Ric Flair possibly returning to active competition.

To the people who are all hot and bothered about this, I ask you one thing…why? Let’s face it, every wrestler comes back from their retirement. Why should Ric Flair be different from everybody else? If he wants to wrestle and cash a big paycheck, why shouldn’t he? I know WrestleMania 24 was such a special moment and blah blah blah, but we should all be used to seeing our favorite wrestlers come out of retirement. Hell, my favorite wrestler growing up was Mick Foley, and his first retirement lasted a month. Flair will probably wrestle again someday. Deal with it.

I can’t say I’ve changed my mind. After all, we (at least Ric & I) do live in America. Which; last I checked, was a free country. I will add one caveat, however…if Flair is to wrestle again, it should be in WWE & not ROH. It’s been sad watching Flair as the “ROH Ambassador” on HDNet…not so much because it’s ROH, because I happen to have way too many ROH DVDs, but because Flair can’t possibly give a damn while he’s in the ring reading off of index cards to book matches. It doesn’t look like he wants to be there, and considering his appearance there drew less people to the old ECW Arena than Shane Douglas did on the worst of nights, I’m not sure I can blame him. At least when he appears on Raw it looks like he gives a rat’s ass about what he’s doing.

Speaking of HDNet, the channel that serves as home to ROH & many MMA promotions has been taken off of Time Warner Cable as of May 31st. It has already been removed in places like Los Angeles, Albany and Buttcrack, Idaho. The beginning of the end was when HDNet creator Mark Cuban bitched out Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes’ mother and then apologized to her on his blog. I would say this doesn’t bode well for ROH’s ratings, but since HDNet isn’t rated by Neilsen, I have no idea what their ratings are.

I’d bet WWE wishes that USA’s viewership numbers weren’t released either after this week’s debacle. After oodles of publicity over the past week with Vince McMahon all over the place talking smack about the Denver Nuggets and wondering how they could possibly hold a basketball game at Denver’s Pepsi Center instead of his Monday Night Raw, the show only mustered a 3.2 rating, down .4 from the previous week’s rating. Nuggets vs. Lakers got a 6.9 (up 1.1 from their previous game), and in news that completely baffles me, the show “John & Kate Plus 8” drew 9.8 million viewers to The Learning Channel. Am I the only one who hasn’t been paying any attention to all that stuff? Why would I care about marital strife on a show I’ve never watched with people I’ve never heard of? I don’t know, but somebody must care about it.

Bottom line: WWE had a chance to get people to tune in and care. They didn’t. It’s just as well…as I said to Manu Bumb that evening, any new viewers who turned on Raw probably turned it off within 30 minutes. In fairness to Raw, Smackdown’s ratings are lower than ever, and that’s the show everybody on the Internet loves these days. Funny how things work like that.

Here’s something fun…FCW is holding a “Father’s Day Salute” on June 19th featuring fathers like Gerald Brisco, Mike Rotundo, Haku & Ted DiBiase appearing with their sons for an autograph session. I like the concept, but they couldn’t get Dusty & one of his sons to appear, or Jim Neidhardt with Natalya? They might also want to update their general press release format, because at the end it lists Scotty Goldman as a current Smackdown Superstar, Manu as a current Raw Superstar, and DH Smith, Primo Colon, Dolph Ziggler & Ezekiel Jackson on the wrong shows. Not to mention Jack Swagger as the ECW Champion. I think they got more stuff wrong in that section of the press release than they got right.

Former WWE writer Freddie Prinze, Jr. will be appearing on the next season of 24. Well, he can’t be any worse than Janeane Garofalo. Who thought having her on the show was a good idea, anyway? I guess being a star on a drama is the only way a liberal can get on Fox. Sorry, that joke was from a political column I didn’t write. Back to the bad wrestling jokes now…

Midway is selling the rights to the TNA video game franchise. Upon hearing this news, Suicide changed identities from Christopher Daniels to Frankie Kazarian to Big Dick Johnson. I’m sure nobody will notice the difference.

OK, that one made no sense.

TNA has a bunch of new people coming in. I don’t think any of this counts as a spoiler, but expect Shane Douglas, Raven, Elijah Burke, Shawn Spears, and Lisa Marie Victoria Varon to appear on Impact very soon, if they haven’t by the time you read this. I wonder what will happen when they run out of ex-WWE people that will want to come in. Perhaps they’ll get more ex-reality show people?

Michelle McCool reported on her WWE Universe blog that her nose was broken at the hands of Melina. Honestly, with as shoddy as the Diva work has been the last few times I’ve seen it, I’m surprised things like that don’t happen more often. Take Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly on Raw Monday night…please. Trish vs. Lita, it wasn’t. And I’m sure they’ve improved soooooooo much since they started, but that doesn’t make them good.

Speaking of Divas, you can vote for Tiffany in PETA2’s (PETA2? Do we really need another one?) “World’s Sexiest Vegetarian” contest. I’m all for people being vegetarians…that leaves more meat for me! Anywho, as I glance at the list I can’t say that Tiffany would be my choice, as sexy as she might be there are several I’d rate ahead of her…

Alicia Silverstone
Alyssa Milano
Carrie Underwood
Chelsea Clinton
Hayden Panettiere
Kristen Bell
Natalie Portman
Rachael Leigh Cook
Shania Twain
Shannon Elizabeth

So Tiffany falls just outside my top ten, though it should be pointed out that there were a lot of names on that list I didn’t recognize, and Pam Anderson circa 1994 would outrate her but not now. For the record, Ms. Cook is of no relation to your humble correspondent. And yes, I think Chelsea Clinton’s hot. What about it?

With that all being said, I don’t see myself marrying a vegetarian. I assume that not only do they not eat meat, they won’t cook it either…and that’s certainly a deal breaker.

Nigel McGuinness will be returning to active competition on June 26th for Ring of Honor, taking on Claudio Castagnoli in Part 493 of their ROH rivalry.

Apparently there are pictures of Matt Striker’s “beer can weiner” floating around on the Internet. I will not be investigating to find out if they exist or are authentic…tune in to the Wrestling News Experience on Monday for all the news you could possibly want on that topic.

And now….your Most Useless News Item of the Week!

Taken from an actual wrestling website…

Maryse is now the longest reigning WWE Divas Champion in history, having held the title for 157 days as of today. She broke Michelle McCool’s previous record of 155 days as title holder yesterday.

It should be pointed out that there have been a grand total of two Divas champions. So how in the world is this relevant?

Superstars~!

Holy crap, Cena’s on the D show? Who’d he piss off?

My hopes are up as HassBenjamin saunter out to the ring. My hopes go down as the Colons walk out. That’s not fair, Carlito has been occasionally useful. Primo, I’m not sure about. I do enjoy his indyriffic orange pants. Todd Grisham referred to the human head as a coconut…is that a racial slur? I remember seeing a good Shelton vs. Carlito match at the WWE vs. ECW show in Dayton, Ohio a few years ago. Shelton did not have blonde hair then. When did Carlito’s hair grow back? OK, Primo’s impressing me with the flippy stuff. Decent match so far, with your typical WWE tag formula, but I hate matches with commercials in the middle of them.

John Cena vs. Big Show in a submission match is like the Iron Sheik in a Crackpipe on a Pole match.

Shelton continues the perfectly acceptable wrestling, which is not what fans want to see according to the Raw quarter hour numbers. ARM-bar. Why don’t they do the restholds during the commercial break? And why is Cryme Tyme coming out? I didn’t even know they were still employed. Carlito gets the hot tag and does some cool flippy stuff. Backstabber finishes it. I’m torn…it was a decent match, but Cryme Tyme walking out and distracting Hass/Benjamin so the tag champs win? I dunno man. Good ol’ “protect everybody so nobody gets over” booking.

Some band talks about their theme song for the show. One guy has funky hair. That’s all I know about them. All I know for sure is SWAGGA IS NEXT!

Did you know WWE beat Disney? Beating up cartoon characters isn’t funny. Unless it’s a Looney Tune or a Merry Melody.

Finlay vs. Swagga? If this isn’t good, I quit. Swagga kicking ass right away…he’s clubberin, Tony! Finlay almost did something offensive. Maybe he misses Hornswoggle. BEAR HUG! Did Josh Mathews just ask Matt Striker what “Hardcore rules” means? Wow, and people thought Mike Adamle didn’t know about the spirit of ECW. Everybody’s pimping Swagga as an up and coming star, and I gotta say he has a certain it factor about him in the ring. Matt Striker probably shouldn’t point out how cunning Swagga is when he takes Finlay’s shileagh right in front of the referee. Not like Swagga needed it, as he finishes off Finlay with a Doctor Bomb. Shades of fellow Sooner Steve “Dr. Death” Williams! Do they point that out often? They should.

The best part about the WWE/Nuggets news clips is COACH~! Being the first talking head to appear. Everything else about it sucks.

Yay, an inside look at the Viper, Randy Orton! That means I can work on the rest of the column. By the way….y’all see that advertisement for the “Golden Secret Diet” on the main page sometimes? I refuse to believe that’s a legitimate before and after picture. There’s no way that chick became that chick. Far be it for me to question our sponsors…but at least make it look legitimate, man.

John Cena runs down to the ring like a bat out of hell. So of course that’s a perfect time to go to a commercial. I thought that Priceless song was good before they changed it 55 times. Now it’s unlistenable. DiBiase actually gets some offense…for a minute. It’s funny how the fans chant Cena’s name and boo him at the same time. They need to make up their damn minds. Wow, Teddy actually got out of the F-U! He throws Cena into the steps, and then we get another commercial. How can Michael Cole say DiBiase is hooking the tights when Cena wears jean shorts? Nice flying clothesline by DiBiase. In this match, Cena ripped off moves from Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn. I’m just saying. Cena puts on the STFU and DiBiase taps in a millisecond. Nice little match that made DiBiase look good…doesn’t Cena know that top guys aren’t supposed to make those guys look good? He needs to retake Triple H’s Wrestling As a Top Guy 101 class.

Impact~!

Sacrifice clips! This sounded like a total and utter clusterfuck, which means it was a normal TNA show.

Amazing Red walks down to the ring and I had no idea who he was until Dave Penzer said so. I still immensely dislike the Suicide gimmick, so I probably will ignore this match and work on the rest of the column. It sounds like a good match in the background, but like many things in TNA, the sheer idiocy in part of the presentation makes me not want to care. And Suicide won, much to my chagrin.

Here comes the Main Event Mafia! I love their music, what can I say? Sting is the leader now, and he’s bringing some changes. He actually tries to make sense and do logical things, like banning the women from the Mafia because they cause all sorts of problems. He also gets rid of Kurt Angle’s security guards, which also makes sense because their food costs gotta cut into the budget. Samoa Joe comes out and talks about his Nation of Violence. Apparently somebody ordered him to take them out and kill Kurt. Larry informs me that it’s Dr. Stevie. Makes sense.

Mick Foley talks. I remember when I used to listen.

The British Invasion sounds British. Hey, a Doug Williams match tonight! Cool beans. Lauren talks to the Survivor chick, and then Sharmell attacks her. That was almost kinda hot.

Dr. Stevie confronts Lauren backstage. Why doesn’t Lauren take him seriously as a therapist? I was excited about this Doug Williams match until Cody Deaner walked out. Now, I get back to writing the rest of my column. Apparently Deaner just got murderized.

Dr. Stevie is going to treat Abyss in the ring. I enjoy his graphic, which informs us that he is a professional therapist. What did they bleep after he said “addiction”? And why is Abyss chokeslamming his therapist into thumbtacks anyway? He deserves the rough treatment he’s getting here. I’m sure therapists make their patients wear straitjackets all the time. They also use kendo sticks on their patients, right? Lauren comes down to meddle (as most women do), and here comes Raven! And of course he sides with Dr. Stevie and whacks Abyss with the kendo stick. Raven & Stevie are only trying to help Abyss, by cracky. I approve of friends getting back together…seeing them hug brought a tear to my eye.

Raven might not be able to wrestle anymore, but he can still talk.

Hey, it’s Angelina Love! I wonder if that one guy will comment on her having a “man face” again. Nice to see all the Beautiful People again, and Sojo Bolt is wearing a lot of gold. Something tells me she won’t be adding to the collection tonight. Maybe she should hang out with the Gold Standard Shelton Benjamin. Hairspray and a finishing move end the match. Not long enough to offend. I hope Angelina’s promo isn’t as long. At least she fired Cute Kip so he can get off my TV. But then she makes the mistake of saying she wants new hos to throw around, and here comes Victoria, who started her career as a ho. Bad move. Sforcina just wet himself.

Lethal Consequences & the MCMGs want to know who Suicide is. Don’t they have a computer? Mick Foley comes out and says “Bang Ban-ow, my hip.” OK, he didn’t say that. Instead he books Joe vs. Nash for next week so some people might actually see it. Don’t they usually have more people in Lethal Lockdowns? Foley claims he is going to remain champion for years, so he won’t defend the title very often. Once a year, in fact. He thinks he’s Chuck Liddell or something.

Backstage, AJ & Daniels talk and then Joe apologizes to them for looking like an idiot and not having a good match in two years. OK, he didn’t actually say that. By the way, did you know that Jeremy Borash turned 35 this week? He doesn’t look a day over 12.

Eric Young takes on Jeff Jarrett and the winner gets in the King of the Mountain match. Gee, I wonder who wins this one. Young looks pretty good so far, reminding me that he can actually work and it’s too bad that he’s completely and utterly stale. Wow, Young gets his foot on the rope after the Stroke. But, he still loses after a rollup. Nice little match.

Young offers to shake hands…and they actually do! You don’t see that every day. Well, of course Young attacked JJ’s leg afterwards. Elbow drop off the top on the leg! Maybe this is what Young needs, because he’s almost interesting now.

Team 3D is in the ring to present Beer Money Inc. with trophies. Oh, hold on a second…

BEER!

MONEY!

3D congratulate Beer Money and say that everybody is proud of them. They get a big novelty check, which is always fun. Oh, and they get a tag title shot too. 3D brings in the beer…and wait a minute, nobody attacked anybody? What the hell? Wrestling trophy presentations always have shenanigans. TNA CROSSES THE LINE!

AJ Styles gets his music performed live tonight. Interesting. He’s facing Daniels, which is always awesome. Except during the commercials. Can you tell this is a pet peeve of mine? Ah, how I missed this Daniels character with his fancy moves and such. Yay AJ flying forearm! Blue Thunder by Daniels! I’m not sure I’d say it’s awesome like the TNA crowd does, but it’s great to see these guys face each other again. AJ reverses the Angel’s Wings into a funky sunset flip for the victory! Good times. They embrace and don’t attack each other. Instead, Shane Douglas comes in and attacks Daniels after AJ leaves the ring? At least, I think that’s him. That’s what Evil Don West and the Internet tells me. Hmmm.

Well, it was an interesting night of wrestling. Nothing really blew me away, but you had some interesting returns on TNA, some perfectly acceptable wrestling on Superstars, and no Vince McMahon ego trips (only in clip form). I’d still say AAA is the best wrestling show I saw this week, but these both rank ahead of Raw.

Plugs

Eubanks begins his list of favorite tag teams. I wonder where Ace & Gary will rank.

Fact or Fiction featured Ari Berenstein warming up for his whooping in Buy or Sell at the hands of moi.

I have a feeling that Chambers’ columns would make more sense if I read them more often. Maybe.

Lansdell writes about the State of ROH.

Csonka still does the Rs. Well, some of them.

Finally, your AJ Grey article of the week. What can I say, I love girls with big breasts and a pasty complexion.

And on that classy note, it’s time to wrap things up! John Meehan will be back next week, and you never know when or where I’ll pop up. Until then, true believers!