Friendly Competition 1.13.07

Welcome one and all back to Bobby Lashley’s favorite internet wrestling column, Freindly Competition! I’m your host, master of ceremonies, and the only person on the planet who knows what the Scroll Lock key is for…Stuart “F’N” Carapola! OH, HERRO!! Boy oh boy, are we gonna have BIG FUN today, huh kids?

ECW On Sci-Fi Results 1/9/2007

-Hardcore Holly pins CM Punk clean in like six minutes. Yeah, by the way Punk, Paul Heyman doesn’t work here anymore. Welcome to job duty.

-Test decides he doesn’t want to wrestle tonight because he’s beaten RVD a bunch of times. Well, refusing to wrestle is a good way to keep your spot.

-Elijah Burke is in the ring by himself because he’s so confident in himself, he doesn’t need Terkay out there with him. He challenges anyone to come out and fight him, and Sandman comes down to the ring. Burke takes a shot at him, but Sandman canes him in the face and Burke hightails it to the back.

-Great Khali defeated Tommy Dreamer in an Extreme Rules match after punching a street sign into Dreamer’s face and then giving him his only move for the win. Dreamer gets back to his feet afterward, and apparently that’s some kind of victory since Khali’s on his way to Raw for his big push there.

-Rob Van Dam says people don’t think he cares about anything, but he cares about the ECW Title, and even though he respects Bobby Lashley, he’s taking that title tonight. WATCH OUT BOBBY!!

-Kevin Thorn (w/ hot schoolgirl Ariel) squashes Shannon Moore and beats him with Nigel McGuinness’s finisher, except he calls it the Dark Eyes Of Bobby or something gay like that.

-We get a video designed to warn us that Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly is coming back next week. Well, that’s good to know. I’ll make sure to load up on antacids before 10pm next Tuesday. Say, that reminds me, where’s Mike Knox been these last few weeks since kicking her to the curb?

-ECW World Champion “Greenhorn” Bobby Lashley and Rob Van Dam go to a no contest or something when Test runs in and hits them both with a steel chair and then walks off. Come on, you knew that Van Dam wasn’t really getting the title, didn’t you?

TNA Impact Results 1/11/2007

-Jim Cornette summons Kurt Angle to his office and tells Kurt that after letting he and Joe go at it for weeks, he’s arranged for Joe to be nowhere near the ring and tells Kurt to come to the ring when he calls him. Kurt asks why he would do that for him, and Cornette says to do it ofr the guy who has a say as to who gets a shot at the NWA Title. He’s got Kurt there!

-Kurt Angle squashes Matt Bentley. Well, that was certainly a lot easier than the matches he had against cousin Shawn, wasn’t it?

-Team 3D is in a tank and they want LAX because they are the enemy and they are a disgrace to everything and everyone. Yes, LAX is much more disgraceful than a couple of fat, generic brawlers who somehow got pushed to eighteen or whatever tag team titles through being a one-dimensional gimmick team.

-During the commercial, Raven comes out to the ring for a little S&M with Matt Bentley.

-Joe stayed in the back for Angle’s match, but his match is over and now Joe is going to cripple Angle at Final Solution. There’s 50 minutes left in the show and Angle better be looking over his shoulder for every one of them.

-AJ Styles, Chris Sabin & James Storm defeated Christopher Daniels, Rhino & Petey Williams when AJ Styles faked a knee injury off that flipping Scorpion Deathdrop move he always misses, and used Daniels’ brief hesitation as the opportunity to kick Daniels in the nuts and small package him for the win.

-Jim Mitchell is doing an interview without Abyss for the first time in 18 months because he has no idea where Abyss is. He says that unless Abyss proves his loyalty to him, he’s going to have to reveal his secret.

-In this week’s PCS, they play Extreme Strip Poker…I mean, high card, or whatever it is they did. Austin Starr and Alex Shelley are tied for first now, and this means that they will now face each other in a ten minute time limit match at Final Solution, and if they go to the time limit, the JUDGES will have to decide the winner. (wink wink)

-Chris Harris interview, and he says that he’s at risk for losing his vision and doesn’t know if he’ll be able to return to the ring. He can’t believe that Storm did this because they were as close as brothers. He didn’t want AMW to end like this.

-Meanwhile, back in the Impact Zone, Team 3D attacked Konnan and took him out, just in time for him to go to the hospital for kidney surgery. Wow, talk about perfect timing.

-Borash and Eric Young have a nice little moment where they talk about various forms of contraception, but are interrupted by Team 3D, who interrupt and say that they’re coming with guns blazing and bazookas firing…oh yeah, and tables breaking. Can’t forget the tables. Taking away Team 3D’s tables would be like taking away Sandman’s music…oh, wait. Nevermind.

-VKM is heading to the Alamo to fight Shawn Michaels. They search the whole place and sat on cacti, but no Shawn…I mean, Michael Hickenbottom, so they declare victory. Hm, that doesn’t sound like a very decisive victory to me. They’ll see us on Sunday. I can’t wait.

-Jim Cornette puts Christian Cage in…a cage. Huh huh. Well, actually, Kurt Angle comes out and looks at Christian like he stole his painkillers, and Christian gets so scared that he runs into the cage and locks it behind him.

-Abyss came out to the ring without Jim Mitchell for his match against Tomko. Angle was guarding the cage as asked, but Joe came out and they started brawling again. Angle drops the key, Christian grabs it and lets himself out, and runs into the ring for a 2-on-1 attack on Abyss while Joe and Angle continue to brawl in the crowd. The lights go out and when they come back up, Sting beats the shit out of Tomko with his bat and Christian runs. After the match, Abyss raises Sting’s hand…but then gives him the Shock Treatment and has a touching moment with Jim Mitchell.

Overall Top Ten Ranking

As voted by me. This ranking includes wrestlers from both groups and is entirely subjective.

ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley (Champion Since 12/3/2006)
NWA World Champion: Abyss (Champion Since 11/19/2006)

1)Samoa Joe
2)Kurt Angle
3)Christian Cage
4)Hardcore Holly
5)AJ Styles
6)Christopher Daniels
7)Rhino
8)CM Punk
9)Great Khali
10)Kevin Thorn

Dickhead Of The Week: Bobby Lashley

I’m at the point now where it goes beyond just busting on the guy for his poor promo skills and ineptitude in the ring. The guy is starting to be just sad to watch on TV every week. I thought he was bad before, but when he actually, repeatedly stumbled and FELL DOWN when attempting to do moves on ECW this week, I didn’t know what else to do except shake my head. Now listen, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that Bobby Lashley is a really nice guy, and I really am just poking fun at him when I make fun of his lithp and I really don’t mean anything by it, but for crissakes, if your World Champion can’t do more than a couple of basic moves and can’t even stay upright when he’s supposed to all the way through a seven minute match, I think it’s time for the guy to go back to the minors for a little seasoning.

ECW News

The Great Khali’s move to Raw was a last-minute decision made in light of the injury to Triple H at the PPV.

See folks, this is why it’s good to have Triple H around, because stuff like this happens when he’s gone. Are we seriously going to see John Cena vs The Great Khali for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania? It sounds ludicrous, but what else is there? Oh well, at least now we won’t have a big, talentless lug stinking up ECW main events anytime soon.

Gene Snitsky is expected to change his look and move to ECW and get the push that was planned for Khali.

Well, so much for my theory.

Paul Heyman has been pulled from the upcoming ECW action figure series.

This is a major blow to action figure enthusiasts who were looking to book Paul Heyman into highly entertaining, ***** matches against CM Punk, but it looks like all those plans are off. However, I would highly recommend booking the Shane McMahon action figure in Heyman’s place, he’s really been getting over with your stuffed animals lately, it might be worth taking a chance on him.

TNA News

Everything’s quiet on the TNA front leading into the PPV, but I’m sure there’ll be a lot of news coming out of Final Solution, especially as we look at what’s next for Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, and the three guys in the NWA Title Match. Speaking of which…

Final Resolution Control Center

This week we put the final touches on this year’s Final Solution PPV. In fact, let’s try something fun this time around. What I’d like you readers to do is send in your predictions for the show, and I’ll print whatever I get in next week’s column. Now, I’m not just looking for who you think will win, but a little reasoning behind it, sort of like the regular 411 PPV Roundtables. And of course it goes without saying that the predictions will only be valid until the start of the PPV. Next week I’ll print what I get and we can examine how the predictions worked out in hindsight. This will be fun!

Okay, with that out of the way, let’s run down the final card:

30-Minute Ironman Match: Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle

I’m pretty sure that this is going to close the show, and it should. I fully expect this to be their last meeting for several months, although like I said, I do expect them to hook up again down the line. Who’s going over? I guess it depends on who ends up with the NWA Title, but I have a feeling Angle’s winning here and he’s going to go on and win the NWA Title, and then that return to the Joe-Angle feud down the line will be for the NWA Title and the title win will be Joe’s big revenge win as well.

NWA World Title Elimination Match: NWA World Champion Abyss vs Sting vs Christian Cage

I honestly have no idea who’s coming out of this one with the title. Whoever it is will probably be looking at the winner of Joe-Angle as their next opponent, so depending on which goes on first, the winner will give us a better idea of who is going to win the other. Left to its own devices, I’d expect Christian to go over because he’s being booked much stronger than either of the others and it would do well to build Abyss as a sympathetic babyface, but I really can’t say going into this one.

NWA World Tag Team Title Match: Champions LAX vs Team 3D

Man, I hope they don’t put the title on Team 3D. Yeah, I think they’re overrated and all, but I think it would be a big hit to LAX to have them job to 3D at this point. They should be going over 3D to build them up at this point, not doing jobs to the old guard.

Three-Way X-Division Title Match: Champion Christopher Daniels vs Chris Sabin vs Jerry Lynn

This is certainly going to be an awesome match, I don’t think anybody’s expecting anything else. What I’m mostly interested in seeing is how Jerry Lynn’s going to do in there and if he has any ring rust. He’s been working the odd house show from what I hear, but unless I’m forgetting something, this is his first time wrestling on TV in over a year. I really hope this transitions to a Daniels vs Lynn series, because I think they’re two of the best workers around and would sell my mother’s liquor to buy a show for that match alone.

Last Man Standing: AJ Styles vs Rhino

AJ has been a great chickenshit heel with his hit-and-run attacks against Rhino over the last six weeks or so. You know me, I love watching AJ get his ass handed to him, especially if it’s by a stiff motherfucker like Rhino, but for some reason I get the feeling AJ is going to cheat to win.

PCS Finals, 10 Minute Time Limit: Austin Starr vs Alex Shelley

I’ve seen these guys put on a couple of really fucking awesome matches in ROH, and although I’m looking forward to seeing them hook up again, I don’t know if it’ll be as good as their past matches since they have to cram it into ten minutes. I have a funny feeling this match is going to go to the judges.

Petey Williams vs James Storm

I don’t think anybody looks at this as anything other than Storm killing time until the return of Chris Harris. Storm goes over easy like my eggs.

Vital Social Issues N’ Stuff With Stuart

-What, no promo time for Bobby Lathley thith week? That’th too bad, becauth I wath weawwy wooking fowwawd to heawing him cut anothew one of hith exthellent pwomoth.

-When I was doing amateur wrestling in high school, a six minute match could be a really grueling thing to go through. Apparently this also rings true in the pros, because that’s all it took for uber-jobber Hardcore Holly to beat CM Punk. Remember how happy we all were when we found out that Punk would be okay on TV since he was being booked by Heyman? Well, the wind seems to have changed direction.

-I don’t know what’s worse, watching Jeremy Borash and Eric Young talk about birth control, or the prospect of Team 3D getting the NWA Tag Team Title. Please, for the love of all that is Russo, please do not let Team 3D get the title this weekend. Please please please.

-You know, I haven’t been as hard on VKM as other people have been, and I’ve actually enjoyed what they’ve been doing. This week, though, it got a little lame. “Oh, he didn’t show up? THEN WE WIN!” That kind of killed it for me this week. Maybe they should stick to razzing people at WWE shows instead.

The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles

In my personal homage to Kenny from South Park, in this section I will execute my least favorite currently active wrestler, AJ Styles, on a weekly basis. As my way of giving back to the man, Mr Styles can be assured that, if he does nothing else in a given week, he has guaranteed column space here.

Well, actually, not this week. See, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, I was going to take that racist, redneck Southerner AJ Styles, strap him to a chair, and force him to listen to Bobby Lashley promos until his head exploded, but even that was too much for AJ, and he burst out of the ropes and took off before I could kill him. Bummer. However, you will be reassured to know that as he ran, he stepped in a bear trap, and while he was struggling to get out, he fell in a lake. He tried to pull himself out by grabbing onto a fence, but the fence was electrified, and it ended up frying poor AJ. However, Bobby Lashley found him and, since we know for a fact that all black people love fried food, he ate AJ. Said he would have been better with some BBQ sauce, though. Well, better luck next week.

If you have any suggestions for fun ways to execute AJ Styles, please send them along to [email protected].

Links To Stuff You Can Read

Michael Bauer (not to be confused with Jay Bower or Jimmy Bower) comes at us with this week’s ECW On Sci-Fi Report, and he’s BLOGGING!! Also, JD Dunn gives us a reasonably positive ECW eXperience.

The Big Boss Man (no, not that Big Boss Man, I mean Csonka) comes at us with the TNA Impact Report, and then Byers gives us his always-excellent Impact Crater.

JP and JT give us our weekly dose of Hidden Highlights.

Julian Williams gives us his picks for the Worst Gimmicks in this week’s The Top Ten. I bet he’s getting plenty of email from that one.

Daniel Wilcox brings us back to Great American Bash 2004 and the Eddy vs JBL Bullrope Match in this week’s Schmozzes & Screwjobs.

Samuel Berman has the second part of his look back at the Delirious vs Matt Sydal rivalry in The Independent Mid-Card.

Nick Marsico and Michael Weyer go head-to-head in a very interesting week of Fact Or Fiction.

Zac Calhoun tells us what his girlfriend at work got him and about Greenhorn in The Ripple Effect.

We’ve got a double shot of Wrestling’s 3R’s this week, with The Regular Edition, and The PPV Edition.

Finally, I take a look at the harsh treatment we give WWE Creative and Hulk Hogan in this week’s That Was Then.

Also later today, my fellow Weekend Warriors Ari Berenstein and Jordan Linkous come back at us with Column Of Honor and WWE vs TNA, respectively.

What Did We Learn This Week?

In all things, there is at least one lesson to be learned. Here I will impart upon you what I took away from each week in ECW and TNA. You are encouraged to send in your own life lessons learned from such men as Kevin Thorn and Sonjay Dutt.

This week on ECW On Sci-Fi, I learned that…

-If you have beaten a lot of people, you can feel free to stop wrestling and just attack main eventers to get a title shot instead.

-When the booker who basically singlehandedly made you a TV star is no longer with the promotion, you can guarantee yourself a lifetime of six minute squash losses.

-ECW is now in the business of Public Service Announcements, as they did a great job of warning us about Kelly’s return next week.

This week on TNA Impact, I learned that…

-Anyone who has ever worked for WWE has easy access to tanks.

-When it’s played by men, it’s a good thing nobody actually gets naked during Extreme Strip Poker.

-If you’re ever in dire need of some surgery, don’t worry, because you’re bound to get attacked and taken out of action just in the nick of time.

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And that’s it for this week. We’ll be back next week with fallout from Final Solution, plus all the usual. As always, any feedback, suggestions for The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles, What Did We Learn This Week, or anything else can be sent to [email protected]. Until next week, this is the “F’N” one signing off.