The Wrestling News Experience: 01.28.08

Let’s get right to the action

PPV In Review – WWE Royal Rumble 2008

Larry had the live coverage of the show, and before you all even start, the $39.95 charge on my cable bill says that yes, I did watch this PPV live, so I did see the matches, and I can accurately tell you exactly what happened. Let’s see how many people call my opinions “wrong” this week.

Ric Flair defeated MVP by submission with the Figure Four Leglock

This was, arguably, the best match Flair has had since he started this whole retirement trip, probably because he was actually allowed to generate offense and didn’t win by the skin of his teeth. Sure, it’s a hit to MVP, but did anyone think he’s been portrayed as a big, strong, tough heel anyway? The guy defends his title by getting intentionally counted out, you know. Plus, he can argue for weeks about how he got the pin on Flair and was screwed by the referee.

JBL defeated Chris Jericho by disqualification when Jericho hit JBL with a chair

I can’t argue against this match finish, as Jericho got himself intentionally DQ’d for the purpose of beating the crap out of JBL and hanging him from the top rope. I sense a Bullrope Match in these men’s futures. Excellent visual spot of Jericho standing on the ECW announce table while choking JBL in the ring.

And hey, why was the ECW table even there? There was no ECW match on the card.

Oh, how did the blown bulldog look in HD? Because it was nasty in standard definition.

Edge defeated Rey Mysterio by pinfall with a mid-air Spear to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

A well-fought match with good psychology, and an inventive finish that hopefully puts Vicki back in a neckbrace for another month, just to create a running gag. I think it’s going to be great when Teddy finally wrests power back from Vicki and Edge dumps her, just to show how completely slimy he really is. Of course, we all knew Rey really didn’t have a chance to win, but at least it seemed like he did for a while.

Randy Orton defeated Jeff Hardy by pinfall with an RKO to retain the WWE Championship

Honestly, I knew deep down Hardy wasn’t going to get the belt, but that didn’t stop me from hoping. I have a small problem with the sudden and out-of-nowhere ending, but Orton really did need a clean PPV win, and since people keep reversing his finisher, he needs to show he can hit it anytime. Another good match. Hardy winning would have been a huge moment, but I can let it go for one reason…

John Cena won the Royal Rumble match

Hell. Yes.

Well, the main event of WrestleMania just sold itself, wouldn’t you say?

Secondary note: Umaga should never wear red.

Overall…you’ll have to wait for me to do the full monty in my Rumble feature to get the final ranking of this one, but I can safely say that I’m marking like a little child, so that’s got to be a good thing. At the very least, it’s really irritating my girlfriend.

What’s On Tap: WWE Raw for January 28th

Well, Randy Orton escaped the Royal Rumble with his title, but you can probably bank on the returning John Cena having the Legend Killer in his crosshairs, what with the whole “attempting to cause brain damage to Cena’s father”, and such. Plus, who’s to say that Jeff Hardy won’t still be looking to get him some of Orton?

Meanwhile, Triple H was once again denied his title shot at WrestleMania, and one would assume that he’s probably pretty pissed about it. Who will get in the path of the Game’s rage tonight?

Plus, Finlay saved Hornswoggle from certain squishing at the Rumble, getting himself thrown out of the match in the process. How will this affect the “deal” between Finlay and Mr. McMahon, or the relationship between the man and his midget?

All this, plus Santino attempting to prevent Maria from taking her clothes off (seriously, what’s wrong with that man?), and surely more action, tonight on Raw!

Around The Horn

Theoretically, the big news this week is that Bobby Lashley’s personal website seems to be reporting that Lashley has quit WWE, and will not be returning. Most of the rest of the related news of the week involves speculation about why Lashley would want to quit, mostly centering on the firing of his girlfriend, Krystal Marshall, a couple of months ago, or the possibility of Wellness violations. I almost hope it’s the second one, because Lashley really just has to ask Matt Hardy or Jerry Lawler what standing up for your girlfriend in WWE gets you. I’ll give you a hint: it involves a sex tape that doesn’t include your presence.

In interesting WWE Creative news, this past week head ECW writer Dave Lagana was fired from the Creative team. His writing duties on ECW will be taken over by Dusty Rhodes, who, if nothing else, is famous for creating inventive match types that would fit into an ECW mold, if only WWE hadn’t completely sanitized the brand at this point. Lagana was originally Paul Heyman’s underling while the former head of ECW was in charge, and was promoted to Heyman’s duties after the horrible December 2 Dismember PPV that resulted in Heyman being sent home. The real question is, how does this affect the future of up-and-coming wrestler Colin Delaney and his attempts to become an ECW Superstar?

According to TNA’s promotions department, the Elevation X match will be returning for the Destination X PPV in March. Although nothing more is known, one can expect the match will probably involve two random midcarders, not be for a title, have no effect on either’s upward mobility, and cause Don West to have three consecutive heart attacks on commentary.

It seems that Ron Killings has, in fact, signed his WWE contract and is just a physical away from returning to action. But now what will Elijah Burke use for a gimmick? Maybe he’ll turn face and be the new, (supposedly) improved Kevin Thorn’s partner.

And before I leave this segment, apparently there are plans to re-debut Paul Burchill with another new gimmick, because apparently despite Pirates of the Caribbean making half a billion dollars, Vince doesn’t think pirates sell. Anyway, the plan is to have Burchill and female wrestler Katie Lea debut as a brother/sister (hopefully of the half or step variety) team who have, shall we say, more than family love for each other. You know, Vince doesn’t know who Captain Jack Sparrow is, but he’s all gung-ho for recreating something out of an even older, less mainstream movie?

Oh man, I can hear the Ryan Phillipe defenders coming for me now.

Who’s Holding Gold

So, Jay Lethal goes down in the books as the weakest X Division champion of all time, as he didn’t even possess the belt for nearly his entire reign, and never actually managed to regain possession before losing the title to the man who’s been holding the stolen belt for this whole time. Only in TNA.

Meanwhile, ECW has a new champion, and if you had told anyone that it would be Chavo Guerrero who took the belt from Punk, you wouldn’t find anyone who would believe it, but it’s the shocking truth of the matter.

WWE

WWE Champion: Randy Orton
– 113 day reign
– defeated Triple H on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)
– Last Man Standing stipulation

World Heavyweight Champion: Edge
– 43 day reign
– defeated Batista on December 16th (Armageddon PPV)
– triple threat stipulation involving The Undertaker

**NEW** ECW World Champion: Chavo Guerrero
– 6 day reign
– defeated CM Punk on January 22nd (ECW on SciFi)

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy
– 147 day reign
– defeated Umaga on September 3rd (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: MVP
– 253 day reign
– defeated Chris Benoit on May 20th (Judgment Day PPV)
– 2/3 Falls stipulation

World Tag Team Champions: Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
– 49 day title reign
– defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on December 10th (Raw)

WWE Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
– 73 day reign
– defeated MVP and Matt Hardy on November 16th (Smackdown)

WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Title Vacant
– Previous champion Hornswoggle forced to vacate the title due to “his status as a McMahon” on September 28th (Smackdown)

WWE Women’s Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 113 day reign
– defeated Candice Michelle on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
– 95 day reign
– defeated Sting on October 25th (Impact)
– Next title defense: vs Christian Cage, Against All Odds PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles and Tomko
– 106 day reign
– defeated Team Pacman on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)
– Next title defense: vs BG James and Bob Armstrong, Against All Odds PPV

**NEW** TNA X-Division Champion: Johnny Devine
– 4 day reign
– defeated Jay Lethal on January 24th (Impact)

TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong
– 18 day reign
– defeated Gail Kim on January 10th (Impact)
– Next title defense: vs ODB, Against All Odds PPV

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 01.21.08

WWE

– Bobby Lashley, RAW, out 4-6 months as of July 23 (shoulder)
– Candice Michelle, RAW, out 4-6 weeks as of October 22nd (cracked clavicle)
– Gregory Helms, SD!, out one year as of May 17th (neck surgery)
– John Cena, RAW, out 6-12 months as of October 2 (pectoral)
– Kenny Dykstra, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 18th (knee)
– Lance Cade, RAW, out 6-8 weeks as of December 30th (separated shoulder)
– Matt Hardy, SD!, out 1-3 months as of November 20th (appendix)
– Paul London, RAW, day-to-day (foot)
– The Boogeyman, ECW, out indefinitely (calf)
– Torrie Wilson, SD!, out 2-3 weeks as of December 1st (back)

TNA

– Christopher Daniels, TNA, out indefinitely as of December 13th (kayfabe, “fired”)

Transactions

– John Cena, RAW, returned to action at the Royal Rumble

Okay, I know he was ahead of schedule, but…um…a full 3 months of the “best case” timetable? Hey, as long as he’s actually fine, you won’t hear me complaining.

– Bobby Lashley, RAW, may have asked for his release

Nobody’s saying anything outside of Lashley’s website and its oddly childish and mysterious statements, so take this with the usual salt until you read the actual release notice on WWE.com.

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Byers and Prag have the weekend news reports.

Larry has the live coverage recap of the Royal Rumble.

From the glowing box, Slimmer has Heat, Dunn and Borchardt have Smackdown, and Byers and Larry have Impact.

The Triple Threat talks the Rumble, Lashley, and CM Punk.

Linkous has Why I Love/Hate Wrestling.

Minotti has Can They Be Champ?

Short has The Navigation Log.

Rodriguez has The Caribbean Corner.

Ari has Column of Honor.

Sforcina has Evolution Schematic.

And Corke has The Seventh Dimension.

The Gab Bag

First of all, apologies to Jeff Small. I meant to plug his Small-For-All News Report last week, but wussed out on my links section due to my shoulder pain getting worse. For those who don’t read Small (shame on you), two weeks ago he named the Top Wrestling Writers on the Entire Internet…that he knew of. In a totally fair and balanced ranking system, Small named me the #2 wrestling writer, behind a totally deserving J.D. Dunn. It’s always nice to be recognized by your peers, and I will treasure this award, keeping it on the shelf next to my Great Positivity Debate and King of Fact or Fiction trophies. That’s right, we give each other trophies.

Secondly, thanks to all the sympathy from readers for my aforementioned shoulder injury. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only person who manages to hurt themselves while sleeping. You’ll all be happy to know that I’m almost back to full mobility, with only occasional twinges. I may not be as fully recovered as John Cena apparently is, but at least I’m at the point where I can write a full column again.

Senthil Jegadeesan wants to know if the Batista-Cena end to the 2005 Rumble was actually botched, since it actually proceeds fairly smoothly. Well, of course there’s no real proof, but it’s generally accepted that the finish was screwed up, due to several points.

– The “double elimination” finish has been used several times before, notably at the 1994 Rumble, and thus precedent already existed for how to handle something like this happening. In none of those cases that I can remember has the match been re-started.

– The re-started match lasted fifteen seconds and was completely anti-climactic.

– Vince hadn’t been on TV in months, and there was no reason to bring him back to render a planned decision like this.

– I’m pretty sure Meltzer said something about it being botched, and he’s pretty much the best info we have for stuff like this.

So, that’s the best I can do. Credit WWE, their commentary team, referees, and Batista and Cena for doing some quick thinking on the fly, though, to make it look deliberate.

Chris Jacobs wants to know the exact situation behind Cryme Tyme’s firing, so here we go. As far as I and the news bites know, apparently at a house show Cryme Tyme threatened Cade and Murdoch backstage that they planned to take “liberties” with the duo during their match that night. Cade and Murdoch informed the referee of their plans beforehand, and allegedly had the match finish changed to have them win. Post-match, Cryme Tyme assaulted the referee in an apparently unplanned and unscripted spot, and were fired later that day. Also, the word is that they were already on a short leash due to bad behaviour. Of course, this is mostly rumour and conjecture, but in the end, they were fired, so I guess there must be something to it.

From The Anthology – Royal Rumble 2006

So, it’s 2006, and contrary to what you might think, this Rumble, and not 2004, is actually the hardest one for me to recap. Two months earlier, Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room of a heart attack, literally the day before he was to win the World Heavyweight title. More importantly from my perspective, Eddie’s death really hit me hard, as he was one of my favourite wrestlers, and also a source of inspiration after all he’d gone through. Since this show is full of reminders of his death, reviewing it manages to bring back how I felt that horrible day back in November, and I’m not going to lie, it still hurts.

We are LIVE on DVD from Miami, with a Roman coliseum theme that resulted from commercials of the McMahon family playing Caesar. Mostly notable for Shane stabbing Vince in the back and dancing. The theme music is also what WWE decided to use for all the Rumble Anthology menus, too, which means I’m real tired of it by now. Your hosts are Joey Styles, King, Cole, and Tazz (and Hugo and Carlos), since JR was once again in contract negotiations.

Kid Kash © vs Funaki vs Jamie Noble vs Nunzio vs Paul London vs Gregory Helms – WWE Cruiserweight Championship – Texas Tornado Invitational

Helms had just turned heel and lost the Hurricane gimmick, plus was actually a Raw Superstar at this point, but qualified due to being a former Cruiserweight champion. Cole’s claims of “standing room only” are belied by the empty seats on camera. Anyway, the match is basically a lot of brawling. Eventually, everyone takes turns getting knocked out of the ring to the entryway, and London hits an SSP onto everyone on the floor. Everyone makes their way back in, and more brawling, until Noble hits a fireman’s carry gutbuster on Funaki, but gets tossed out of the ring by Helms, who hits Funaki with a Shining Wizard for the win and the title.

Backstage, Teddy offers to help Vince supervise the Rumble drawing, but Vince sends him away so he can monopolize Torrie, Victoria, and Candice. Hey, remember when Candice was nothing but useless eye candy? And remember when Victoria was a feared wrestler? Anyway, Orton draws his number, and seems pleased. Trip also enters and gets a few verbal jabs at Orton, which is odd since they’re both bad guys at this point. Trip is less impressed with his number, though.

Backstage, Mickie tells Trish she loves her. Lest we forget, at this point Mickie was a crazed lesbian stalker. Ah, those were the days.

Mickie James vs Ashley – Special Referee: Trish Stratus

I think this came about because Mickie started thinking that Trish was better friends with Ashley, who rightly pointed out that Mickie was fairly insane and got beaten down for it. Ashley also had roughly the same wrestling ability as Candice.

Ashley starts off with the advantage, which mostly consists of holding Mickie’s arm while Mickie performs flip bumps on her own. Mickie snaps and starts screaming after every move. The beatings of Ashley ensue, as Mickie looks to Trish for approval and gets nothing. Ashley regains control with the weakest looking punches in the history of the universe. Mickie powerbombs Ashley off a mounted punch attempt for the (delayed) three count, then celebrates by hugging an obviously uncomfortable Trish. An inoffensive match for the most part, but Ashley really shouldn’t have been in the ring.

Backstage, everyone shows off their tattoos to Vince (because he’s every woman’s dream, don’t you know), but Show comes in for his number and demands to show his off. I don’t even want to know. Rey comes in, and Show gives him props for dedicating his Rumble to Eddie. Rey’s number elicits chuckles, as he gives Eddie props for one last joke.

JBL vs The Boogeyman

Jillian Hall is with JBL, finally without the “mole” that she’d had since her debut, since Boogeyman ate it on Smackdown. You can’t make this stuff up where Boogeyman is involved.

This gets full play-by-play because it won’t take more than three sentences. Boogeyman spits worms on Jillian, so JBL attacks from behind and we actually start the match. They roll out, and Boogeyman starts gleefully no-selling everything at a level not seen since early Undertaker. Back in, Boogeyman ducks the Clothesline from Hell and hits a pumphandle powerslam for the win. It’s kind of odd how heavily they put over Boogeyman, as he’d also get a win over Booker T at WrestleMania, only to have him disappear due to injury a couple times.

Backstage, Shelton’s Mama irritates Vince, and Shelton promises to toss Shawn Michaels. MNM comes in to draw numbers and complain about the working conditions over on Smackdown. Well, in all fairness, she did offer to sleep with Batista.

The Royal Rumble Match

This is the first time since 1997 that the Rumble did not go on last, and also only the third time ever. Actually, since both title matches will follow this match, this is the earliest the Rumble match has ever appeared on the card. Generally, this was considered a bad idea, as it detracted from the importance of the Rumble match.

Cole and Lawler call this Rumble, both managing to show how they’ve been carried by their announce partners for the last few years. It’s almost like they were totally setting this Rumble up to fail.

Speaking of set up to fail, the Spirit Squad interrupts Lillian’s attempt to explain the rules. Man, I do not miss these guys. The crowd shits on this gimmick, which is probably why they ended up with the tag titles, because hey, when you can’t generate heel heat, X-Pac heat is almost as good.

#1 – Triple H
#2 – Rey Mysterio

Rey rides a lowrider out for his entrance, decked in Eddie gear. You have to wonder how he would have done that if he hadn’t picked #2. Oh wait, wrestling is fixed. Never mind.

Rey actually takes control to start. Rana on Trip, and Rey gets the mounted ten-punch, but Trip shoves him to the apron after nine. Rey springboards bak in, but Trip ducks 619 and clotheslines him down.

#3 – Simon Dean

Dean rides a Segway to ringside, which is a vehicle so pretentious that I just have to own one someday. Dean calls off Trip and attacks Rey, dumping him over the top to the apron, then demanding a high five from Trip. Trip clotheslines him down and Rey hits a springboard senton, then both Rey and Trip toss Dean. Rey kicks Trip in the quad a couple time and ducks a charge, sending Trip into the buckle. Bronco Buster, and Rey pauses to celebrate.

#4 – Psicosis

Psicosis goes after Rey, then hits a spinning kick on Trip. Psicosis dumps Rey into a legdrop on Trip, then catches Rey on a crossbody and hits a spinning facebuster. Razor’s Edge attempt on Rey, but he ranas Psicosis out. Trip hits a quick spinebuster on Rey.

#5 – Ric Flair

Flair goes straight after Trip, and they trade chops and punches. Backdrop on Trip, and Flair chops him down, then struts. Facebuster by Trip breaks the momentum, but Ric grabs him by the balls and chops some more. Eyepoke by Trip, so Flair eyepokes him right back, but they get too close to the ropes and Trip backdrops him out.

#6 – Big Show

Cole says Show has problems with Trip as well, which I can’t remember, but Trip pissed a lot of people off at this point in time, so I’ll go along with it. Show hits headbutts on Trip, then chops Trip down and steps on him. Headbutts on Rey, and a sidewalk slam and powerslam for Trip. Show follows up with some big elbowdrops.

#7 – Jonathon Coachman

Coach qualified over Jerry Lawler due to Spirit Squad distraction. He hits Show from behind, then begs off, which Show mocks, then powers Coach over the top. Gorilla press slam on Trip, as Show continues to destroy Trip. Chokeslam on Trip as the buzzer goes.

#8 – Lashley

They didn’t call him Bobby at this point, I guess they were afraid it didn’t sound tough enough. But then they let him talk and it didn’t matter anymore. Show and Lashley have a staredown, and Lashley reverses a chokeslam attempt, then backdrops Show…well, sort of, Show essentially flipped himself over Lashley. Show rolls out of the ring under the ropes, and Lashley knocks Trip and Rey down.

#9 – Kane

Kane and Lashley trades punches, and Lashley fights off a shoulderblock, but gets booted down. Lashley hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex on Kane, then press slams Trip. Dominator on Kane, and Lashley wanders around celebrating rather than toss anyone.

#10 – Sylvan

Sylvan directs Lashley to actually throw people out, which isn’t the worst idea, then attacks him from behind. Lashley tosses Sylvan easily, but turns around into a double chokeslam from Show and Kane, and they toss him. Show and Kane stand off, and Kane goes on the attack. Show headbutts to come back, but gets booted on a charge. Kane chokes Show in the ropes, but Show returns the favour, and Trip wanders by and dumps them both.

#11 – Carlito

Carlito puts the boots to Rey and Trip. Rey and Carlito do a reversal sequence that ends with Carlito hitting a Backstabber. Trip eyepokes Carlito, but puts his head down on a charge and gets kicked.

#12 – Chris Benoit

Benoit has chops for everyone, and a release German for everyone as well. Carlito lands on his feet, though, but Chris just takes him down in a Crossface. Trip breaks that up, and whips Benoit into the Bret bump into the turnbuckles. Benoit ends up on the apron, fighting for a suplex on Trip, but Trip sets him up top in the end. Benoit headbutts Trip a few times, then hits a Flying Headbutt.

#13 – Booker T

Booker and Benoit fight, reliving their recent Best of Seven series where Booker got injured, resulting in Randy Orton wrestling most of the series in his place. Anyway, Benoit dumps Booker quickly, suggesting that Booker was actually still fairly injured at the time. That might explain why Booker was wearing full-length tights, too, something I don’t ever remember him doing before.

#14 – Joey Mercury

Mercury dropkicks Carlito then spears him in the corner. Benoit hitsa German and holds on, but Mercury grabs the ropes to block and hits a falling neckbreaker on Benoit. Carlito hits a big chop on Mercury while Benoit and Trip try to toss each other.

#15 – Tatanka

This would be Tatanka’s full-time return to WWE, which I don’t believe lasted very long. He also has chops for everyone, including a double chop for Trip and Carlito. Everyone in the crowd starts doing the Atlanta Brave/Florida State “Chop” chant, which I loved to mock back in 1992 when the Jays were playing the Braves in the Series. Damn, I’m old.

#16 – Johnny Nitro

Nitro runs into a Tatanka backdrop, and Tatanka takes down both members of MNM. Seriously, what was wrong with the name “Johnny Nitro”, anyway? Was it just because it wasn’t a thinly veiled parody that it had to change? Everyone pairs off, but nobody goes out.

#17 – Trevor Murdoch

Murdoch is possibly the whitest person in history, and this is coming from someone who used to claim that title. Trip throws Rey over the top, but Rey grabs the ropes and pulls himself back in.

#18 – Eugene

Eugene was returning from his drug suspension and offers to shake Murdoch’s hand. Murdoch punches him instead, and we go right into the Hogan imitation. Airplane Spin on Murdoch, and Rey hits a double bulldog on Trevor and a dizzy Eugene.

#19 – Road Warrior Animal

Animal powerslams Trip and peels off to punch some people. Not a lot happening, just random punching, despite Cole’s level of excitement on commentary.

#20 – RVD

This is RVD’s return from the knee injury that kept him out of ECW One Night Stand, and he kicks down Trip a couple times, the kicks Animal in the jaw, but not out. Stepover toe kick on Benoit, and a double front dropkick on MNM. RVD points to himself, then backdrops Animal out.

#21 – Orlando Jordan

Jordan was, I believe, coming off a series of 30-second defeats against Chris Benoit, once they pretty much gave up on him. Top rope single leg dropkick from RVD on Carlito, while Trip shakes Eugene’s hand, then kicks him low. You’d think Eugene would have learned by now, but then, it’s Eugene.

#22 – Chavo Guerrero

This was the official end of the Kerwin White gimmick, as Chavo returned to being himself. Chavo is a house of fire, including an Alley Oop suplex on Rey and a rana on Carlito. Triple suplexes on Mercury and Chavo goes up top, but Trip pushes him off the top rope to the floor.

#23 – Matt Hardy

Matt had moved to Smackdown after failing to get revenge on Edge. He won’t die, but he sure did run away pretty well. Anyway, he hits a Side Effect on Nitro, then takes down Jordan. RVD and Rey dump Trip to the apron. MNM hits the Snapshot on Tatanka. Matt dumps Orlando over the top, but not out, while MNM dump Tatanka.

#24 – Super Crazy

Crazy attacks Nitro, then Carlito tries to suplex Nitro out, but gets hung up in the ropes. Matt dumps Trip to the apron again, as the ring is way too full at this point.

#25 – Shawn Michaels

Shawn gets the whole Hercules “let’s all attack him one at a time” gang attack, which he fights off. Trevor whips Shawn into the corner, but gets lowbridged on the charge and is gone. Carlito tosses Shawn to the apron.

#26 – Chris Masters

Trip dumps Matt, but Matt holds on and returns the favour. Trip rolls back in, so Matt tries it again. See, he just won’t die. Shawn tries to headscissors Mercury out, but Nitro grabs his partner’s leg to save.

#27 – Viscera

Vis is in his “pajama” phase, which I enjoy in hindsight, since it meant he was fully clothed. Vis takes Matt down and…um…dry humps him, but Matt kicks him off a charge. Matt tries a Twist of Fate on Vis but gets picked up and tossed.

#28 – Shelton Benjamin

Benoit tosses Eugene, while Shelton hits a neckbreaker on Carlito. Super Crazy climbs on Vis’ back, then has to grab the ropes to prevent getting tossed, while Lawler makes “Brokeback Mountain” jokes that suddenly became “too soon” after last week.

#29 – Goldust

Goldust was making another return, which I believe didn’t last much past this match, and you know where he is now. Vis, Orlando, and Shelton fight with each other, satisfying the long-standing African-American rule of professional wrestling.

#30 – Randy Orton

Thirteen guys in there right now, which is way too many. Orton tosses Benoit, then hits an RKO on Vis, and Carlito and Masters toss Vis. Masters stops to yell at Vis, though, and Carlito tosses him. Goldust hits Shattered Dreams on Carlito, but gets eliminated by RVD. Orlando styles and profiles, but Orton tosses him. RVD attacks Orton, while Carlito and Shelton fight on the apron. MNM try to toss Rey, and Shawn knocks down Trip and kips up. Atomic drop on Trip, but MNM attacks Shawn. Double gutbuster on Shawn by MNM, but Shawn blocks a Snapshot, tosses Mercury to the apron, tosses Nitro into Mercury, and clotheslines Nitro over the top rope to eliminate both men. A spinkick from Shelton takes Shawn down, but Shawn tosses Shelton to the apron and Superkicks him out. With no flunkies left who promised to toss Shawn, Vince takes things into his own hands and comes out to ringside, distracting Shawn long enough that Shane McMahon comes in through the crowd and tosses Shawn. Shane dances in the ring, then decides to flee, with Shawn in hot pursuit. Well, after pausing to Superkick Trip for old times’ sake, of course. Meanwhile, Carlito takes down RVD, but gets hit with a rolling uppercut kick and sells his way over the top rope to the floor.

Final Four: Triple H, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, RVD

RVD and Rey make an alliance, then pair off against the heels. RVD kicks Orton in the head, then RVD and Rey hit a doubleteam double ledrop on Trip. Splash and Rolling Thunder on Orton, and RVD goes up, but Trip breaks that up, and throws Rey into RVD, who falls off to the floor. Now Trip and Orton unite against Rey, but Rey counters with a double DDT. Dropkicks from Rey, and he hits a double 619. Trip ducks the seated senton, so Rey hits Orton instead, and Trip clotheslines Rey down. Powerslam by Orton on Trip and he sets up for an RKO, but Trip blocks and hits a spinebuster. Trip charges Rey, but gets kicked, and Rey manages to rana Trip out. Trip argues with the refs, but he was going to end up with the other Mania title shot anyway, so he’s probably okay with it deep down. Trip pulls Rey out of the ring and sends him into the ring steps, and Michael Cole actually properly uses the term “ironic”, in reference to Trip helping Orton. Orton spends a long time posing, then hoists Rey up, but Rey reverses and ranas Orton out as well to win the match.

Backstage, Benoit, Malenko, and Chavo congratulate Rey, but Edge interrupts to foreshadow their title match two years later. Okay, not really, but isn’t it ironic? No, it’s actually just a coincidence.

Edge © vs John Cena – WWE Championship

As I think I’ve mentioned before, Edge won the inaugural Money in the Bank match, then held onto the title shot until New Year’s Revolution, where he challenged John Cena after the Elimination Chamber match to win his first title. The Edge title reign garnered some impressive TV ratings, due to the newness of it, but since Cena-Triple H was written in stone at WrestleMania, it was never going to be a long one.

A giant structure lowers to the floor from the ceiling, just for a special entrance ramp for Cena, so if you couldn’t guess who was going to win this match, this kind of removed all doubt. This is what happens when people with too much money get ideas that start with “You know what would be cool?”

Sadly, this match would not live up to the hype, as for two of my favourite wrestlers, they certainly didn’t wrestle well together in their first match. Most notably, Cena gets beat up for literally the entire match, getting zero offense, then hits the spinning powerbomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle, FU, and STFU in succession and wins cleanly, with Edge quickly tapping out, pretty much slamming the door on Edge’s first title reign and making him look like he was nowhere near good enough to hang with Cena at this point. He’d get better, though, and his arrogant act was really rounding into form.

Kurt Angle © vs Mark Henry – World Heavyweight Championship

Okay, so this is a little confusing, but follow me here. Batista was the champion, setting up to feud with Mark Henry and fight him at WrestleMania. However, he injured himself just before New Year’s Revolution and was forced to vacate the title. They had a battle royal for the belt on Smackdown, which Kurt Angle won after being quickly brought over from Raw, since Smackdown had approximately zero World title contenders that they were willing to put the belt on at that point, and despite having no real beef with Henry was slotted into Batista’s match at the Rumble. In more fun related to this storyline, Batista was scheduled to face Mark Henry when he returned later in the year in revenge for Henry putting him out in storyline terms, but Henry injured himself on a throwaway Saturday Night’s Main Event six-man match right before the PPV and left Batista twisting in the wind, with no return momentum.

Okay, back to the match, which sucks, but is mercifully short and at least contains Kurt Angle, and features Cole and Tazz comparing Mark Henry to, among other things, large trees and Volvos. Henry dominates with power moves, including a lonnng bearhug. Henry tries a World’s Strongest Slam, but Angle reverses to an Anklelock. Henry powers out, and blocks an Angle Slam, but Kurt gets an German suplex instead. Angle Slam gets two, and the straps come down. Anklelock, but Davari distracts the ref, and Henry powers out again, triggering a ref bump. Kurt grabs a chair, pauses to clock Davari with it, then goes after Henry. Henry blocks, so Kurt lowblows him, then knocks Henry silly with a couple chairshots. A pin only gets two, though. Kurt exposes the middle turnbuckle, hits a drop toehold into it, then rolls Henry up and holds the ropes for the win.

Almost immediately, Taker’s music hits and he rides out on a chariot, then uses his powers to shoot lightning from his fingers and shake the ring apart while Angle stands in it. Yes, folks, they put this after the Rumble just so they could show off Taker’s new creepy power of ring disassembly. Whatever happened to the days where he just played with the arena lights?

Stephen Rates The Rumbles

Quite honestly, I’m not a big fan of the new Rumble devlopment towards “get as many people in the ring at once as we can”, as I think it devolves the Rumble itself away from telling multiple stories in the ring at once. This is really the first time that it actively hurts the Rumble, in my eyes, because we seem to get to thirty men really fast, with nearly half the entrants still hanging around. Having the first two men in the final three isn’t great either, because it seems to highlight how many people hung around in the ring for a very long time. Meanwhile, the title matches are disappointing and serve to detract from the very emotional Rey Mysterio win, and even the awesome Trish-Mickie storyline isn’t enough to make this Rumble anything more than lacklustre.

1. Royal Rumble 2000 (Winner: The Rock)
2. Royal Rumble 1994 (Winners: Bret Hart and Lex Luger)
3. Royal Rumble 1992 (Winner: Ric Flair)
4. Royal Rumble 2004 (Winner: Chris Benoit)
5. Royal Rumble 2001 (Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin)
6. Royal Rumble 2005 (Winner: Batista)
7. Royal Rumble 1990 (Winner: Hulk Hogan)
8. Royal Rumble 1989 (Winner: Big John Studd)
9. Royal Rumble 1997 (Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin)
10. Royal Rumble 1998 (Winner: Stone Cold Steve Austin)
11. Royal Rumble 2003 (Winner: Brock Lesnar)
12. Royal Rumble 1996 (Winner: Shawn Michaels)
13. Royal Rumble 2002 (Winner: Triple H)
14. Royal Rumble 2006 (Winner: Rey Mysterio)
15. Royal Rumble 1988 (Winner: Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
16. Royal Rumble 1999 (Winner: Vince McMahon)
17. Royal Rumble 1993 (Winner: Yokozuna)
18. Royal Rumble 1991 (Winner: Hulk Hogan)
19. Royal Rumble 1995 (Winner: Shawn Michaels)

Next week, we run through 2007, the last Rumble in the Anthology, then the following week, I finish up with this year’s edition. After that…well, maybe I’ll think of something.

And One To Go On

411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9pm EST. Larry will be in tomorrow, I’ll be starring in my triumphant return to Fact or Fiction this Thursday, and back for the Experience next week.