wrestling / Columns
The Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling 12.22.08: Cheers to Vickie Guerrero, Jeers to Frankie Kazarian and More!
Oh, hi! I am so pleased to be back after a longer than expected layaway. What happened last week? Well, as you may or may not know, I’m a complete fucktard and my unsaved work was taken from me in the blink of an eye, literally. Power goes off, Cheers ‘n Jeers go poof. It sucked, but then I never was able to find the picture of Joey Styles punching someone out that would have made the whole thing complete.
Anyways, JEERS to girlfriends who have birthdays one week after their degenerate boyfriends lose all their money playing blackjack. CHEERS to degenerate boyfriends for not hanging themselves.
JEERS also to Daniel Wilcox for doing such a good job in my absence that I have absolutely no use for the insulting nickname I came up with in the event that he didn’t. In case you’re wondering, it was Daniel Wil(suck)cox.
CHEERS
to Vickie Guerrero for being a total bitch! Yeah, it’s nothing new, but she really kicked it up a notch this past week, first demanding Chavo bring her a coffee (“Two Sugars!!”) at Armageddon and then slapping a cup of it all over him on the following Smackdown. I’m not sure where this will leave Chavito when all is said and done as he’s been getting the shit end of the stick from his Familia for the better part of the year yet appears to be no closer to a face turn than he was when the shoddy treatment began. Does anyone want to see another duller than dishwater Chavo face run anyway? And would anybody even buy him as a face when he’s so clearly cut out to be a heel? I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know Vickie continues to be awesome as general manager and I hope her good sense of judgment, calm demeanor and sub-porno acting abilities keep her in charge of the blue brand for many years to come.
“Whoa! What do you say we go and take a shower before I do any of that“
JEERS
to Frankie Kazarian‘s never-ending Suicide saga. The poor bastard finally debuts the character while still waiting on a triceps injury to fully heal and now he has a biceps injury to contend with. Word has it that TNA might go with their plan B of having someone else don the costume as they seem hell-bent in getting their TV and video game storylines to match up no matter the cost in human injury or lycra bodysuits. You know, perhaps the calamity prone Kaz really is best off leaving the Suicide outfit behind for good. Someone with luck this shitty has no business hanging out in the rafters of Universal Studios and negotiating with zip line equipment. But why listen to me, I haven’t won any Slammys…
“Don’t do it, jerky!”
Speaking of poorly timed injuries, JEERS to the one Tomko was apparently nursing in his return dark match before RAW, causing said match to allegedly blow and to reportedly give Vince some second thoughts about bringing the big man back. I hope that the latter part turns out to be untrue as Tomko really got his shit together in the years since he was first cut from Team Connecticut and it was just a dark match. It’s not as though he screwed the pooch in a televised main event, so here’s hoping he at least gets another look before being prematurely axed. C’mon, Vince, give Tomko another chance! It’s not like the guy filled your limo with cement or jerked off in your face.
I can’t fucking believe I’m saying this, but CHEERS to Maryse for becoming the new number one contender to the Diva’s belt. She may not have been the most ideal choice but between her and presumptive shoe-in Maria, we’re at least assured a match that won’t…well…okay, the match will suck, but not nearly as bad as it would if Maria was in there. Damn, I can’t believe I just cheered Maryse becoming the new number one contender. What’s next, cheers to rape?
Eh, this doesn’t have anything to do with the above, but it’s pretty hilarious. I suppose that one guy might be getting raped, so there’s your connection, if you needed it.
CHEERS
to TNA for the announcement that they’ll soon be running a “best of” type show named…TNA Epix? Really?! Uh, you know, I think “TNA’s best of type show” might actually have been a better choice, but whatever. Jeers to the name, cheers to the concept, which will allow fans to enjoy classic matches and moments from TNA’s 6-year history. This is a fantastic idea, as it will bring new viewers up to speed on what’s happened in the past and perhaps allow some of those jaded by the rampant ridiculousness of the last few years to rekindle their interest.
JEERS
to Saturday night’s Tribute to the Troops special! No, it’s not because I hate the war and hate the troops, though I suppose that is half true (guess which half! The answer may surprise you…). And no, it’s not because the show featured sucky matches and absolutely no storyline progression. It’s because one more hour of wrestling programming was just about the last thing I needed in a week that already saw Armageddon, RAW, ECW, Impact and Smackdown come to pass. The nostalgic in me wants to be excited for the returning Superstars program, but I am seriously starting to become burned out by the mere prospect of another hour long weekly to keep up with. (I don’t make TNA a priority, so save your “filthy hypocrite!” condemnations)
Oh, and was I the only one who noticed the immediate cutaway following Dubya’s show opening speech to the troops? Me(e)thinks King George may have received a less than enthusiastic response from the men and women he’s been fucking in the ass for the last…shit, almost FIVE years now.
Indeed
CHEERS
Deuce, for not being named Deuce anymore! Yeah, he’s going by Sim Snuka now, playing up his famous heritage while sucking up to the Legacy of Doom. Now that he’s dropped the Deuce, this guy might actually have a future.
JEERS
to Rhaka Khan & Raisha Saeed for busting up a terrific ODB‘s Angle segment. I can’t remember the last time I watched a rasslin’ “interview segment” that actually felt like a real, you know, interview (sorta), and one that was enjoyable to boot. ODB should be given her own interview show. She’s better than Leno. Then again, the shit that Rhino said he’d beat out of Sting is better than Leno.
I was going to add something to this picture, but I knew it wouldn’t make it past the editor.
Use your imagination.
CHEERS
to Kurt Angle for threatening to kill Jeff Jarrett and adopt his orphaned daughters, taking the art of the heel promo to surprisingly lurid depths. Actually, I suppose this was par for the course, as Angle had previously made some shockingly offensive remark about Jeff’s dead wife. Well, offensive to seemingly everyone BUT the guy whose wife died…man, wrestling is fucked up. Anyways, the best part of Kurt’s statement may be that the Olympian has said so many crazy things outside the ring in the last few years that it isn’t really too much of a stretch to imagine him following through with his threat. Apologies to Edge and Chris, but Angle might just be the most convincing pure heel going at this moment and I’m looking forward to more distasteful promo work from him in the future. Hey, maybe next time he’ll combine some “classic Kurt” and threaten to dig up Jeff’s wife for hot, animal sex. We can only hope.
Kurt, you so cray-zay!
JEERS
to the cameraman who did nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, to prevent Kelly Kelly‘s harassment at the hands of Kane on RAW. I know it’s your job, but seriously dude, you are a piece of shit for standing there filming while that poor girl was being frightened half to death. What if that had been your daughter or your sister? Really, I don’t know how the hell that guy sleeps at night.
*CHEERS* of the Week
to The World’s Strongest Santa! It’s about damn time Mizark’s poetry skills were put to use again, and in a far less somber setting to boot. I’m not sure how exactly Henry was supposed to garner heel heat doin’ his chocolate Santa thing, and I don’t care. If the image of Tony Atlas in his Rudolph get-up didn’t put a big smile on your face, you’re a boring prick.
Bonus cheers to Larry Csonka for putting this pic in his R’s, saving me the trouble of scouring the net for it and allowing me to provide some second hand hilarity.
*JEERS* of the Week
to the crybabies complaining about Jeff Hardy becoming WWE champion. Seriously, some of you are completely and utterly ridiculous. Recockulous, even. If you’re not a Jeff fan, fine, I get it, but the talk I’ve seen of how the WWE made a big mistake because Jeff is “too risky” is just fucking retarded. Too risky? We’ve seen headliners go down to injury and wellness violations on an almost regular basis in the last few years, so I have a really hard time buying that Jeff is much more of a risk than anybody else on the roster.
It’s not as though anybody can make a credible case that he doesn’t deserve it, either. He’s put as much into this business as just about anybody you can name and he’s been having great matches left and right since returning from his suspension. Jeff likes (or liked) to have a good time…so fucking what? You think he’s the first? Or even the worst? He’s only in the unfortunate position of having his many screw-ups highly publicized and if a puritan lifestyle is your criteria for a WWE title holder, I suggest you not look too closely into the lives of most wrestlers, past or present.
And honestly, it’s Jeff’s life and career on the line and should wellness strike thrice, he’s really the only one with something to lose. The WWE will continue to chug along just fine should Jeff find himself ousted and most likely, so will you. It really does seem as if some of you want him to fail for the express purpose of being able to come to places like this and tell everyone you told them so. You may find me crass and vulgar, but that vulture-like mentality is far more unseemly than any four letter epithet I could ever use.
A strong case could be made that Hardy’s surprising and redemptive title win is a big part of why we all watch
wrestling in the first place, and you’d have to be a total fuckface not to see that.
Suck on it, haters!
What’s good in the hood or this is what I read on 411 today:
THE SEXY RANDLE NEWS SEXPERIENCE
IT’S NOT WRESTLING, BUT DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE?
Don’t answer that
BELL TO BELL
Miss any shows or news bits this week? Hardbody Harrison didn’t!
KAHMMENT BAWKS
El Guapo had this to say after glimpsing my visage in the Wilcox helmed edition of the cheers.
Michael O….. you are the gayest looking creature i have ever seen…. ever.
I’m assuming that “gayest” now means “awesome-est”, like when Michael Jackson changed the definition of the word “bad” to something positive. So thanks, man!
That’s that! Make sure you check out Chris Lansdell‘s sexy new column tomorrow. He told me that he’s going to start giving away $100 every week to one of his readers. Or, maybe I just made that up right now. I can’t remember.
Anyways, I guess it’s Christmas time so I hope you will take the time to think about the true meaning of this most blessed day amidst all the hustle and bustle that surrounds it. He died for your sins after all, so it’s the least you can do.
Happy birthday Santa, and bye everybody!
